Thread by @jonathancristol

OK fine. I will live-tweet Trump's speech in Ohio that is supposed to start any moment. But I'm opening a can a wine to do it.

(That's right, you heard correctly. It's a can of Underwood Pinot Gris.)

I'm even watching Fox, bc I know they won't cut off a single-word of their Lord and Savior's speech.

I can't tell you how much Trump's "Promises Kept" banners irk me; mostly bc that was the name of my undergraduate thesis.

Update: Trump still hasn't started and since I don't want to throw up this can of wine, I'm flipping between C-Span and CNN.

Update #2: Back to Fox, but I really wish I was just watching the Karate Kid, which AMC has been showing almost around the clock for weeks. Note: that is not a complaint.

Update #3: I am also craving sesame noodles and a bowl of pickles. Luckily, one of the great things about NYC is that I can get both of those from the same place no matter when this speech ends.

I flipped to RT to see if they're covering this speech... but apparently not, or at least not yet.

Will Trump go after LeBron James in OHIO? (probably, I'm wagering yes)

Here we go folks... he's sizing up the crowd and getting ready to go...

Some people look near tears being in his presence (for the wrong reasons).

"I love Ohio. What a victory?" I assume he means his own.

Yes. He does.

"They used to say Trump can't get it because it all goes through Ohio, but we won by a lot."

Trump has a genuine talent for this sort of thing, like the best stand-up comics. I mean that sincerely and it terrifies me.

"Those companies that left, they want to come back." He says, though countries are fleeing our new tariffs.

Is the crowd chanting "Ice! Ice!" Yes they are, and now "build that wall."

"We're defending our constitution," says the one president who almost certainly has never read it.

"You're the elite. You're smarter than they are. You make bigger incomes. You go to the best schools."

"I became president and they didn't and it's driving them crazy."

Now is the section where he has to give shout outs to the people he's ostensibly campaigning for.

That was short-lived... now he's saying how he didn't have the support of a variety of Ohio elected officials and "you remember that great night in November."

Cripes.

"They announced, 'the polls are closed. Donald Trump has won the state of Ohio.'"

"I think we won by 11 points, didn't we Bob."
"8 and a half."
"Did you have to be so accurate Bob."

Who is this truth-teller called Bob?

The first "CNN sucks" chant of the evening.

He is totally in his element here. It's a super packed room with die-hard fans all around him and close up (it's a high school gym). He feeds on the energy.

"Jim Jordan. How great is he?"

Does he really want to go out on this limb? Yes. Yes he does. He's bringing him out on stage even.

Now Jim Jordan is speaking and recounting Trump's achievements including "the hostages have been returned from North Korea."

TWO OF WHOM WERE TAKEN UNDER TRUMP.

Trump on Jordan, "That is one tough cookie. I don't want to wrestle him."

Jesus.

We're back to election night tales, folks.

It does seem that Trump is about to Rickroll this guy he's endorsing.

[now ubiquitous attack on Maxine Waters] "a seriously low IQ person"

"We have things that have never happened before."

you got that right.

"I think it could be a red wave [in the midterms.]"

It won't be, but Trump could easily win in 2020 if the Dems blow it.

"Our country has never ever been like this."

Also true.

Now the candidate in the district is speaker. I know little about him, but obviously am suspicious of anyone Trump endorses.

What I do know is that Fred Armisen will for sure play him on SNL if necessary.

Sidenote: in 2020 will MAGA still be the slogan or would that imply that he failed to MAGA in the first four years?

I suppose this is as good a time as any to mention to the folks following along that my book, "The United States and the Taliban before and after 9/11" will out this October.

OK. Trump is back and saying that "the new platform of the democrat party is let's abolish ICE and not worry about crime."

[ubiquitous MS-13 section]

Please note: MS-13 does not occupy our country, and ICE does not actually liberate occupied towns.

Now Trump citing anecdotal evidence (aka not evidence, but anecdotes) about immigrants and crime.

