Some quick thoughts about Depression - why it actually works and why it's so difficult to get away from. (1) (Thread)
First of all, there’s a huge difference between depression and sadness. Sadness occurs because you’re part of the world and being affected by it. Depression has, as a side effect, the recognition that you are utterly isolated from the world and can't be impacted by it. (2)
So, platitudes and perspective don’t help. When someone is sad, you say to them, “look at all these wonderful things, you will be okay”. Say that to a depressed person and they hear, “look at all these wonderful things, you are not a part of that.” (3)
But depression offers me two things that I get nowhere else in my life – confidence and clarity. (4)
I’m a content creator, for lack of a better word. People used to say producer or writer or musician or artist, but let’s be honest about who we are. We create content so donations can be sought, so grants can be granted, so ads can be sold. (5)
(I’m not bitter about this in the least. If I can call myself a Content Creator, my grandmother thinks I have a real job and will quit asking me when I’m gonna start making real money…) (6)
But as a Content Creator, I spend twice as much energy creating jobs for myself and my community of artists as I do actually doing the jobs. Most days, the only work I have is the work of finding work, or making work. (7)
I live with hope. I live with optimism. I live with the faith that my work, our work, has enough value for someone with money to try to make more money with our work. I know that we are valuable, but I have to have faith others will as well. (8)
This is really hard. James 2.14 says “What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works?” This is what we have to deal with every day – FAITH, but without works and without profit. (9)
But when Depression takes over… Oh, it is such sweet relief. The nihilism, the absolute certainty that you have no value, the recognition that The World has no relationship to you whatsoever. It’s so… CLEAN. (10)
I’m not depressed right now at all. But the last time I came out of a deep depression (I have bipolar disorder and these things can be counted on) I had a moment of wistful longing for the clarity. Weirdly, I moved from depression to a sort of sadness. (11)
Because I had to dive back in. I had to get back on the phone, had to get back on the (literal) train. I had to reach out. In order to survive the disappointment, the first thing I did was set up lunches with artists I love, so it wouldn’t be Work First Thing… (12)
But it is scary how attractive that nihilism and self-destruction is. I sat on the couch and told me kids there was no point in doing their homework. We watched TV in a pile, because there was no point in my trying to do anything else. (13)
Unfortunately, this sort of depression has a logical end-point. And I have health care, doctors and a support group that won’t let me think those thoughts for long. Medication, therapy and, frankly, kids in a pile watching TV has saved me every time. (14)
But I guess the take-away is this- Depression is sticky and, in its own way, beautiful. It seduces you. And trying to battle it with real-world happiness is impossible. It’s not of this world, it promises something cleaner and easy, which is the ugliest thing about it. (15) (End)
