1/ Today started as an average Sunday. I was blissfully unaware of the world, dreaming one of my usual decadent dreams. This was the one in the massage parlor viewing the happenings from above and feeling every sensation, amplified as if everything were new.
2/ As always my masseuse was a petite lady with black hair, held back with chopsticks. She's hovered over me as she worked, her fingers pressing in, breaking the tension forcing it from my back and spine.
3/ Unsurprisingly metal conduits extended from her fingers and found their way deep into my flesh pinpointing the more difficult to reach spots. She worked her way up and down my spine, never revealing her face, and never leaving a mark -- despite her penetrating technique.
4/ But this time, unlike all of the other times, she leaned forward, I felt her hot oily breath upon my neck, and -- I assume -- her metal bra pressing itself into my back as her conduits worked their magic on my shoulders.
5/ Then I felt the biggest change from all the other massage dreams. It was the rasp-like touch of her tongue rubbing against my ear. Every nerve was set alive as she switched her oral electrical impulses on and off to the beat of "Blister in the Sun."
6/ And just as I was anticipating what would undoubtedly be a mechanical, yet passionate love scene -- one to top the second love scene in "Tetsuo: The Iron Man" -- I heard it. And it roused me from my slumber.
7/ Freddy was chasing squirrels in his sleep again. His fully terrier, half-bark, half-yip, three quarter volume cries of excitement were coming from just below my head. So I rolled off my sofa and began my day.
8/ And so, I had my usual cereal and tea, took care of the dogs, and indulged a little in the Twitterverse. Nothing wakes me better than sugar, caffeine and angrying up my blood.
9/ After fully roused, angry about the things I was told I need to be angry about, by perfect strangers I returned a call to an old friend. It was about apples. He didn't have any. His voice sounded more insectoid and raspy than I recall.
10/ As time slipped away and reality morphed slowly, I realized I was late at getting to the coffee shop. My sister was driving down to "talk."
11/ As it would happen, she really did just want to hang out with her brother and fumbled her wording the other day. It was a pleasant conversation and interaction in general with one exception.
12/ The exception wasn't one she had any control over. My usual barista was in eye-shot the entire time. Something was "off" with her and it bothered me to no end.
13/ By the end of coffee I finally figured it out. The LED array in her forehead, which previously didn't strike me as odd but should have, was rapidly blinking out a bunch of messages in Morse Code.
14/ It was odd because Kat doesn't normally sport a hi-tech LED array in her forehead, muchless send messages with one. Plus she was behaving more mechanically than I recall. I initially wrote it off on her being college age and likely having a later night. Now I'm not so sure.
15/ Not knowing Morse Code I decided to err on the side of caution and did nothing. I left the shop once my sister and I concluded our visit.
16/ On arriving home the dogs greeted me in their usual overly excited fashion. The computer, however, behaved differently.
17/ Before I had a chance to sit down at it, I heard it yelling out a cliche saying in a cliche voice: You've Got Mail.
18/ This was quite intriguing as when I left for coffee the speakers were powered down, the monitor didn't have a giant three dimensional mouth on it, and I've not had an AOL account for a long time.
19/ So I power cycled the computer, monitor and speakers to clear up the glitch. Then I logged into Gmail and saw there was no new mail. It was still at 399 unread messages.
20/ After I muttered to myself "I wonder what mail it was talking about?" A conduit fingered, oozing, biomechanical hand and arm slowly sprouted from the side of the monitor and pointed out the window at the mailboxes. I tried ignoring it, but it clearly wanted my attention.
21/ Being a Sunday and before the usual mail delivery time, were it a Saturday, I was skeptical, but decided to give it a look. Sure enough there was a package. From the label it appears it was sent all the way from the Amazon.
22/ A faint orange glow pulsated from within the plain brown wrapping. You would think with all of the horror, science fiction, reality bending stories I've read and movies I've seen I'd have known better than to open it. On most any other day of the week you'd have been right.
23/ I don't know much of what's happened since. It's been a blur. However, unless my senses deceive me: Freddy is demanding a better monocle; Foxy has forbid the wearing of top hats; and I suspect I'm no longer in the Bidenverse.
24/ Although I can't really say, with any certainty, where, when or *if* I really am.