"People say we have a majority but we don't have a majority. We have one person not voting..." [you can tell he is really trying his best to hold back on McCain]

I literally have no idea what he is talking about now about the SC.

"I want people with the highest test scores." says the president to a country that has largely moved away from standardized tests as a measurement of future success.

"They compare me to Abe Lincoln. 'Honest Abe."

Really. Do they? Really?

"What we've done has been a miracle to a lot of people."

"If I get the trade deficits down we could pick up 3 or 4 points in GDP. Nobody says that."

Now he is saying our trade deals are the worst deals in "the history of the world."

"We had an $817 billion trade deficit per year. Think about it!"

I assume the number is wrong; but also we get goods and services for the money... it isn't a cash giveaway.

"I'm a free trader."

Perhaps one of his greatest lies.

[blabbering about tariffs, which he does not understand in the least. He also talks as if we have all state-owned enterprises.]

"Believe it or not, [other countries] like me."

I'll take "not."

"Can you imagine if I said we'd create 4 million jobs what the fake media would have said?"

Trump is taking credit for auto plants that already exist.

Wait. Wait. Is he conflating the trade deficit with the national deficit?

Now he is talking about how he went to Wharton, which does not speak well of Wharton.

(Note: My mother went to Wharton, i have nothing against it.)

"These rallies are very successful I must say."

MSNBC is so corrupt. They're almost worse. They're a fake news group of people.

Now a shout out to Tucker, Hannity, Ingraham, Doocey.

(above was a quote... NOT my views)

He is referring to Fox as "we." "It's why I won my election."

What is he talking about? What movie?

And... back to the election. "They refused to say I won Pennsylvania."

"[The media] are among the most dishonest human beings you'll ever meet."

Mark my words. He is going to get someone killed.

"These are really bad people."

"I never heard I was going to win the women.... My wife Melania said 'the women really like you.' and we won the women."

Cripes.

He's going to go all night isn't he?

"In all fairness to the HVAC designers and contractors. This room was not designed for this crowd."

Fox has now cut into the speech. But I guess just to switch shows to some other supplicant. Just in time to hear trump attack the "globalists."

Now he is attacking the Kochs, "who are members of my clubs."

"We are finally rebuilding our country."

Ironically, the one thing Trump was right about during the campaign was infrastructure and he has done nothing about it since taking office.

(now comes the William McKinley section of the speech)

While he lists steel companies I will order pickles and sesame noodles.

Update: Order complete and submitted.

Did he just say that Dianne Feinstein is leading the Russia investigation "if that's what you call it"? Yes he did.

"How come China never spies on us?"

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

"We have ended the war on clean coal and our miners are back to work."

Any tweeps remember the game Miner 2049er? Classic.

Well, if he goes all night at least I'm already packed and my flight to Colorado Springs isn't until the afternoon.

"We're fighting opiods. We're down 20%. Thanks to our $2 billion investment in armored vehicles our workers in Lima Ohio are now back on the job churning out Abrams tanks."

That's just about verbatim.

"I have directed the Pentagon to... create the Space Force. Space. It's very important. So much is happening now in space. I'm not just talking about Mars and the Moon."

"I'm good at getting things passed. My whole life. The Democrats are obstructionists. Let's get rid of law enforcement... they are haters."

Cripes.

"We are proudly standing up for our national anthem."
[USA chant ensues]

Maybe he is wrapping up. "Together we are taking back this country."

He just claimed to have worked in Cincinnati for a long time. Is that true?

"We are the home of the proud?... Ohio is the home of everything good. Ohio is where the Wright Brothers invented the aeroplane."

"We are Americans and our hearts bleed red white and blue."

IT'S OVER! THANK GOODNESS.

Now I have changed it back to @AnaCabrera, who is an actual journalist.

One observation: Very little mention of Mueller or Russia.

Update: Pickles and noodles just got here.