I'm sure most women know this feeling. A man 'brushes' against your breast. Or puts his hand a bit too low on your back. You immediately become very uncomfortable but you say nothing.
There are people there. You're doing something, you're engaged in conversation, you're focused on something else. You're acutely aware your boundaries are being violated but somehow it doesn't occur to you to stop it.
You know this man. The people around you know him. There's an unspoken sense of civility and respect that says that these things don't happen here. These people don't do these things. This is not that place.
This happened to me last night. Not the first time of course. In my decades of life I can't even remember the instances where this has happened. A man I met recently took me by the upper arm. Held his hand there. Touched my breast not once but several times.
I said nothing. We were saying good-bye and I made sure I got out of there. Got angrier and angrier as I walked to the car. He's huge, excessively handsome. The kind I know to watch out for because these men tend to be more entitled than most.
Today was my first day back in the office after my mum died. As I drove to work I decided to confront him, call him. Arriving at the office I broke down. I was feeling so vulnerable, how was I going to call him? Then again, how wasn't I?
I called a sweet friend who had been there, she told me he had been much too physical with her too. Constantly putting his hand on her back etc. No sense of boundaries, alpha male territorial behaviour.
This made me even angrier, so I decided to go ahead and call him, not put it off. I simply told him what had happened, that he had touched my breast several times and it made me uncomfortable, and he shouldn't ever do that again. And he should not be too physical with the women*.
*referring to the women in that particular context, a hobby.
He responded as correctly as can be expected. Sorry, I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable, thank you for telling me, etc. (PS I wasn't aware I did that.)
That little PS, can we unpack that for a moment? Either you know you did this (which he denies). If you go around touching the breasts of women you hardly know, you should not be around women.
Or you're not aware you did it, as he claims. That means you around touching women's breasts *without realising it*.
Again, you should not be around women. You should not touch them unless you're already in a very intimate relationship with them.
Again, you should not be around women. You should not touch them unless you're already in a very intimate relationship with them.
From now on, though, he won't be able to claim innocence if he disrespects women's physical boundaries in that particular context. I've put him on notice. Not that I expect him to care but I hope it strengthens the other women and helps them speak out.
Two reasons I'm sharing this here. I'm fucking proud of myself for having confronted him head on. I'm also fucking mad that he's put this pressure on me on an already difficult day for me. MEN WHY ARE THEY
And I know so many women go through these not-so-micro violations of our bodies and boundaries all the time. I think it's important to share our experiences in dealing with them and standing up to the men who commit them. Not judging those who haven't because I am also them.
Reminded of the awesome courage of the women speaking out under #MeToo who've been through much worse than this. If I think how hard it was for me to make this phone call, how much tension and fear must they have felt, knowing there'd be very real consequences?
Women are awesome. Men suck. The end.
