Thread by @WhoresofYore

Here’s a thread of the Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) quotes to brighten your day.

We’ll start with “Ducking for apples -- change one letter and it's the story of my life.”

“You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.”

“This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.”

“It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.”

“Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.”

“Tell him I was too fucking busy-- or vice versa.”

“This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it."

“That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.”

“Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.”

“If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.”

“I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”

“If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.”

“She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.”

“I'm not a writer with a drinking problem, I'm a drinker with a writing problem.”

“The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'cheque enclosed.”

“Writing is the art of applying the ass to seat.”

“All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends.”

“The first thing I do every morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.”

“Don't look at me in that tone of voice.”

“Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.”

“If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people He gives it to.”

“I like to have a martini, Two at the very most. After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host.”

“By the time you swear you're his, Shivering and sighing. And he vows his passion is, Infinite, undying. Lady make note of this -- One of you is lying.”