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Friendship IS romance. Queer folks know this. Polyamorous folks know this. You can have friend crushes. You can friend woo someone. Friendship IS romance.
If your friendships lack romance you have shitty friends. My friends take care of me when I am sick. We take each other on friend dates. We buy each other gifts. We LOVE each other deeply. Just because there isn’t sexual involved doesn’t mean it’s not romance or real love.
I need more of us to reject the heteropartiarchal narrative even if you choose to be straight or monogamous. Practice queer poly love in your friendships. Have deep relationships of all sorts that you value!
*sex not sexual
This topic gets me so fired up I forget to proofread! Truly though, as a queer polyamorous person in long distance relationships, romantic friendships are essential to my survival. Shoutouts to @MollyClarkBarol, @MaeveKane, @Whryne & others not on this platform.
This topic gets me so fired up I forget to proofread! Truly though, as a queer polyamorous person in long distance relationships, romantic friendships are essential to my survival. Shoutouts to @MollyClarkBarol, @MaeveKane, @Whryne & others not on this platform.
Ppl are having strong reactions so let’s clarify some things.
For folks saying “PLATONIC RELATIONSHIPS ARE VALUABLE.” Different dictionaries give conflicting defs. Some define platonic as nonsexual & others as nonsexual AND non-romantic. I was/am operating from the former.
For folks saying “PLATONIC RELATIONSHIPS ARE VALUABLE.” Different dictionaries give conflicting defs. Some define platonic as nonsexual & others as nonsexual AND non-romantic. I was/am operating from the former.
My dictionary-based, polyamory-informed, personal understanding of romance is 1. Feelings of excitement & attraction based on love & 2. The act of wooing or courting
So, for me, romance is that excitement you feel, that FUCK YES, about a person you really like. I want friends who feel that excitement about spending time with me. I choose friends I feel that excited about. Other people are acquaintances, colleagues, teammates, roommates, etc.
There are lots of words to describe relationships with people, but friend is our loosest, broadest. In my life, when I call someone a friend, that has weight & meaning. I don’t aim to negate the experiences of aromantic people. We can each define friendships in our own way.
And yes, my flippantly saying friendships without romance are shitty likely upset folks. Here’s the thing: that *would* be a shitty friendship for me. I would not choose that friendship. If you choose it & its good for you, good for you. It’s not for me.
The purpose of this impromptu thread was not to devalue romance or friendship, but to note that relationships carry various levels of attraction & courting. You have to let someone know you like them by seeking them out, talking to them, spending time with them, etc.
IMHO, if we learned to build relationships (which I’d consider romance, that is, courting someone to enter or sustain a relationship) & then allow those relationships to take shape around the needs & desires of each individual rather than stock cultural molds, we’d be better off.
Aromantic folks may disagree with me and I welcome yall to write threads or blogs to explain your perspectives. Several already have in response to this. But most of the negative responses I’ve seen generally take issue with language over content & meaning here.
The “gross” & “I’m friends with my brother but we’re not incestual” reactions, however, reflect our cultural inability to discern deep feelings & commitment from traditional sexual-romantic relationships. Some of the responses also seem quite homophobic.
As I’ve said a few times recently, I’m not here to debate strangers. If I post something that is oppressive, always let me know. If you disagree with me, cool, you don’t have to clog my mentions forever because of it. It’s not my fault someone you know liked/shared my words. ✌🏾
Also, hiiii, if you got to the end of this & like what I said, consider giving me a follow. My goal is 10k followers by the end of 2019 as I continue to pursue more public intellectual speaking & writing in addition to my academic work. Thanks yall!
