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Introducing a new tech conference: All Things Suck!
Come to All Things Suck, the only conference that makes every aspect of the event terrible, except for most conferences in tech.
Attend our diverse panels full of white men and whiter men. They were the only ones competent and available. (One of them speaks Spanish!)
Watch multi-millionaires talk about how working 80 hours a week for their companies is a virtue!
Apply to speak. Of course we won't pay for your travel, and if you ask we'll withdraw the invitation because you'll sound poor.
If your talk is accepted, you'll realize that you're one of the only folks presenting who isn't part of the clique / are buddies with the organizing teams.
Lunch will be provided; our vegetarian option is "Chicken." Gluten-free option is chicken salad. Kosher and Halal requirements can be met by your eating elsewhere.
Plan your schedule in our mobile app built by the lowest bidder, who is entirely coincidentally some SVP's niece or nephew.
Our keynotes are the finest money can buy, which is why our Chrysanthemum tier sponsors bought them.
On the expo hall floor, we're bringing back Booth Babes to pass out unisex t-shirts that are designed to fit both body types--overweight and tall!
Get your badge scanned by pro football players moonlighting as marketers as they tackle you across the expo floor.
Our evening event will be keynoted by an aging rocker from the 80s who's outlived his bandmates and has sold out. Cheaply.
Buy your tickets now, because they're going to go quickly!
We can't wait to see all of you at the Holiday Inn Express by the airport, conveniently walking distance from the nearest Hooters.
…it occurs to me that if someone starts reading mid thread, they might take this out of context. Whoops.
