Thread by @LaraAdamsMille1

When conflict flares between other women & me, I try to remind myself that we, women, are conditioned by the patriarchy to see each other as enemies.

For partriarchy to dominate us, they must isolate us from each other. And this is one of the ways they accomplish that.

Anyone reading this as “100% of conflict among women is the fault of men” is on their own today. You very well know that isn’t what I mean.

This topic reminds me of this passage from Virginia Woolf’s 1929 “A Room of One’s Own.” She talks about how, in a time when the vast majority of published literature was written by men, female solidarity is rarely represented:

I’m not knocking women for having conflict, anger, hurt, etc. All that is natural. And I say *I* because this is something I’m personally thinking about in my own interactions - how to be more comfortable in conflict, to choose to maintain connections w women whenever possible.

When women live honestly, conflict will happen. And becoming more comfortable with it gives me more freedom to be wholly myself without isolating myself.

If this doesn’t speak to you, scroll on. It’s been important for me. I couldn’t write here without doing this internal work.

Yes, there are times you can’t maintain ties. Sometimes it’s a bad idea, or outright dangerous. But I’ve been challenging that threat response I feel too often. I’m learning to feel safe in friendships and alliances w women who dislike some things about me, who disagree w me.

I talk to women all the time who tell me how they can stand up to criticism/conflict from men, but get overwhelmed w anxiety when it comes from other women. I get it. I’ve experienced it. And I don’t think it serves me, or them. I’m challenging that reaction in myself.

I was born into the patriarchy, and I was raised on its messages. It would be naive to think a force that immersive has had no effect on how I see & interact with other women. It’s certainly influenced me in other ways.

This one matters a lot to me. It’s the key to many things.

And, when I’m feeling hurt or scared, vulnerable, left out - when I’m struggling to locate that universal sisterhood that honest to god sustains me, it gives me a little boost of courage & resolve to remember that protecting these connections is an act of feminism.

It took me the better part of my life to learn that the very best part of being a woman is knowing other women. It’s a big part of why I advocate for women’s spaces.

Feminism is sustained by connections among women, & I am personally sustained by my connections to other women.

I’m not preaching on this; I have no room to do so. I’ve been reactive, even punitive in the past when women have hurt me. I have to consciously remind myself that, however little we might share in common or like each other, what other women have in common w me MATTERS, always.

I just don’t want to do the patriarchy’s work for it anymore. I don’t want to have a hand in the dividing-&-conquering of women anymore.

Women, even if we can’t work together, can’t like each other - Please know that I see you, & I want you to be okay, & I want you to succeed.