#Letr2Jil – DON'T GO INTO THIS THING starts now.
1. My dear Jil, I was talking to a dear friend the other day and she told me as soon as she said “I do” she knew she had made a horrible mistake. #Letr2Jil
2. That’s a terrible realisation on a wedding day. It’s sad to know that you just signed an agreement that will bring you grief. I wondered how she felt from that moment on, what her expectations were for the marriage. #Letr2Jil
3. But of course such thoughts are swallowed up by festivities, until the next day when you’re alone with your self. You wonder what you’ve done. #Letr2Jil
4. Before that moment the momentum associated with planning a wedding carried her forward. The picking of wedding gown, the design of the cake, the enthusiasm of parents... These things can carry an apprehensive bride to the altar. #Letr2Jil
5. After the wedding there’s the wedding night, the honeymoon, getting back, arranging a new home… These things can drown contemplation. #Letr2Jil
6. If there’s immediate pregnancy that will also carry forth the marriage. The expected child takes over the thought realm. Welcoming the child into the world becomes a consuming narrative. That will last nine months. #Letr2Jil
7. And after the child is born new realities set in. The bride becomes mother. She now wears three crowns – she as herself, as wife and mum. But the concentration will be on her roles as mum and wife. It’s a new marriage. #Letr2Jil
8. As the child grows new demands are created. Various stages of adaptation are thus required of both husband and wife. These expectations do of course suppress critical thought about the marriage. The baby takes over completely. #Letr2Jil
9. This explains why a fundamental problem in a marriage can be kicked down the line - the issue postponed because both parties are too busy adapting to new roles. #Letr2Jil
10. But at some point into the marriage those issues will raise their ugly head. It may be five years down the line, it may be ten years down the line. #Letr2Jil
11. And sometimes the issues are impatient. They subsume all else and insist on being heard. That’s how a young marriage can begin with so much trouble. The couple begins to fight. #Letr2Jil
12. Women are intuitive. They can sense things clairvoyantly. They intuitively know who’s right for them and who’s not. They do the choosing despite appearances. They do so by making themselves open to a prospect. #Letr2Jil
13. When a guy isn’t right for her a woman intuitively knows. But some imagine they can make it work despite the facts. They begin to do editorial work on the obvious issues. #Letr2Jil
14. For example if the guy is lazy the woman may decide she can take care of the needs of both. Or imagine things will change down the line – that the responsibility of marriage will awaken something in the guy. #Letr2Jil
15. The woman begins to make excuses for the guy. And sometimes she’s lost in the euphoria of starting a relationship. If she’s been long without one she may overwrite his deficiencies. #Letr2Jil
16. Sometimes it’s because she wants to show society she’s not been left on the shelf, prove she had a plan all along- that it’s her high standard that slowed down her matrimony. #Letr2Jil
17. One can easily land in that justification mode when there’s pride. Pride does not allow us admit the obvious, even to ourselves. It makes us rewrite history to suit our narrative. #Letr2Jil
18. And some go into a wrong union because they have an agenda. They’re ready to overlook every warning signal for that agenda. If the guy is targeted the agenda will overwrite commonsense. #Letr2Jil
19. In a month or two you will be at the altar, with a man you don’t want, a man you have unease about. You have a premonition, a feeling of unease about this proposed union. #Letr2Jil
20. The wise thing is not to proceed into a marriage you have serious doubts about. #Letr2Jil
21. And you have serious fears about this union. Therefore don’t go into it. It doesn’t matter how much preparation has been made, or how committed your parents are... If you know you’re not going to be happy don’t go into the marriage. #Letr2Jil
22. You know it’s amazing how a young woman can play with her life. Young men do too. When you go into a marital union you already knew will result in a catastrophe you’re playing with your life. #Letr2Jil
23. When I say playing with your life I don’t necessarily mean you’re going to die, though there have been many instances of such fatal endings with disturbed partners. #Letr2Jil
24. If you have a violent boyfriend who’s used to bashing you the marriage will be a continuum. #Letr2Jil
25. If your boyfriend displays a violent temperament you should think twice about going into marriage with him. “I do” does not cure temperament. Even if such a guy doesn’t beat you there’s the prospect of emotional abuse. #Letr2Jil
