It's #WorldMentalHealthDay2019 & I want to say that mental health issues can be big or small, they can happen any time. So here's a THREAD about something that happened to me this year. You know I'm gallus af, right? I don't really feel shame - I mean, as an emotion, BUT .../1
I had been on the road a few days doing events & I'd been booked for this festival. So I turned up & it was *cool* - like it was full of folk with tattooes & everyone was super talented. Disarmingly goodlooking people were left and right. So I did something I don't normally do .2
I got nervous. To the point I considered just jumping in the car & driving straight home without telling anyone.I was going on in about an hour. Then I spotted this tent which was called the 'Mental Health tent'. I loitered for a bit. Then plucked up the courage to go over but /1
when I got there the lady said 'How can I help you?' & I felt incredibly ashamed all of a sudden. What was I going to say? 'I'm nervous of going on stage?' So I asked her if she could help me cos I had a headache (I didn't) Anyway, she sent me to the shop to buy a paracetemol. /4
I actually went cos I thought she might notice if I didn't. Then I sat on a bench & tried to figure myself out. I felt completely unworthy as if everyone was going to laugh at me the minute I went on. I burst into tears. For those who don't know me this is ATYPICAL. Big time. /5
Then I saw a Mum go past with 2 kids & I decided to imagine I had a 'Mum' with me & if I did what she might say. And basically, imaginary Mum talked me round. I did the event - it was grand. The feeling had came out of nowhere & disappeared. I know ppl have worse to deal with /6
but for me I felt a flag had gone up. The worst thing was feeling too ashamed to ask for help. I figured there was something wrong more generally cos of that, so when I got home I had a couple of sessions with a therapist. I haven't had a problem since. But what I learned was /7
#Mentalhealthawareness is important. It can happen to anybody, anytime. Shame sucks. Even small incidents can be crippling. I know this is tiny. My SIL has chronic depression & is in and out of hospital, so I am close to someone whose life has been fucked in bigger ways. /8
An hour-long loss of confidence was huge for me, I can only imagine what it's like for her, every day, struggling against herself. I admire her strength a lot. And we all need to be more open about these issues, big and small, cos that in itself is a form of support.
