It's 2 am here in #Taipei, yet I'm sitting in front of my laptop, trying to type out all my feelings after some rather upsetting conversation with my parents. Tonight is not the first time that we argued about my career choice, but it is the first time that I felt ...
... that maybe they will never come to appreciate what I do and why I choose to do it. Almost a year ago, I shared a long thread here, talking about my mom asking me to keep a low profile and stay away from writing about topics that might upset #Beijing.
That time, the conversation ended in an upbeat, as I somehow seemed to successfully convince her to put her support behind my decisions. But almost a year later, similar requests came up again during our weekly chat on the phone, and this time, she and my dad both seemed ...
... a lot less supportive and rather more assertive about asking me to drop what I've been working on for the last 12 months. My constant visits to Hong Kong over the summer triggered their anxiety, especially after news about #Taiwanese nationals disappearing following ...
When I came back from my last assignment from #HongKong, I promised them that I'd try not to go there for several weeks, which helped to tone down their anxiety level. But as many of you might have seen on my Twitter, another topic that I've been consistently covering ...
Today, when I called my mom to just share some regular updates, it was obvious that there was something that she wanted to tell me. When I asked her to let out what's concerning her, she presented a long list of moments over the past few weeks where I had made her sleepless.
I tried to control my anger and let her go on. And when she literally said " I just don't understand why you have to dig your own grave by intentionally challenging the Chinese government," I just had to stop her right there.
I told her "Listen, I know being a parent of a son who never seemed to follow their orders has been one of the toughest aspects of dealing with me growing up, but calling what I do on a daily basis as 'digging my own grave' was just too dramatic and rather unfair."
I started explaining to her why focusing on human rights stories means a lot to a gay Asian man who realized why it is important to have one's own voice, especially when so many conditions in life seem to be against him to start with. (I might be a bit dramatic here.)
I told her "when I had to fight so hard to earn a chance to speak up for myself, I want to be in a position where I can lend a voice to those who may not have the privilege to do so, and that's what inspires me to focus on certain topis as a journalist."
She said "if you still care for my poor nerves and soul, you should consider dropping this confrontational stance and try to write about some other topics that will prevent you from sending yourself into a Chinese jail in the next few years."
There I was, holding my phone and trying to utter out a few more words, yet all I could do was telling myself to breathe and not explode at her. I know where she's coming from, and I know why she was trying hard to get my dad on her side, so I will try to be a "good son."
But when I worked my "ASS OFF" to get to where I am now (2 full-time jobs for almost 5 years,) I also wish that they could at least respect my decisions a bit more. Instead of writing my efforts off as reckless and dangerous moves, I wish they try to think about it ...
... from my perspective just once. But this is how Asian parents express their concerns and negotiate with their kids - they try to overwhelm you with their emotions and impose traditional family values onto you so you start to feel guilty.
Guilty about a career that you have worked so hard to build for yourself and guilty for fighting hard for rare opportunities that many fellow journalists would have hoped to get.
But at the age of 30, I'm done being forced to feel guilty for my own decision and I'm done being told that I'm still incapable of managing my own life. I'm done living a life that I have to constantly compromise my dreams for their anxieties.
I told her "I'm deeply appreciative of all of your concerns, and I also want you to know that I've been trying my best to ensure you and dad that I know how to think and act responsibly. But you also need to learn to let go and trust your kid."
"I will never be happy and feel accomplished if I always have to compromise my dream for your anxieties. I will only resent myself and later maybe you for talking me into dropping the things that I've worked so hard to earn."
She went silent for about 3 minutes and left me these words "I wish you learn to distinguish an ideal dream from a practical plan for life." Then she hang up, without giving me another chance to further explain myself or assure her.
I'm not sure how many more times I can handle conversations like this, where I have to bear with her emotional bombardment while convincing myself that what I have chosen for myself isn't a move to be disrespectful to my parents.
Sometimes, I think maybe setting a filter between her and me is the best way to avoid these long, painful and tough conversations, but I also know that avoiding to address the root of an issue would only further complicate things, leaving it unresolvable in the end.
So please bear with my emotional thread here my friends. Twitter has been a place where I remain inspired and challenged, and often times the feedback I receive here also help me to feel more assured of myself, especially my decisions.
As always, thanks for the overwhelming encouragement and words, and I promise to end the endless thread here. I'm not ready to just let go of what I've built for myself yet, but I also know that this struggle will always be a part of my journey, until the day I decide to move on.
