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1/ I’ve finally figured out what bothers me about so many new parents my age: how they make their kid their entire identity, the center of their universe, their very reason for existing. It’s startlingly common even among very smart, wise, successful, balanced, mature ppl
2/ I doubt this is new, since there’s the common trope of a couple disappearing for a few years once they become parents. Common symptoms are ignoring friendships, withdrawing from groups, not socializing, deprioritizing work/everything else
3/ But I think it’s profoundly unhealthy for both parents and kid. It’s the most subtle, easiest to defend way of abdicating your responsibility to lead a full life, to fulfill your potential, to contribute to society, and ultimately, to model what a rich life looks like
4/ I always wonder, what are you going to tell your kids when they ask why you didn’t follow your dreams? Tell them the truth, that it was because of them? And then will you turn around and tell them to follow their dreams?
5/ I can already hear the chorus of “you just don’t understand, not until you’re a parent.” But this is what I mean. It is EXTREMELY defensible, totally justifiable, in fact highly noble and selfless. And yet no one stands up for the big dream that was axed. It withers unnoticed
6/ But I’ve seen it done, with my own parents. Especially my father, was as involved as could be, while also leading an incredibly rich social life, having a deep and fulfilling artistic career, remaining part of numerous groups, traveling with us all over the world, etc
7/ His lifestyle hardly changed before, during, and after having four kids. He just took us along, including us in whatever interesting thing he was doing. And that’s pretty much how we got our real education, interests, culture, and appreciation of the finer things
8/ It was SO healthy for us to see that my father’s life didn’t revolve around mine. There was a boundary and mutual respect. It was easier to model that and not make myself the center of my OWN universe, through volunteering for example which we did from earliest age
9/ I also notice this with Latino families, which makes me think it’s not just a money thing but an attitude. Kids are always brought along, always running around, always existing in intersectional relationships where everyone has some measure of responsibility for them
10/ Which makes me think this all comes back to helicopter parenting. The reason new parents give up everything, more than they have to, is not for the kid, but for a particular vision of how childhood should be that’s insanely unrealistic. Perfectly safe, programmed, supervised
11/ That indeed requires two adults to give up everything and become shadows of themselves, all the while justified by everyone and everything around them. It’s so subtle and seemingly unavoidable and sinister, it gives me goosebumps
12/ And that vision of how childhood should be, in the end isn’t about the kid at all. It’s about assuaging their own fear, of not being in control, of not being a good parent, of messing up their kid, of whatever. It’s the basic selfishness of unqualified love
