Long thread! A few thoughts on adolescent girls who have desisted from identifying as boys...
Something I’ve heard all of these girls talk about is that during the time they believed they were transgender, there was a lot of... pretending? ‘Striving’ might be a better word. 1/
Something I’ve heard all of these girls talk about is that during the time they believed they were transgender, there was a lot of... pretending? ‘Striving’ might be a better word. 1/
These girls went to a lot of effort to present in stereotypically ‘male’ ways: beyond clothes and hair, this was a focus on ‘correcting’ facial expressions, gestures, posture, gait, speech patterns and pitch of voice... as well as interests, passtimes etc. 2/
This effort was very conscious, and the aim was to make sure no-one could doubt that they were trans boys. I’ve heard many girls say that they couldn’t risk being disbelieved, or discredited. 3/
No-one can say ‘it’s just a phase’ if you can prove to them that you’re really a boy- and you can maybe prove it by working hard enough, by showing your commitment to maleness. 4/
Girls have told me they felt had to edit themselves, to lie about their feelings, their crushes, the things they liked or didn’t like -just to maintain the act. Lots of reports of trying to ignore their own confusion and doubts around trans ideology. 5/
This leads me on to thinking about working with, and indeed living with, adolescent girls who ID as boys. They can be in such a precarious place - there can be so much work going into convincing themselves, and others, that this is the right path for them... 6/
...& they're constantly in fear of being criticised or doubted, both internally and externally. This means, for many of these kids, the adults in their lives need to step slowly & carefully when trying to encourage the young person to explore feelings & beliefs around gender. 7/
Less is more. Challenges and questions need to be gentle, certainly at first. The more robust the challenge, the stronger the defensive reaction can be- passionate, angry, distraught responses, and denials that there’s any room for doubt. 8/
We need to help these kids ~think~. Many girls have told me they were working very hard not to think, while they were trans - not wanting to ponder over the internal incongruities, conflicts, worries and confusion. Too risky, they need to ~believe~. 9/
If they’re having this fight within themselves, and often winning, then concerned and/or sceptical adults will be relatively easy to dismiss. What we need to do is to listen to, and to ask questions about, the experiences these kids are going through. 10/
Reflect with them about how they feel now, how they used to feel, how they hope they’ll feel in the future. Be calm and patient. If you spot inconsistencies, be mildly curious about them. Try to allow a free, directionless kind of thinking to happen between you... 11/
...which is often much easier said than done! But something to aim for. Trying to enable and encourage thinking in someone who feels it might be risky for them can be a bit like befriending a wary cat... 12/
...patience, restraint, and not too much energy or intent will often work better than rushing forward. Anxiety & conflict - either within ourselves or from/with those around us - can close down thinking... 13/
...& it seems that for many girls I know who’ve desisted, thinking about themselves in a curious way was the last thing they wanted to allow themselves to do. 14/
But if we feel that we have to shut down our ability to think in order to survive, we’re really not in a healthy place. 15/15
