Every writer that ever lived watching the world panic about their preferred state of existence. #socialdistancing. 
#WritersGuideToSocialDistancing
1) Don't eat your snacks straight from the packet. Put them in a little bowl. Keep refilling the bowl until the packet is empty. Have some dignity!
2) Celebrate your domestic achievements with short naps.
3) Try not to touch yourself constantly.
1) Don't eat your snacks straight from the packet. Put them in a little bowl. Keep refilling the bowl until the packet is empty. Have some dignity!
2) Celebrate your domestic achievements with short naps.
3) Try not to touch yourself constantly.
4) Sunday is shower day. Show the good lord how much you love the body he gave you by scrubbing your limbs briskly with the two pairs of underpants you're washing for next week.
5) Dance on the laundry and let nature take its course.
6) Try not to touch yourself constantly.
5) Dance on the laundry and let nature take its course.
6) Try not to touch yourself constantly.
*Feel free to help the world, writer friends, with your personal tips and tricks for surviving #SocialDistancing.
7) Wi-Fi is not your friend. It is a digital tunnel that gives other people access to your time and attention, which they will steal if they get half a chance.
8) Doorbells need electricity to work and should be disconnected. Do it now.
9) Try not to touch yourself constantly.
8) Doorbells need electricity to work and should be disconnected. Do it now.
9) Try not to touch yourself constantly.
10) If you're running low on whiskey, pour some methylated spirits on a handkerchief and tie it over your nose and mouth, bandit-style.
11) Use toothpaste to write reminders to yourself on the bathroom mirror.
12) Stare at yourself in the mirror.
13) Talk like a bandit.
11) Use toothpaste to write reminders to yourself on the bathroom mirror.
12) Stare at yourself in the mirror.
13) Talk like a bandit.
14) Pretend to clean your window with a cloth until someone in the street waves back. Stand still and stare at them as if they're mad.
15) Check if any snacks have magically materialised in the cupboard.
16) Console yourself with a short nap.
17) Stop touching yourself.
15) Check if any snacks have magically materialised in the cupboard.
16) Console yourself with a short nap.
17) Stop touching yourself.
18) It's almost 15:00 or -- as we writers like to call it -- snacks o'clock.
(See No. 1 for an handy snack-hack.)
(See No. 1 for an handy snack-hack.)
These rice snacks are super-crunchy and fun to eat, because the sound reminds me of kingfishers diving through a thin layer of ice to catch minnows in a pond, or the sound a hamster makes when you accidentally... well, never mind that. Maybe focus on the size of the bowl.
Feel free to drop your favourite #snackhack below.
19. Writers never run out of toilet paper, because we all have a box of bum-cloth with our name on it, hidden in a corner of our house, which offers some déjà-vu reading before we cathartically rip out the pages for wiping. Make sure your shelves are well stocked, readers.
20. The best way to home-school your children and to teach them the joys of social distancing is to get them reading. This may sound like a challenge, but the easiest way to do this is by giving them your favourite books to read, on condition that they skip all the sex scenes.
21. Toddlers may not fully understand the importance of peace and quiet for the writing process. The easiest way to teach them is by locking yourself in your writing space with earphones on. After an hour the knocking will stop, after two they will have cried themselves to sleep.
22. #ProTip Regain their trust by sharing your favourite snack with them.
23. Some social-distancing pro's are baiting beginners with fables about working from home. I'd like to remind fellow writers, like @MargieOrford, that these people are potential readers and, while it is fun to imagine them getting dressed for no reason, it really is unnecessary.
24. However, I do urge you not to touch yourself constantly.
25. You will lose track of time and eventually forget what day of the week it is. We writers call this "The Eternal Cocktail Hour" and celebrate it accordingly.
26. When venturing outdoors to replenish your booze and snacks, don't forget to put on a dressing gown and slippers.
26. When venturing outdoors to replenish your booze and snacks, don't forget to put on a dressing gown and slippers.
27. This is a classic solution for writers engaging in social distancing together with teenage children. Please bear in mind, however, that the children should be given a quarter-roll every hour to avoid bedsores.
28. If you're in Amsterdam, cross the road to check what other Dutch people are up to in their living rooms, with the curtains open, to relieve their boredom.
29. Remember to take notes and to tweet them with the #walk hashtag.
30. If you get caught, tell them you are a writer and offer to tell them about one of your books. After approximately 30 seconds, they will withdraw and slam the door in your face.
30. If you get caught, tell them you are a writer and offer to tell them about one of your books. After approximately 30 seconds, they will withdraw and slam the door in your face.
31. Having worked from home for several days, you may feel the urge to phone other people. My rules in this regard are clear. DO NOT PHONE ME unless:
a) You are my child;
b) You are dying and I am your only hope;
c) We regularly spend time in bed together.
Thank you.
a) You are my child;
b) You are dying and I am your only hope;
c) We regularly spend time in bed together.
Thank you.
* With regard to (c): Even if you have spent time reading my books in bed, you should REFRAIN FROM PHONING ME.
32. Having received questions about this from various followers, please be advised that you should feel free to touch yourself if you like, but try to restrain yourself at all times to prevent your touching from getting out of hand. Wash your hands with cold water if you must.
33. If your partner in isolation is new to the #SocialDistancing game, you may need to explain the concept of snacks to them, to avoid disappointment.
