Thread by @hradzka

A college guy walks into a bar in DC and sees an insanely hot woman at the end of the bar. He chats her up, asks for a date. #JournoJokes

“Sorry,” she says, “I’m washing my hair every night for the rest of my life. It’s an arduous process involving yak milk and three specially-trained hairdressers.”

The college guy, deflated, goes to the bartender for another drink. “Dude, she gave me such a bullshit line she didn’t even care if I believed it.”

The bartender says, “She’s a journo. I’ve had a million journos in this bar; they’re starfuckers. You just gotta be higher-status.”

The college guy goes back to his studies with renewed vigor. He graduates magna cum laude, gets a good job on a congressman’s staff. Then he goes back to the bar, tells the hot journo everything he’s been up to, asks her for a date.

She says, “I’m sorry, I can’t; I’m going elephant hunting. They let them loose from the zoo and people are allowed to hunt them in Rock Creek Park. So, you know, I’m busy.”

The guy quits his job, goes back to school. Gets a law degree. Gets a job as a clerk for one of the Justices on the Supreme Court. Goes back to the bar. Asks the hot journo for a date.

She can’t, she says, she’s going skiing with the Dalai Lama.

He goes back to school again. Gets a degree in finance. Joins a hedge fund, makes a kajillion $ a year, cuts a few corners he shouldn’t — & suddenly he’s fired, massively fined, & he has to sell his house to pay legal bills because he’s looking at the real possibility of prison.

Numb and frightened, he walks into the bar; he has nowhere else to go. The hot journo is sitting there, but he can’t bring himself to look at her. He sits at the other end of the bar and drinks in silence.

The hot journo looks at him, and looks at him, and finally says, “You’re not going to make a pass at me?”

“I just lost everything,” he says. “My money. My house. My job.”

The hot journo says, “My place. Now.”

The hot journo takes him back to her apartment, tears his clothes off, uses his body for every depraved form of sexual gratification imaginable, then kicks him out.

Numb and stunned, the guy makes his way back to the bar.

“Congratulations,” the bartender said. “How did you do it?”

“I don’t know!” the guy wails. “I did what you said. I just kept building my career. But all she did was bullshit me. Now she tears my goddamn clothes off, and the only thing I did was get fired!”

The bartender nods sagely. “Ah yes, that explains it.”

“How?”

“The only thing a journo likes better than lying is fucking somebody out of a job!”