26. A wedding ceremony does not confer character on someone. You come with your character to the altar and leave with your character. #Letr2Jil
27. The wedding suit does not change temperament, even if it’s a cool colour. Neither can it change character. #Letr2Jil
28. When you know a guy is going to bash you physically or emotionally don’t proceed to marriage. It doesn’t matter how much money he has, or how many cars he has. Those things won’t save you. #Letr2Jil
29. You already have premonition about this wedding. You know you’re not going to be happy. If you go into it you’re playing with your life. #Letr2Jil
30. No one exits a marriage the same. You’re processed. #Letr2Jil
31. Some are so bitter coming out of a marriage. The bile inside them has ruptured, poisoning every aspect of their life. They begin to view life bitterly. Why would you allow a man do that to you – turn you into bitter leaf? #Letr2Jil
32. When you’re embittered in marriage it takes the grace of God to get over it. So why subject yourself to social experimentation by going into what you know will be a bitter marriage? You already know what the outcome will be. #Letr2Jil
33. Some marriages are so bad the wife is so depressed she can’t summon strength to rise up from bed in the morning. All her energy is drained away. Depression is horrible. #Letr2Jil
34. A wise man sees danger ahead and quickly makes a detour. A foolish man plunges ahead. #Letr2Jil
35. You can see unhappiness ahead if you go into this marriage. Should you still plunge ahead? #Letr2Jil
36. Because you’re young there are some things you can’t readily appreciate about life. You don’t know the value of happiness in marriage for example. #Letr2Jil
37. The opposite of marital happiness is not unhappiness, it is depression. May you not know depression. #Letr2Jil
38. Depression is seeking to get out of a tumultuous marriage and you don’t know the way to the door. It is seeing the exit door in a horrible marriage and you can see piles of body blocking the exit. #Letr2Jil
39. Depression is wanting to get out of a horrible marriage and you lack the strength to even take the necessary walk. #Letr2Jil
40. Depression is not, “I’m feeling sad.” Depression is your brain being fried with the ooze of unhappiness. You can literally smell it. It’s a Silence of the Lambs movie scene. #Letr2Jil
41. Depression is something crawling all over your body, something irritating you, so much so you pull your clothes off you and everyone begins to wonder. #Letr2Jil
42. Depression is your energy totally drained out of you, no energy left to even process the thought. #Letr2Jil
43. Now, you understand why I said you’re playing with your life going into a marriage you already know will result in unhappiness. #Letr2Jil
44. There is something called the foolishness of youth. It is very empowering. It makes a young man or woman venture into the unknown – the terra incognita. #Letr2Jil
45. But then there are known unknowns. And there are unknown knowns. Plunging into a potentially bad marriage is an unknown known. You already know what awaits you. What is unknown is how you’ll react to the trauma. #Letr2Jil
46. Go and meet your dad and tell him you don’t want to go on with the marriage. No good dad will insist you go into an emotionally ruinous marriage. #Letr2Jil
47. It doesn’t matter the euphoria already generated about the union. It doesn’t matter if your mum and his mum already formed Ladies Progressive Society and chosen aso ebi. If you’re not going to be happy don’t do the marriage. #Letr2Jil
48. This is about your happiness, your life and wellbeing. A bad marriage will affect you seriously. Very seriously. #Letr2Jil
49. If he impresses your mum but doesn’t impress you, you shouldn’t go into it. Your mum is not going to marry him, you are. #Letr2Jil
50. The wedding is one day. The marriage is eternity. #Letr2Jil
51. When a marriage is full of happiness eternity is too short. When a marriage is full of unhappiness a minute will seem like eternity. #Letr2Jil
52. You will have regret upon regret if you willy-nilly go into a union you can manifestly see will lead to unhappiness. You’ll have no one to blame but yourself. #Letr2Jil
53. My job is to tell you the truth, give you wisdom, warn you of dangers ahead. Your job is to heed or not to heed. You can volunteer your life to either wisdom or foolishness. But my conscience is clear. #Letr2Jil
54. Your mentor, LA. #Letr2Jil
56. For related letters, search for EMOTIONAL BANK and COMPATIBILITY at jacknjillive.com.
57. #Illuminare – THE MAKEUP OF MAN is tomorrow Sunday at 9am WAT
58. © Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com.
