Thread by @garius

JAVID: Hello PM! The Saj is... Oh. Phil. Shouldn't you be in China?
HAMMOND: Yes, but Gavin's been reading Biggles comics again.
JAVID: Bugger. He doesn't learn.
HAMMOND: This time he fucking will.

<Gavin's office>

WILLIAMSON: My Space Marines! Who broke all my Space Marines?!

HAMMOND: Speaking of pointless posturing, how's your war on pregnant sixteen year olds going?
JAVID: Ha bloody ha. The Saj will not be seen to compromise on security!
HAMMOND:
JAVID: Anyway, she's nineteen now and has had the baby.
HAMMOND: Oh that makes it so much better, sure.

HAMMOND: Hello all. I'll be chairing Cabinet today as the PM is in Brussels and David is... busy

<St Stephens Pub>

SOUBRY: It's so nice. It feels... sorry, but there's a man in a trenchcoat watching us through a newspaper
GREENING: It's just Lidington. He's my tail, apparently.

HAMMOND: Also, apologies from Stephen. He's in Brussels too for Backstop talks
FOX: How's that all going?

<In Brussels>

STEPHEN:
BARNIER:
STEPHEN: What about...
BARNIER: Nope
STEPHEN:
BARNIER:
STEPHEN: Or...
BARNIER: Noooo

<Cabinet>

HAMMOND: Oh fucking swimmingly, I'm sure.

HAMMOND: To business. Liam, how are...
MORDUANT: Sorry, but is no one else going to mention that there is a duck in the room?
M'GREH: quACk
HAMMOND: Oh right. You missed that. It's... look... it's Chris Grayling's comfort duck
MORDUANT: Comfort duck?
GRAYLING: I call her Margaret

M'GREH: QUaCk
GOVE: tHAt is nO dUcK. iT iS AN ELdrITCH hoRROr
HAMMOND: It's just a duck, Michael.
M'GREH: i WILL reNDeR yoUr PaRtY asUNDeR
GOVE: aHAh! sEE!
FOX: Aw. It quacked again
M'GREH: aLL WiLL bECoME chAOS
MORDUANT: That's a cute quack.
GOVE: HoW Are yOU NoT HeARinG ThIS?!

MORDUANT: Michael, are you alright?
M'GREH: yOU wILL aLL PaY fOR yOur HUBris
MORDUANT: It's so quacky!
GOVE: iT iS nO DUcK!
M'GREH: i wiLL CAsT yOU ALL DoWN INto a SEa oF etERNal FaRAgeS
GOVE: aWAy! I mUST pREPARE!

<flash of disappearing tentacles>

HAMMOND: Oookay. So. Trade...

HAMMOND: Liam, are the 40 trade deals ready?
FOX: We'll have up to 40 deals in place, yes
GRAYLING: Brilliant! Go team Brexit!
HAMMOND: Sorry... 'up to'?
FOX: Up to 40, yes
HAMMOND: See there's that phrase again: Up to
FOX:
HAMMOND:
FOX: Okay, six
HAMMOND: Six?!
FOX: Maybe seven?

HAMMOND: Who are the six trade deals with?
FOX: Israel, Palestinian Authority, The Faroe Islands, East & Southern Africa, and Chile.
CLARK: The Faroe Islands?!
FOX: They have a strong fishing industry
CLARK: So do WE!
HAMMOND: That's not a trading block Liam. It's a car boot sale

FOX: I think I can do a deal with the Swiss in time too
HAMMOND: Well great. Because I'd hate to pay tariffs on our chocolate and Nazi gold imports. Fucksake.
CLARK: Have you got Japan? That was the big one
FOX: Yes.
CLARK: Thank God.
FOX: By which I mean no
HAMMOND: Oh COME. ON.

CLARK: How do you not have Japan?! That was so close!
FOX: Well I was worried and then...

<last week>

HUNT: Why so sad little fox cub?
FOX: Japan are taking ages and...
HUNT: Gotta neg 'em, bro. Disrespect 'em
FOX: I don't think...
HUNT: There. Done. Email sent. Thank me later!

CLARK: You let JEREMY talk to Japan?!
HUNT: My philosophy? Always be the big man. In the NHS they used to call me 'the biggest Hunt in any room'
MORDAUNT: That's... not it
HUNT: What then?
MORDAUNT: <whisper>
HUNT: Well that's just rude
HAMMOND: Pretty fucking accurate right now

HAMMOND: So, the ONE THING we've done this week is make China and Japan agree for the FIRST TIME since WW2. And it's that we're idiots. God I hope Theresa's day is going better.

<In Brussels>

MAY:
JUNCKER:
MAY: What about...
JUNCKER: Nope
MAY:
JUNCKER:
MAY: Or...
JUNCKER: Noooo

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT TIME: You asked about print. I said only if I got pitched something creative...

...AND THE LOVELY PEOPLE AT @unbounders DID EXACTLY THAT.

So WITH YOUR HELP it can happen! Crowdfund it! Get GoveThulhu merch! Spread the word! Yaaay! unbound.com/books/the-brex…

ADDENDUM: For those new to these adventures, they actually start waaaaay back here:

https://twitter.com/garius/status/1062983853260918784

And the most recent instalment is here:

https://twitter.com/garius/status/1094197357334446081