Thread by @patrick_oshag

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A week ago, I had a thoroughly bizarre experience that not many people do: For 20 minutes, I thought I was going to die. As evidence: I wrote my wife Lauren a goodbye note. Here’s what I was thinking about in that space of time.

I thought about my family.

I missed my wife even though she was right next to me. I was so sad for my kids. I thought so much about them laughing.

I fixated on two specific details:

My son sitting at the top of the stairs, waiting patiently every morning for me.

The nape of my daughters neck—always visible because her hair is so short and curly, and impossible not to kiss.

I thought about some strange stuff. For instance, I felt myself getting angry at my nurse. Then thought: there is never a reason to lose your temper…ever. Doing so is absurd. No one looks back with a few days perspective and thinks “I didn’t get mad enough.”

There isn’t really anything to do, or accomplish. THERE IS ONLY AN EXAMPLE TO SET.

I laid there hoping that I had set good enough examples for everyone I cared about, because they certainly have for me.

Most people—myself included—are just too selfish. It is so hard to not be. I remain distressed about this.

Setting an example means action, not words. I’ve thought about this the most since. I was especially thankful for everyone with whom I work, who are all so good at DOING. A thought: give credit and thanks and never worry about getting it.

We waste too much time. Not in the sense of “lost productivity.” Rather, we waste time on filler distractions that could instead be spent in appreciation of little wonders. I thought of that book title: “Amusing Ourselves to Death” with some horror. Says me on twitter

I desperately wanted to be outside in the woods or near water. I feel this almost all the time. Its preposterous how much time we spend in chairs. This is a major misalignment that we’ve created between ourselves and the universe!

I’m not sure why this came up, but I thought of the ridiculousness of the term “delayed gratification.”

We need to change what is gratifying, from passing pleasures to abiding joys, kindnesses, and episodes of learning and sharing, and then seek gratification all the time.

Thought of the phrase “fearful fragmentation.” It is when we separate or draw lines that we get into trouble.

Still, I felt very alone, and honestly very scared. I’m still scared.

A snippet from what I texted to my wife, this section especially meant for my kids: “Love and focus on family. Explore and try new things. Forgive as much as you can. Realize life can be hard for everyone so give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Always give more than you take.”

The CT scan came back negative—no brain bleed—and things began improving. Humans bounce back so quickly from any precipice. Now, knowing the tiny probability that I was actually in danger, I was being dramatic and maybe even silly—but that doesn’t change the subjective experience

In the aftermath, I feel so god damn lucky and thankful, especially for Lauren. I hope none of you has to experience that feeling, but am somewhat glad that I did because I think it will at least push me towards being a LITTLE less selfish, for good.

Now, time for some pancakes