Alright, this is a #BellLetsTalk thread. A reminder that Bell donates 5 cents per tweet/retweet of a tweet with the hashtag, so while the contents to follow are on the vulnerable side, and while the concerns about corporate activism are valid, I'd encourage the retweets.
I wrestled with doing this thread this year. I've done #BellLetsTalk efforts in previous years - opening up my phone number for texts until the trolls started to equal the sincere, and writing articles afterwards. But there were days of uncertainty leading to me typing this now.
As I'm sure you can gather from that, I'm one of the 1 in 5 Canadians who suffer through mental illness. I have generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder, best known as just anxiety and depression. I escitalopram and gabapentin on a daily basis. #BellLetsTalk
Recently I got referred to CAMH by my doctor to see if there's more that I can do beyond that from a clinically-recommended perspective. I do a lot of self-help reading but haven't pushed for the therapy route knowing the cost. That's one barrier the public faces. #BellLetsTalk
Another barrier is time. That reference was a month ago and I'm still waiting for the call to book that first appointment. I've gotten calls from CAMH since, but not from the wing I was expecting - they were donation requests. That's another barrier - underfunding. #BellLetsTalk
We'll see where that all goes, but #BellLetsTalk about the present. Why was I nervous about talking this year? Well, we talk about ending the stigma, and it's getting better in recent years, but it still exists. And quite frankly, it's a lot of vulnerability to throw on the table
That hasn't stopped me before, but now that I'm more aggressively looking for that next rung on the professional ladder, you hear a lot of "opening up won't go over well" still. There will be someone who publicly 'supports' this #BellLetsTalk thread that closes a door in private.
That kinda eats away at you. It makes you second guess when you can talk, who you can talk to, and what the ramifications are. Basically, you end activating your anxieties in the process of trying to address them. It's a constant, daily battle. #BellLetsTalk
What's constant for me? I've been thinking a lot about that of late, and just how far back in my life I probably should have been addressing this. I'd say since middle school - the missed days were attributed by others to laziness, but likely were early signs. #BellLetsTalk
The symptoms between the two go beyond what the name of the disorder implies. The constant fatigue - I can't remember the last time I didn't feel tired. The restlessness that comes with that - you can be drained but end up awake all night with stress and overthought #BellLetsTalk
The easy irritability is a tough one - probably one that's been made more difficult by being so involved in social media (lol). Trouble focusing. Then, in stretches where you don't have your support systems readily, you have the risk of vices as well. #BellLetsTalk
That's a big one for me this year. My family has a longtime history of addiction, so I'm very paranoid about falling into the substance abuse umbrella. I've avoided that rabbit hole quite well but stress eating was a demon for me that I now have to work back off. #BellLetsTalk
That's the tough part of a support system too, right? It can often only go so far - your friends and family can't always be there for you, especially if your own schedule for them is so limited. That's what really does me in - that isolation. #BellLetsTalk
And when it happens, you can't compartmentalize it. You miss that mutual bubble and your brain immediately shoves you into thinking that you're undeserving, unwanted, unworthy. Your confidence and self-esteem go, and everything else goes with it. #BellLetsTalk
You lose the ability to take yourself and the things you do seriously. You feel like a burden, a waste of everyone's time. You isolate yourself further and end up in that vicious cycle. Believe me, it's a tough place I fall into a lot. #BellLetsTalk
But then a deadline hits, or you have to be somewhere, or something you have to react to happens, and you have to put on a face and power through that lack of energy, those awful thoughts and jump back into the relentless sea. I do it. 20% of us do it. It ain't easy #BellLetsTalk
Now, it's not always bad. Sometimes you get a wind of energy, or chain a few positives together, and it gives you a window of yourself again. Sometimes your friends, or family, or your doctor, or whoever can be around to listen and help. Those are cherished moments. #BellLetstalk
Or sometimes you can make some space. I'm getting better about cutting low-priority things from my schedule when I'm in a rut, and that. Helps. Sometimes it's more drastic, like that social hiatus I took in the fall. I wasn't in danger, but it helped all the same. #BellLetsTalk
Ultimately, it's a battle. It's so many of us face, and one where the armoury isn't quite stocked for us yet. It's important we keep building up ourselves, each other, and our shared resources. Helping 20% of us will help 100% of us. #BellLetsTalk
And that's why I'm tweeting all this, even if it might have ramifications for me. Because I've been there, fought a few rounds, am going to fight a few more, and I want the other fighters to know they're not here alone, and the spectators to know why we do it. #BellLetsTalk
