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Play this out: the @HouseDemocrats seem to (finally) be moving to impeachment. The Manhattan DA subpoenaed 8 years of his taxes. And based on his #UNGA speech, he's cognitively impaired. What if Trump just makes a break for a Trump Tower bunker? Boom. We sort of have Die Hard.
First he'd text Ivanka to join him. She'd pretend to have missed it ("Was at the gym! XX") and try to blend in at Sant Ambroeus. She'd text Don Jr. and Eric ("Uch I'm sure u heard from Daddy too"), who would say "Oh yeah, definitely," then check their phones, then sob a little.
The adult sons rush to Trump Tower for the family's Last Stand. Eric gets lost, end up in Bushwick, and is never heard from again.
Don Jr. shows up in full Trump™️camo, wearing a necklace of poached rhino teeth. "I'm here for you, dad!" he cries out, seeing his father. Trump strides across the marble floor and slap Don to the ground. "In the Tower, we wear SUITS!" "Yes, dad," says Junior, peeing himself.
Melania comes upstairs with Barron. Trump and his youngest son eye each other warily. "Who's that?" Barron and his father say at the same time. Melania is torn--whose side is she really on? Yes, she's an opportunistic, gold-digging Birther, but... the gold's been dug.
Besides, the guy she was having an affair with when Trump was elected works in the building! He was the head of security at Tiffany's... maybe he's our John McClane! "Save me," she purrs to the 50th man in her lifetime.
Meanwhile, Bikers for Trump ride towards the city to guard Trump... but get blocked at a toll plaza in Fort Lee because none of them has $15.
.@RealSheriffJoe and @SheriffClarke team up as The Two Sheriffs but are optioned for a CBS sitcom before they can be of any help.
"Where's my Veep?!" bellows Trump. "I want a sandwich." CUT TO: the Oval Office, where @KarenPence is reading "Catcher in the Rye" in her underwear while @VP whips himself on his bare back. "It's...our...time," he groans as he ejaculates on the portrait of Andrew Jackson.
In Kentucky, @senatemajldr and @SecElaineChao dig up a bag of cash in their yard, representing a decade of kickbacks. Mitch clutches his chest. "Mah pills..." he gasps. Elaine runs in the house as Mitch throws the bag in his car and starts the engine... slate.com/news-and-polit…
Elaine walks out of the house to see Mitch burning rubber down their driveway. She pushes a button on a small device in her hand. The car explodes. Bits of Mitch and Monopoly money flutter to the ground. She puts her phone to her ear. "I'm getting the cash. Get the plane ready."
I can't keep doing this, but feel free to add on. Stephen Miller, Pompeo, Wilbur Ross... The point is: this shitty, corrupt family and their cabal of co-conspirators has done so much damage to our country. I'd like to think that, at last, they're losing their grip.
And no, it probably won't be spectacularly entertaining. In fact, it's better if it's dull and efficient. But isn't it pretty to think so?
