Thread by @SarahSpain

THREAD

Last night I got on the rental shuttle & the only occupant, a man in his 60's, said to me "I told the guy he could only stop on the way to dropping me off if it was for a pretty girl." I responded as I always do, with humor, "I guess we'll have to keep looking then." (1/)

I smiled & then buried myself in my phone. He continued, talking to the driver, "Yeah, you can just drop me off by the stairs up there & then you & this beautiful girl can go together wherever you two wanna go." And the driver said, "We're going to go to the lot so she (2/_)

can get her car," which I really appreciated, as it would've been creepy if he'd played along with the man's odd comment that we might do anything BUT go to the lot. Last week in an elevator a man said, "I know I'm not supposed to say this anymore but I just *have* to: (3/)

You are so beautiful." I said "Thank you," even though I wanted to say, "You didn't actually have to." On the internet last week, "I know you'll probably get mad about this, but I just *have* to say: Your breasts are amazing." No, you didn't have to. You really didn't. (4/)

This kind of thing happens a fair amount, I pretty much always smile, make a funny or sarcastic comment and try to move things along or walk away. Of course it's not the end of the world to be paid a compliment and yes, it's certainly better than people yelling "HAG!" when I (5/)

I walk down the street, but it's also very uncomfortable at times, and no matter what anyone might say, you do not HAVE to tell a woman what you're thinking. I've never once been in a public space with an attractive man and said "I just *have* to say this: You're so hot." (6/)

Usually it's just not worth it for me to tell someone that I'd rather they hadn't said something, because then you have to deal with the awkward aftermath. Or worse, the horrible stories of men attacking or even murdering women for rejecting them. (7/)

I say all that because this story had me thinking about the ways women, often instinctually, react to uncomfortable words or touch by laughing them off or smiling & accepting it. For some men, they might never understand how their touchy-feeliness is (8/) newyorker.com/culture/cultur…

affecting others. They may not get, after decades of being "that guy" & seeing it as okay, that it never really was okay, women just didn't think they could say something. I've been around countless #s of these guys in my life & nothing they're doing is criminal, but they (9/)

certainly aren't reading (or perhaps are intentionally ignoring) the signs they're being given about personal space & how they're making others feel. And now that women are speaking up more about this, the answer is not to defend, defend, defend, it's to listen. That can be (10/)

tough when you've spent your life behaving in a way that you've never thought was problematic. The issue, to me, is understanding that intentions don't always match impact. Someone may feel as though he's being supportive & connecting in a meaningful way, but if the women (11/)

on the receiving end feel uncomfortable or gross, the intentions are no longer what matters most, the impact is. Accepting that and owning that are key to showing that you care how your actions make OTHERS feel more than you care how your actions make YOU feel. If being (12/)

affectionate & physical makes YOU feel like you're being supportive & making a connection, but doesn't feel that way on the other end, behavior has to change. This isn't a statement on Biden or politics, it's just my opinion on something we deal with regularly. (13/)

Our relatively newfound willingness (and permission) to speak up is going to make for some awkward moments, but hopefully make things better for those on the receiving end and also allow those who do have good intentions to be sure those intentions match their impact. FIN.