1) You are goddamn right I would be. You know what, fuck it, here's my White House Correspondents Dinner Roast. Pour yourselves a drink and fucking buckle up.
2) Evening everyone, I am your Roastmaster for the evening, HNIJohnMiller, called upon by the God-Emperor of the United States, and thankfully on short enough notice a Hawaiian judge couldn't block the appointment.
3) You probably do not know me as a drunk asshole on Twitter. That's fine, I'll describe myself a bit. I'm a lot like our President, except he's ONLY an asshole on Twitter.
4) That being said, I want to note I intended this to be much more thematic and entertaining, however, not all of my requests could be met. Sean Spicer apparently refused to lend me his motorized podium and his white board.
5) While I'm up here, I wanted to make sure I congratulated Sarah Sanders for becoming the incarnation of every Mens Rights Activists' greatest fear and taking a mans job out from under him. Good on ya.
6) I also want to take the opportunity to throw a few shots at someone who doesn't receive them too often. Melania. PLEASE stop making every other First Lady in the world feel inadequate. You're going to be the cause of a Second Trojan War if you keep this shit up.
7) I see The Mooch managed to make it tonight. Hey, dude, great meeting you, I just wanted to make sure I did before you leave in 10 minutes.
8) Now that we have that out of the way, time to turn my attention to the rest of you. That's right. It is YOUR TURN. Except unlike Hillary Clinton, you all will get your turn.
9) But first, a positive note for some real honest journalism. A round of applause for Rachel Maddow, everyone!
10) Give her some credit for being the one journalist to stick to her guns and report on Trump's leaked tax returns showing he paid more than Bernie Sanders, Hillary Clinton, and Rachel Maddow herself combined! That takes guts. Serious guts.
11) Alright, time for the gloves to come off. Jake Tapper, where are you? Oh, there you are! Wait, that's Cuomo?
12) Christ, I still can't tell you two apart, two dark suit dark hair white crackers. In my defense, I have it on good authority the interns they're banging can't either.
13) That's right, I've got anonymous sources too motherfuckers, more anonymous sources than Maggie Haberman on a slow news day!
14) Speaking of Maggie Haberman, where's Mike Schmidt? Dude, bro, get out from under the table, there is no need to have your head up her dress, she's not writing an article for you right now.
15) Next on my list here, Ishikoff. Where's Yahoo's table? Does Yahoo HAVE a table? Did anyone remember that Yahoo still exists?
16) I'll give Yahoo credit, in the age of the internet, they have found a level of ancient beyond the Legacy Media. They are now the Fossil Media.
17) Anyways, I want to thank Ishikoff for helping me land this gig. See, the FBI in their background check of me didn't know if I was funny, so I needed someone to write an article about me to use as evidence for the FBI, and I heard he excelled at that kind of thing.
18) Just to get this away from the media for a bit, Kanye West is here! Kanye, I saw you start to get up when I was called to the podium, thank you for catching yourself.
19) As is tradition, you'll need to hear it from me first: You'll never be President. With that out of the way, good luck on your 2024 run.
20) Mrs Kim Kardashian-West, if you cause a THIRD Trojan War, I will be very cross with you. Just saying.
21) Nikki Haley, our ambassador to the UN, and responsible for dropping more verbal MOABs than we've had a chance to use in Afghanistan. I've been asked to remind you by Pompeo that choking the shit out of the Russian ambassador to the UN remains inappropriate.
22) That being said, if you want to arrange something to happen to him in an alleyway when no one's looking, call me, I know people.
...
Ok, actually, I don't, I'm just lonely.
...
Ok, actually, I don't, I'm just lonely.
23) Back to the media, I want to make sure I keep this balanced so everyone views this as a nonpartisan roast. So that means skipping Shep Smith, I've hit enough liberal journalists already.
24) I'm also skipping Cernotwit. He has me blocked on Twitter for calling him out on his hyperbolic bullshit, so I'll block him in real life. Hear that Cernobitch? You don't get a joke. SETH ABRAMSON gets a joke. You don't. Resuming block.
25) Speaking of Seth, where is he? Last I saw he was going into the bathroom to look for clues about Russian Collusion. Oh, hey, he's back! Did you find any? ... what's that on your nose? You know what, nevermind, no one wants to know.
26) SEAN HANNITY. I saw your tweet earlier, telling everyone to get excited for tonight's main event. Then I came up to the podium. Way to let your audience down again after overhyping it way too much.
27) Tucker Carlson! Tick tock for you buddy! Wait, that's Sean Hannity's thing. Sorry, I just figured with you being a younger clone of Sean Hannity your idioms would be as identical as your shows. Besides your confused facial expression.
28) Can I just say to all the major networks, almost all of your make anchors look way too much alike. Seriously. Even a local access channel show like CNN has Anderson Cooper.
29) That being said, Anderson Cooper, I loved you in Game of Thrones, I was rooting for the White Walkers the entire season.
30) I'm going to wrap it up here, I've been craving some high quality bourbon, and I accidentally left my glass unattended. With Brokaw in the audience, I can't be too careful. GOODNIGHT!
