Friends, a request regarding your upcoming holiday celebrations: Please do not make your mother/other people’s mothers/the women in your family do all the work. (thread)
If you are guilty of letting other people do all the work in the past…don’t do that this year, I beg of you. Some suggestions below.
(Please feel free to add your own.)
(Please feel free to add your own.)
1) In particular, if you look up and see that the only people standing and working are women and/or the only people sitting and relaxing are men…do something or say something.
2) Whoever is currently doing the work, ask if you can help. But don’t just ask in a vague or obligatory way. Make it clear you’re seriously offering. And try to get other people to help too.
3) You can of course offer to bring something. (If you’re cooking something, even better if you make it at your own house and bring it as close to finished as possible.) Or offer to be in charge of a dish while you’re there.
4) If you don’t know how to cook or there are already enough cooks in the kitchen, offer to do other things. Specific things. (Not just a vague and halfhearted “Let me know if I can do anything” before you go back to watching TV or staring at your phone.) +
Ask, “Would you like me to do X?” Ex: setting the table, filling water glasses, fixing/pouring other beverages, taking the garbage out, taking the dog out, feeding the cats, entertaining the kids, answering the door or phone, DJing the music, wrangling guests to the table, etc. +
If you see something needs to be done and it doesn’t require asking about, just do it. Is there melted snow puddling by the front door? Wipe it up. Has a child (or adult!) spilled/dropped something? Clean it up. +
Obviously the level of what is appropriate will be different depending on your relationship to the host, but let me tell you, ain’t nobody complaining about you picking Cheerios up off the rug, okay?
5) Don't pester & don't t be underfoot. A lot of people have a system down, & explaining how to do things & having you in the way is sometimes more work. Don't be domineering, and don't intentionally or unintentionally imply that the host is not doing their job. Just be helpful.+
If they tell you they don’t need help, well, they’re possibly being polite and/or, in the case of mothers and grandmothers especially, rehearsing that socially ingrained custom that women are meant to endlessly perform domestic and emotional labor for their families. +
So again, make it clear you’re serious about helping. But if they really refuse, respect that and back off. Help in the way people want/need to be helped.
6) But Lord help you, if you did not do any cooking, grocery shopping, house cleaning, bedmaking, sheet and towel washing, decorating, gift buying, gift wrapping, guest inviting, or other planning and preparation…you had better be doing the dishes. Do not give in on this one. +
Do the damned dishes and beg the people who have been working all day to sit and relax. If there are items that must be cleaned carefully or in a specific way, let them handle it, but for Pete’s sake, wash the rest. Do it by hand if necessary and do not gripe about it.
Planning and hosting a holiday is a ton of work. A TON. Even a relatively small/casual/modest holiday requires a good amount of planning, organization, and straight up labor. Perhaps you don’t realize how much. Just planning and timing multiple food dishes alone is a lot of work.
Just because your host might make it seem easy doesn’t mean you should take it for granted.
Every family is different and every holiday celebration is different. I don’t presume to know how your kinship structure works, and I’m not going to tell you what works best for your family. Maybe you’re already doing most or all of this, or maybe other things I haven’t mentioned
Maybe the male members of your family do most of the work on holidays. Maybe your family is composed of non-gender-binary people to begin with.
Maybe your mother and grandmother and aunts and sisters (and you!) really do want to do the majority of the tasks because it makes them happy to do things for their hardworking families. (Or maybe you have control freaks in your family lol.)
And it’s likely that you do legitimately deserve a relaxing day. But so does everyone, including your mom. So please at least think about who is doing what kind of work on these upcoming holidays, and whether you could be doing more/encouraging others to do more.
(Also, I’m a big fan of plans that require less work of everyone on a day when everyone deserves to relax, so if your family wants to do pajamas and frozen pizza for the holidays, just do it.)
So the TL;DR is a) Don’t make the women do all the work, b) Be serious about offering specific help, and c) DO THE DAMNED DISHES.
