Thread by @fenritt

A thread on worry:
Many of the parents I work with have much to be worried about w/ regard to their adolescent kids, especially parents of kids who identify as trans. Knowing your child is eager for a medical transition that you suspect they may well regret can be terrifying. 1/

This worry is reasonable + understandable. However! There’s a problem, & somehow parents need to try & solve it. Here’s the problem: for kids to feel okay about themselves, for them to feel that they’re fine as they are, they need parents NOT to be too worried about them. 2/

Kids look to their parents to find out if things are okay, like looking in a mirror to see what’s shown to you. If what the kid sees reflected back, when they look at their parent, is a sense that the kid is okay, that things are going to be fine, then the kid is reassured. 3/

Just like a toddler who falls down and waits to check their parent’s expressions before deciding whether or not to cry, adolescents check with parents (in more subtle ways) whether or not they’re okay as they are. 4/

The more the kid can feel that their parent knows ‘this kid is all right’, that things are going to be fine ~that this kid is definitely good enough as they are~ the less the kid will feel the need to react to that worry & take action, &/or alter something about themselves. 5/

So what do parents do with their very natural worries? There’s no one simple answer, but here’s some ideas: Get some therapy for yourself, and/or as a couple. Speak to each other, & to sympathetic friends. Find other things to think about and do, individually and as a family. 6/

Remind yourself that many difficulties in adolescence are phases, that will be dropped & left behind. Remember your own adolescence, & what you grew out of in your teenage years. Meditate!? Whatever works best for you. It’s not easy, but it’s really worth trying. Good luck! 7/7