Thread by @pleaserespond47

@TheNyaaNeco Ladies, @siestamk2 @Chiakipus Gentlemen, @planefag Shitposters and @sanguis3k Australians. It is my great honour to bring to you, for the first time translated in English and adapted for western audences,
If Programmers Built Houses (Ако програмистите строяха къщи).

1.03. Hooray! We've been offered a major contract for building a 12-story apartment building. Everyone is filled with enthusiasm. We drank 2 dozen beers.

t/l note: All dates are given in dd.mm format

2.03. The client doesn't like the expression "when it's done". Wants something like, say, a firm deadline. The idiot knows nothing of high technology.

3.03. We discussed deadlines. Drank 3 cases of beer. Petrov says it will take 4 months. That means 8. In the contract we put down 12, but it's doubtful we'll need less than 16.

t/l note: "a case of beer" generally fits 20 bottles each of 750ml.

6.03. Petrov went to return the bottles.

t/l note: this refers to recycling. You get money back for returning used glass bottles.

8.03. We celebrate 8th o' March. There are no women in the company, so nobody gets in the way of our celebration.

2.04. Petrov says we should start working. Something is wrong with this dude. We cleaned the construction site and put up pretty placards "The project is being built by "Allstroy" (allstroy.bg)". With a feeling of accomplishment we went to play "Quake".

t/l note: stroya (строя) means "to build" in Bulgarian.

20.04 The client came asking how the work is going. We let him beat us in Quake.

21.04. We were discussing the project. Siderov proposes to use panel architecture. Petrov insists that everything has to be built the old way - with bricks and not like some lamers. Alex gave the most radical idea. (cont)

(cont) Alex says we should build several tens of wooden sheds and connect them with underground tunnels. Says it's very modern in The West. We reminded him that the client wants a 12-story apartment building. (cont)

t/l note: The West refers to countries west of the Berlin Wall.

(cont) We tried to solve this via Quake duels. Alex and his sheds fell quickly, but there was a draw between Siderov and Petrov. We decided to let each build his half differently and stick them together in the end.

30.04 The first floor is complete. We showed it to the client. He's asking why the roofs are different heights in different rooms, why bricks are falling from the walls and why there's no door and you have to enter via the window. We explained those are demo limitations. (cont)

(cont) We went to celebrate with pride.

10.05. Petrov sobered up first and cursed for long. We thought Alex had drunk the beer. Turned out it's worse. We've forgotten the foundations. They're listed in the project, but only idiots read the documentation.

11.05. We tore down the first floor. It was insulting.

11.07. We're working. Petrov is finishing up the second floor, Siderov - the fifth. Alex has built the elevator shaft up to the 9th floor, but it sways worryingly during strong winds. For now we've stabilised it with wooden struts.

17.07. Alex is making the balconies and roof. On the ground. We'll bring them up with a crane afterwards.

13.08. Siderov's panels don't line up. The gap is almost a meter. Siderov asked Petrov to help, but he said he's got enough work and anyway without knowing the inner architecture of the panels nothing can be done.

14.08. We broke apart a few panels so Petrov can study their inner architecture. Petrov cursed and said that the panel designers are complete idiots.

17.08. Petrov plugged the gaps. The panels bent a bit, but that's nothing. Between the panels were left a few cracks, which Petrov fixed with duct-tape. Said it will be fine, unless it rains.

1.09. The construction workshop released a new version of panels, with improved durability and robustness, with integrated wall drawers. However, in shape and size they're incompatible with the old ones and are three times as heavy. How does the workshop expect them to be used?

16.09. Alex came full of ideas. He suggests we make all the windows with different sizes. Says the client will like it. We told him not to fuck around.

2.10. Petrov reached the 5th floor. He's very proud. We pointed out that the walls are leaning at 40 degrees. He cursed, said we're all idiots and know nothing. Then promised to think about it.

3.10. The client came. Asked why the wall is leaning at 40 degrees. We explained about the Coriolis force. He listened to us and said that he isn't knowledgeable in building, but next to his house there is a block just like this one and all the walls are straight up. (cont)

(cont) Then that idiot Alex went right to him and told him about the size-changing windows. The client liked them, of course. Fuck.

4.10. We asked Alex if we'll need to tear everything down to fit his windows. He assured us that there is no need - there is an undocumented function in the standard panels.

5.10. Petrov admitted there is a problem with the wall. Said he had placed a brick wrong. But to find out which one it is, he'll have to check all of them. It would be easier to start over.

6.10. We're trying convince Petrov that there's no time to building everything anew. We ran the numbers for him on a calculator. Petrov cursed, said the calculator is made by idiots. Then agreed to build everything with panels and went to drink.

8.10. We tore down the brick half. We damaged part of the panels. The entire building creaks and sways worryingly. We strengthened it with wooden struts and went to play Quake.

