Thread by @BenLesh

After a bad experience on Twitter a while back, about 80% of the time I type up a tweet, usually to say something fun, help, or even encourage someone else, I delete it and walk away, out of fear that something I don't see in it will offend someone.

I limit my in-person interactions at conferences and the like as well. There, I try to hide among people who know me and that I feel I can trust.

Working in open source and having some minor Twitter following means I can't feel comfortable being myself and making mistakes, and I have to view every interaction as a potential risk. I can't misspeak, or say anything that could be taken out of context by anyone.

I was at a conference where I was accused of "toxic masculinity" for simply saying I couldn't find bath bombs in "guy scents". I was horrified. I stopped talking as quickly as I could, and left the area immediately, because I had an anxiety attack right after.

This probably means I'm "fragile" to some, but the anxiety felt pretty real. And the net effect is I don't let some people get to know me and vice versa, and I feel really bad about it. Like I'm missing out on parts of my life that should be enriching me as a person.

This is a *personal* experience, not a contest. I'm sure there are others who have it worse for much more awful reasons.

Even posting this is a bit scary, honestly.

The irony is we're supposed to be getting out of our comfort zone. But everyone thinks they get to judge what other people's comfort zone should be.

This thread? Way out of my comfort zone. Talking to strangers at conferences? Used to be comfortable. Now it's not. 🤷‍♂️

People who drag others through the mud on social media did this, honestly. I have real anxiety now, and I have to pull back at times. I didn't have this before.

The only way to prevent it is to stop amplifying these folks.

Just to prevent others from explaining this over and over again to me:

1. I always apologize for things I've done wrong and take responsibility for my actions.

2. I know some people have it worse.

This thread is really about the guilt I feel for not being able to interact with people online due to my own anxiety about being under a microscope and past experiences. I worry about the missed opportunities to learn, teach, and make new friends and generally grow.

I'm going to mute notifications for this thread now. I hope it was constructive. It was meant to be. I believe in the general good in people, and I'm happy to see some good discussion came from my frustration, guilt, and venting. You're all wonderful people.