Good morning and Happy Festivus! Today there will be many, many grievances aired, almost all in good fun.
I’ve got a lot of problems with you people...
I feel like we have to start with impeachment, don’t you? I’ve got a lot of problems with all of you people and impeachment.
Take Nancy Pelosi (please). I don’t know if I can stop laughing long enough to air my grievances with Nancy. Her new plan is great - she is going to punish the president by NOT sending his impeachment to Senate? Next, maybe she’ll threaten to NOT send us anymore legislation?
It’s going to be really hard to live with myself if I don’t get to sit in a chair all day long for weeks at a time listening to people talk about Rudy Giuliani.
Thankfully, I didn’t have any calls with Rudy, or Adam Schiff would have been spying on me. Of course, the real trouble would have come at Christmas dinner when my Dad asked me what the hell I was doing talking to Rudy Giuliani.
You do have to wonder how he was the best the President could think of for a lawyer - “hey, get me that guy who spills his guts on CNN and butt dials everyone in Washington. He can keep a secret!”
It’s his second best hire behind that guy...what's his name, the guy who kept trying to start all the wars but then got fired on twitter.
Looking back at that last tweet I probably should narrow that down. Bolton. I’m talking about John Bolton. Not all the other hawks the President hired, didn’t listen to, got mad at and fired. Neocon Apprentice really wasn’t very well thought out...
Thankfully though, the President usually does listen to his own instincts, which on foreign policy are pretty good. Though if you ask him, he will insist they are PERFECT.
President Trump grades phone calls the way he scores his golf game, believe me a few mulligans are taken.
The fact is, everyone in Washington is just mad President Trump didn’t want to spend more of your money on foreign aid. Fine me with me. I say cut it all off, for any reason. Corruption? Cut if off. Starting wars? Cut it off. Stole our Netflix password? Cut it off!
That reminds me of some of my favorite waste report grievances - your government is terrible and you should really have a lot of problems how you spend it.
Frog mating calls...Read more here: bit.ly/2POvlaa 
Textbooks for students in Afghanistan while our teachers use their own money for supplies here...Read more here: bit.ly/2POvlaa
Dating apps...Read more here: bit.ly/2POvlaa
Serbian cheese...Read more here: bit.ly/2POvlaa
These are only a few examples but you get the idea. But we couldn’t possibly cut spending right? No waste here, no sir! We will have more of this in a little bit, along with more grievances against your favorite politicians. #HappyFestivus
I’m BACK with more #Festivus airing of grievances! While I was gone I was watching the highlights if the last few Democrat Debates. Let me tell you President Trump should be scared. I mean, these people would make formidable opponents for...
haha ok no, sorry. I can’t do that with a straight face. These debates are a clown show but the clowns are Not intentionally being funny.
The Democrats spend an awful lot of time talking about diversity and minority rights considered their only diversity is that they are multiple different 70 something on stage. And they have different haircuts.
Joe Biden is doing well. I feel like if the Democrats nominate him we are all going to discuss whether or not we should hand over the nuclear codes to someone who hasn’t been able to find his keys for a while now.
At least Joe is younger and more with it than Bernie Sanders. Bernie looks like the guy who chose the wrong cup in Indiana Jones.
I’m glad Bernie is in these debates though. If you’re gonna hear about socialism, why not hear it from the guy Marx asked to help edit his book.
Speaking of Socialism, how is anyone ok with this idea after watching the utter failures of the Soviet Union, Cuba and now Venezuela? How many countries have to eat their pets before we pull back from this one?
Speaking of which, Kim Jung Un must have had a LOT of pets.
I’m kidding if course. Kim Jung Un is in great health. In fact his doctor put out a letter saying he was the healthiest dictator ever to kill his uncle and half brother.
Did you know that for all of our tough talk about North Korea in recent years it isn’t long ago that we were giving North Korea foreign aid. In fact they got over $1b between 1996-2008. But that’s just one of many head scratching moments in wasteful government spending...
Moldova TV...Read more here: bit.ly/2POvlaa
Smoking fish...Read more here: bit.ly/2POvlaa
Green growth for Peru...Read more here: bit.ly/2POvlaa
Alcohol and the ER...Read more here: bit.ly/2POvlaa
We will be back later to talk about golfing with the President, some of my congressional friends, and don’t miss our FEATS of strength later where Chuck Schumer and Mitch McConnell will arm wrestle to see who gets witnesses at the impeachment trial!
I’m back to air some more #Festivus grievances at Congress. I cannot think of a place more deserving of your grievances.
Just last week Congress passed (without my vote) a massive, 2000+ page omnibus bill that spends nearly 1.4 trillion dollars. Members had less than 48 hours to see it. It contained dozens of other random pieces of legislation too
This is considered normal business by the leaders of both parties. It’s why we have a 22 trillion dollar deficit. It also shows why your government is - I don’t know how else to put this - very very dumb.
How dumb is your government with your money? Glad you asked...
Free college for international students...Read more here: bit.ly/2POvlaa
Food marketing...Read more here: bit.ly/2POvlaa
Google searches...Read more here: bit.ly/2POvlaa
Don’t worry though, these guys are all over the problem of young people smoking. They want to stop 14 year olds from vaping, so they raised the age to legally vape or smoke from 18 to 21...
If that last sentence made any sense whatsoever to you, congratulations!!! You’re crazy enough to run for Congress!
Congress does do some good things. For example, I partnered with Mitch McConnell over the last few years to legalize hemp, which has been a pretty big success. But you should have seen the first meeting we had where I explained what hemp was to Mitch
He was very concerned that people could smoke hemp and get high (you can’t). I told him well maybe but it would have to be the size of a telephone pole. I think he’s still confused.
I feel responsible though because after all of this, he became “Cocaine Mitch.” So maybe Cannabis is a gateway drug after all...
I’m kidding stoners. Don’t @ me.
Back to POTUS for a minute. I get teary eyed on Festivus when I think that it was created by Frank Costanza, and that Trump is President. It just shows you that a loud mouth from Queens who airs his grievances constantly can do or be ANYTHING in this world! You can do it too kids
Omg do NOT tell POTUS that some other guy from Queens created his own holiday. He will have to create the biggest BEST MOST PERFECT holiday you’ve ever seen.
And make Mexico pay for it.
Ok that's it for me. #HappyFestivus, Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays to all of you. I hope you enjoyed this years Festivus tweets and I hope you enjoy time with your family and friends during the holiday season.
