Thread by @JAEbberts

On Depression and Anxiety: A thread.

first, there is some theoretical framework that needs to be built. We will begin with Self-Image and the "Self-Image Triad"

Lets assume that a primary function we all share is in maintaining a healthy self-image. This is one of the major things we strive for, and much of what we do and how we conduct ourselves revolves around ensuring that this self-image is strong and intact...

Our self-Image is supported by three legs, Self-esteem, Self-Respect and Self-Confidence. More on those in a moment.

These three things, when healthy and functioning appropriately, allow us to function relatively well in the world and among our peers...

I like to think of this model as a 3-legged stool. When all 3 legs are firmly planted, we are supported atop. We are not concerned with falling because we can feel its security beneath us. We are free to engage in the world around us...

But what happens when we kick a leg out from under the stool? What happens to that security, that stability? Suddenly our focus & attention is on, not only the leg that is missing, but in balancing on the legs that remain. If our goal is to stay upright, it just got difficult...

Back to each leg; Self-Esteem, Self-Confidence and Self-Respect.
These things are not universal. Well, they are, but not everyone derives them from the same place. Depending on which type of person you are, self-esteem is going to come from a very different place than another...

this is where it gets fun, but a little tricky.

for most of you, Self Esteem will come from one of two places primarily;

either your sense of the depth of your relationships with others, or in what ways you believe your ideas are valued by others...

those may appear to be the same things, but theyre not.
The former is concerned with whether or not someone is as into me as I am them, and the latter is concerned with whether or not someone defers to me on anything or values my input...

both, however, are externally derived. Meaning, to have a strong sense of self-esteem, there needs to be someone in your life who has or who is affirming the very things you seek. Self-Esteem, then, is about our relationships with "Others"...

As mentioned above, when this particular leg is absent, things get wobbly. Guess what feeling tends to supplant self-esteem when that relationship is lacking?

Self-Loathing and DEPRESSION...

We are often depressed because we are unsatisfied with our relationships to others...

Self-Confidence works in the same way, but again, where it comes from is different for different people.

For most of you, it will either come from a strong sense of personal resolve (the opposite of which being the anticipation of failure) OR...

it will come from a sense of Authenticity or Honesty, that is, how honest are you being with yourself and with others in a given situation.

Just like Self-esteem, Self-Confidence is required for a secure and positive self-image...

When that particular leg gets kicked out from under us, however, there is another negative feeling that takes its place and that is ANXIETY.

Anxiety often comes from either an anticipation of an inevitable failure, OR...

from an inability to be authentic in a situation (or to be able to adequately read what sort of authenticity a situation requires)

Self-esteem is about our relationship to others, self-confidence is about our relationship to self...

Do you see yourself as a failure? Is failure inevitable? Are you being dishonest with others about who you are and what you're about? A lot of the time your anxiety is going to be proportionate to that perception of your self....

Finally, Self-Respect.

Self-respect, again, for most of you, comes from either;

A strong sense of Autonomy. That is,

"am I doing this because its what I want to do, or because someone is making me do it?" OR...

it comes from a sense of personal morality. An internal moral code of conduct that you cant violate without feeling bad about yourself. A black and White understanding of what is allowed and what isnt...

The degree to which you violate self-respect by either allowing yourself to be acted upon (autonomy) OR by violating your own moral standards is the degree to which you experience Guilt and Shame.

Self-esteem is about Others
Self-Confidence is about relationship to Self...

Self-Respect is about relationship to God (or whoever is keeping score and would know your motivation for doing or not doing something).

Most people do a pretty good job maintaining the Self-Respect leg of their stool, but usually not before losing the other two...

Losing all 3 legs puts you in an emotional free-fall. this is where a lot of really bad and self-destructive habits form. This is where I find most people "in crisis"...

in summation;

Your depression often (Im avoiding absolute language on purpose) stems from an unsatisfying relationship with others, usually family of origin. What you're seeking from that relationship depends on which type of person you are...

your anxiety often stems from a conflicted relationship with self; either in anticipation of failure and doubt in ones ability, or in feeling inauthentic and dishonest, usually for fear of ruining the all ready tenuous relationships you may have...

your guilt and shame comes from either being unwilling to act for yourself (or finding yourself in a position of dependence and being unable) OR from failing to maintain your own sense of morality through your own poor or inappropriate conduct...

In the simplest of terms, SO MUCH of what ails us can be reduced to a simple focus on our relationships;

Relationship to Others
Relationship to Self
and
Relationship to God.

All three of these things are addressable to some degree or another. Youre not entirely at the mercy of your depression and anxiety. Its not a chronic illness that you cant recover from.

It just requires you understand what it is in response to, and meet that need.