i fucking hate pointless chest pain
half an hour ago for no reason at all i had a huge punch of chest pain. this happens every year. i used to go to the ER for it. now i don't, because it's nothing. i have no idea why it happens.
i've been to the ER so many times for this. i feel crushing pain in my chest, i get nauseous, i feel weak. but i've been at the ER *when it was happening* and seen my 12-lead and my blood test results. i'm *fine*
my heart has no structural problems (i've had an echo), no electrical problems, no muscle damage. my rhythm is perfect except for variously-frequent PVCs, which 3 cardiologists have told me do literally nothing.
i know that last year i had crushing chest pain and the doctors said there was nothing going on. and the year before that, and the year before that, for ten years.
last year i had serial panic attacks, day after day, over this. compared to then, i'm not even doing that badly this year - my heart rate isn't 100+ bpm resting due to anxiety. i'm handling it much better than I did in the past, but i'm still *broken* by it
i dont think any amount of coping and trusting my own reassurances will change the fact that my torso feels like there's a C-clamp on it, or remove the nausea that seems to radiate from my sternum, or make me stop compulsively clutching my chest
the first time you go through this, it's hell. the second time it's hell. the third time, hell. twentieth time, actually also hell, you can just get better at living in hell.
to be honest the thing I wish I could change the most is the fear of sleep. I'm afraid to go to sleep when I'm like this because I'm afraid I'll have a heart attack and nobody will be awake and watching me when it happens.
My brain says that as long as I'm up, on my own two feet and alert, I can yell for help in the moment before I pass out, but as soon as I go to sleep I'm helpless. It's a deep animal fear.
