Thread by @AzieDee

Lemme tell you something, almost any person of color who is in college or university beat generational layers of instability and poverty to get there. Even if they were middle class they were, statistically speaking, one mistake away from losing everything.

My stepdad integrated a school when he was a little child, and had crippling anxiety as a result. He was also one of the only black people in his FL college. One night he was walking alone from a store and his friends didn’t recognize him. They called him nigger as they drove by.

He dropped out and struggled with drug addiction his whole life as a a result of self-medicating his resulting race-based anxiety, and his genetic bi-polar disorder.

Flash forward to my life and what I should say is that our whole household struggles with him.

My mom comes from almost exclusively land/business-owning free people of color, here since the 16/1700s. And land/business owning Natives. My grandparents were college graduates.

My mom almost left college bc of the intensity of the racism. And a missing/murdered black friend.

She transferred to an HBCU which is what saved her. It’s what saved the whole home because her ABD PhD and resulting income, and her parent’s help, was the only reason we stayed afloat.

You could look at my middle class life and say that I had what I needed to succeed. A good, mixed but mostly white neighborhood. I tested into the best and most challenging high school in the county. I kept a near 4.0 gpa, received a merit scholarship for my PSAT score.

But if you had *any* idea the instability I was dealing with just because my family was black. And I believe in taking personal responsibility. My parents made major mistakes. But the mental/emotional pathologies that exist in our communities is crippling and is systemic.

I mean, fuck, sometimes I didn’t have a computer because it was sold for drugs. My Mom was great but she hardly knew where I was applying for school because she had other things to deal with. No one could afford SAT prep, are you kidding? Did anyone go over my essay? HA!

I wanted to go to NYU. That was my dream school. And I wanted to go for theatre. NYU is one of these schools that is an Ivy in most respects except it never had sports in the league.

To get into the acting program (Tisch) you have to get into the college itself academically.

An md to get into Tisch, you have to have a resume, audition and interview.

Now, I had gone to a science&tech magnet school. There was an theatre program, a good one too, but it was run by a pedophile. A pedophile who was not attracted to black girls so he never casted them.

I didn’t know he was pedophile until he went to jail for it years later. But what I did know is that I was not getting in any shows. I white girl played Tituba for godsake. I showed him a drama camp I wanted to go to for summer and he discouraged me “It’s a bit white for you.”

Just thinking abt this makes me tear up. But anyway, - racist drama teacher didn’t make for a very good acting resume. So I found acting programs outside of school. They cost money but my mom found it. Occasionally my bio father would pay for them.

Racism costs so much money.

My mom also paid for my singing lessons - a white woman opera singer. What did she think I should audition with?

“Can’t Help Lovin that Man” from Showboat. Fuck. That. Shit.

Thank god for Audra McDonald. Because her, I bought a Harold Arlen songbook and quit.

I’m sorry it’s “Can’t Help Lovin *DAT* Man”

Dat.

Dat is some bullshid.

My first big role was at a community theatre in a church. “You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown”, I played Lucy. Linus was also black.
Cast photos were up next to character drawings. The dir asked artist to make Lucy & Linus browner and she said “That’s not what Schultz intended”

I was standing right there and it was a pointed statement.

At one night’s performance someone fell out of their chair from laughing so hard. Literally fell. I did that.

Was that what Schultz intended or naw?

You know the end of the story. I got into NYU. With a 4.2 that I let slide my last semester of HS (after acceptance) because I wanted a break and calculus was not giving me one. So I left with a 3.85.

I showed my drama teacher the letter from Tisch and his jaw fell.
Me:

My 1st semester of college we had mid-term talks with professors.
One professor says “All black female students have the same problem, youre so defensive. I know why. Where you come from, you were the smartest in your school. You get here and find out there are people smarter”

I don’t know what movie he was in but it was not mine.

I was quiet. Not defensive.

And I was traumatized from the years of trying to get there and the waiting for someone to inevitably say some shit that would be traumatizing. About how I didn’t belong.

Look, everyone has troubles. Everyone has to grit their teeth sometimes, ignore the haters, rise above the drama, push through the pain.

But not everyone has to do that simply because of the skin they were born in. And that is the problem.

Fin.