1 like = 1 George Washington fact
1. If you leave out sherry and biscuits on the night of July 3, you’ll be granted a sublime vision of George Washington’s hippo ivory dentures.
2. George Washington is the only person to ever be president and All-Seeing Eye simultaneously—the constitution was later amended to ensure a clear line of succession.
3. When George Washington died he was mummified in the Original Constitution because the pilgrims believed this would ensure a vote for white men in the afterlife.
4. These 6 things George Washington hates: yea, 7 are an abomination unto him:
A proud look, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood,
A heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet swift in running to mischief,
A false witness that speaketh lies, & he that soweth discord.
A proud look, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood,
A heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet swift in running to mischief,
A false witness that speaketh lies, & he that soweth discord.
5. George Washington did not actually write the Gettysburg Address and it sickens me that we always credit his elocution and not his speechwriter.
6. To this day George Washington has not ripened.
7. Most people don’t know that the Continental Congress was a George Washington boudoir shoot that got out of hand.
8. When George Washington wrote the Declaration of Independence he asked everyone at Mount Vernon what they wanted so he’d know what not to include.
9. George Washington’s proclivities are why we have congressional whips and that’s all I’ll say about that.
10. George Washington’s Vice President was his horse, who had actually been dead for three years at that point. This is why the start of every congressional session includes an opening-of-the-mouth ceremony for the VP and funerary offerings of hay.
11. George Washington never ate McDonald’s and he died anyway.
12. George Washington died only after eating poisoned cakes with Madeira, getting shot in the chest, dropped in the Malaya Nevka River.
13. “Old Glory” actually refers to George Washington’s penis, which is currently hanging in the Smithsonian.
14. When the White House was renovated in the mid twentieth century, they found, under the floor, the crook of a gigantic elbow and dared not excavate further. Do not pierce the chrysalis until George Washington is ready.
15. George Washington would not like Beyoncé.
16. Contrary to popular belief, George Washington did not get off on being called Mr. President. That was Martha.
17. Everyone who personally knew George Washington is dead now. Historians debate the significance of this; the most likely explanation is cannibalism.
18. George Washington was the first President to have gotten his start on Vine.
19. The most succulent of meats was George Washington, the plumpest of fruits was he, and the sweetest of wines. Eat of him and see; stain your lips and grease your fingers with his virtues. This is the grand communion of America.
20. George Washington’s hair was insured for $10,000. He did car commercials—in Japan. His favorite movie was Varsity Blues. One time he met John Stamos on a plane and John told him he was pretty. One time he punched me in the face. It was awesome.
21. George Washington could, and usually did, see in the dark. Many’s the time one might awaken in the warm Virginia night and find dull wooden teeth clamped on one. “Oh that Mr. Washington,” people said.
22. George Washington was a daddy tonhis men.
23. George Washington’s First Lady was the Unfinished Pyramid until the second year of his presidency, when the coast trembled under the tread of Martha Renewed.
24. George Washington could not tell a lie and was wholly unbearable, albeit for unrelated reasons.
25. George Washington was the last person to see Blackbeard alive, and the first person to eat olives.
26. George Washington invented slow cookers, and death by them.
27. Most historians believe George Washington smelled of zesty cool ranch at a time when most men preferred cologne. To attribute his success to this, however, is still a fringe view.
28. In a memorable incident, one of George Washington’s letters included a reference to hentai, which he later claimed was just something he and the kids were showing Martha.
29. In contrast to all preceding presidents of the United States, George Washington was the first.
30. Contemporary accounts describe George Washington’s voice as “the equivalent of using molasses as lube” and “like sucking on a care bear’s ear”
31. George Washington was the original voice actor for Cortana.
32. George Washington was the father of all of Secretariat’s children.
33. After his death, an autopsy revealed that all of George Washington’s inner organs were hands.
34. George Washington’s corpse is the source of the Nile.
35. George Washington grew proud and the gods were angered, & sent a wild man, a hairy man, to kill him, & after wrestling for 7 days & 7 nights they became lovers for 7 days & 7 nights, & from the dregs & slime of that long union were born Thomas Jefferson & American freedom.
36. George Washington’s essential daily nutrients included vitamin A, all the B’s, K, iron, magnesium, and racism.
37. George Washington’s parents prayed for a child and saw a star fall in the woods, and going after it, they found a child in a hollow tree, the which they took home and raised. And ever after the sun was dark and their bread was ash.
38. George Washington licked his lips constantly, as well as others’.
39. George Washington coined the term “motherfucker” but exclusively in reference to John Adams.
40. Historians disagree on the exact number, but anywhere from 45-73% of the constitution was bleated by George Washington during a moment of climax.
41. George Washington founded Six Sigma.
42. George Washington’s favorite song was the sound of the ant nest in Martha’s ears.
43. Most people who knew George Washington could not describe the texture of his skin, even under duress. The exception was John Hancock, who said it was like a knuckle, only all over.
44. George Washington, it is said, smelled of yeast and exhaled a unique blend of aldehydes. He is also rumored to be the only source of the spice mélange, so it sucks that he died.
45. George Washington’s love is held responsible for several deaths. On his birthday you must not travel in a northwesterly direction, in memory of the lost.
46. George Washington held no ideal he could not reason himself out of. His honor is treachery; his freedom, bondage. Smash his altars and cut down his images that it may go well with you in the land.