17.10. Petrov came back from drinking. We work.

7.11. We celebrate 7th o' November (whatever it's called now). There are no communists in the company, so nobody is interfering with our celebrations.

t/l note: 7th November was a celebration of the October revolution in Russia during socialism.

15.11. We remembered that the crane can only reach up to the 8th floor. We sent Siderov for a new crane. We play Quake. Alex beat Petrov. The winds are changing.

24.11. Siderov came back. He hadn't found a crane, but brought an excavator. He suggests we dig a deep shaft and build the building down, instead of up. He says nowhere in the contract it says the building has to be above ground.

25.11. We made a brain storm for the crane. On the last bottle we found a solution. We are putting aside the main building. We will build a 4-floor building. Then we'll put the crane on top of it.

t/l note: "we made a brain storm" is preserved from the original

25.12. We celebrate Christmas. There are no Catholics in the company, so nobody is interfering with our celebrations.

14.01. I remember nothing. Head hurts. What year is it.

2.02. We are finally done with the 12th floor. Tomorrow we'll put up the roof that Alex made.

3.02. Alex is an idiot. The roof falls regularly. For now we're supporting it with the crane. We'll figure out what to do later.

4.02. Alex said he's innocent. It's just that Siderov's 12th floor is 5 meters wider and 4 meters taller than Petrov's. Turns out they built with different panels. But Alex is still an idiot, because his roof doesn't fit any of the two. The elevator shaft as well.

5.02. We glued, we fastened the roof somehow. Petrov said it will hold unless it starts snowing.

7.02. It started snowing...

10.02. We made a new roof of plywood and corrugated iron and painted it over. Let's hope the client doesn't notice.

11.02 We tested the elevator. It stops between the floors, but you can exit the cabin. On even floors by crawling, on odd ones - by jumping. I must not forget to explain this in the documentation.

12.02. On the whole, the elevator is very slow. Petrov cursed all idiots. Said he'll optimise it.

13.02. Petrov optimised the elevator. It accelerated, punched through the roof and flew away in an unknown direction. At least the roof is just plywood. The shaft fell as well. We remembered we never replaced the wooden struts with something stronger. Ah well. Walking is healthy.

15.02. We're doing the finishing work. Our painters keep disappearing somewhere. We called to have more sent in.

17.02. Turned out that due to an error by Siderov, the doors of apartments on 2nd through 6th floor can only be opened from the outside. So all those floors are filled with trapped painters. Siderov promised to fix this. For now we're feeding them through the air vents.

20.02. Alex finally finished the changing windows. We tested. Turned out that when the size is changed, the glass breaks. There are other side effects. For example, from the living room of one apartment you can enter the bathroom of another. (cont)

(cont) Additionally, doors keep disappearing and the balconies keep falling. Complaining to the construction workshop is useless - they will say they don't support undocumented functions.

21.02. The client came. He asked if we can make a small adjustment to the project. In fact, instead of a 12 story building, can we make a few tens of wooden sheds and connect them with underground tunnels. He had read that it's modern in The West. (cont)

(cont) We neutralised Alex before he could open his mouth and politely, but firmly explained to the client that he's not right.

22.02. Balconies keep falling down, even though we're not touching the windows. Seems to be an unrelated bug. It's too late to search for it, so we removed all of them. We'll try to explain to the client that this is an optimisation.

23.02. We celebrate 23rd o' February. There are no military in the company, so nobody is interfering with our celebrations. There are no women either, so nobody is exchanging gifts. It's insulting.

t/l note: 23rd February is "The day of the Red Army" celebration during socialism

25.02. Alex tried to fix the changing windows. In result half of them shrunk to null size and don't want to come back. We told him not to fuck around any more, because he'll make it worse.

27.02. We remembered we had forgotten to make the entrance. We expect the building might fall down if we start cutting one open now. Siderov says it's better not to risk it. Petrov called him an idiot and agreed. I must document that entering via the window is a design limitation

1.03. How the fuck is it first of March!? Whence!? Yesterday was .... Fuck it! Who knew that this scuffed February is only 28 days. Turns out we must be done in two days and not in a week.

2.03. Working. 24-hour shift, no sleep.

3.03. We convinced the client that we need another day for finishing up. Yeah, we worked quite well yesterday... In the end it's not so bad. So what if some doors are on the floor, others on the ceiling or take you from the 10th floor directly outside (cont)

(cont), some apartments can't be reached, in others the toilet is in the kitchen, half don't have running water, the others - electricity, sewage is dumped on the 6th floor and some stairs are made of rope? The most important is that we take the client via the right route (cont)

(cont) And we must hang pictures of the outside where the windows disappeared...

4.03. YES! YES! We did it! The client accepted the project! I am drinking only a bit, I have to disappear before everything goes to h--l...

t/l note: hell is censored in the original as well

Full thread rolled up: threadreaderapp.com/thread/1027614…