I don't want to have to write about the Budget, it's boring.
Someone make the Budget go away.
Budget, there's a Budget. Hammond is up. Contain your excitement.
Hammond is delivering one of the most patronising attempts at describing 'real people' for some time.
The real people get up in the morning and go to bed at night. They are hard-working people. God help us all from this tiresome bollocks.
This Budget is for the real people and not for the imaginary people.
Cliche metre up to fucking 12 right now. It's a new chapter. In our journey. Someone help me.
Austerity is finally coming to an End, says Phil. He can "report" that to the British people.
Note, for your records: Austerity is not coming to an end.
Labour is "talking Britain down". The lowest of all rhetorical devices - accusing the opposition of lack of patriotism for being an opposition.
"An economy not for the few, not even for the many, an economy working for everyone." Yes it's all this good.
Hammond says a deal would release a double-divided. A boost from an end to uncertainty, and another from what he's holding back in case of no-deal.
Probably true. There would be no end to uncertainty, but it would be deferred for a few years. So there'd probably be some investment released. Same from his budget.
Hammond in 'punishment Budget' territory. Basically telling Tory MPs: Back a deal and I'll release cash. Don't, and we'll have "another Budget".
He's chucking another £500m into no-deal prep.
Hammond announcement of OBR forecasts remains fucking disastrous. Slightly up on Spring Statement, but still below 1.7% every year for the next five years. Sluggish growth forever.
Losing the will to live. Hasn't even been ten minutes yet.
The 'deal dividend 'will allow further funding for the spending review which ends austerity. Fucking hell that's bananas.
According to the words Hammond said just a minute ago that dividend comes from money he and investors have held back because of Brexit uncertainty.
Amazing. We will try to negate one of our disastrous government policies by negating another of our government policies.'
Super bored now.
Maybe if he did it in the form of dance.
Oh good now he's talking about potholes.
Hammond going to try and stimulate investment. Increases annual investment allowance to £1m, targeted relief for acquiring IP rich businesses. Export help through increase in direct lending and e-passport gates for US, Canada, NZ - the Anglosphere basically.
All small fry stuff, but clearly tailored to the Global Britain lot.
Look I'm just going to put this out there and come to your own conclusions. He can barely go a minute without attacking Labour in the most obvious electiony terms.
UK digital services tax on UK generated revenues of digital business models, tailored to make sure it hits giants, not start ups. £500m global revenue benchmark.
That's quite interesting.
First interesting thing he's said all day.
Business rates cut of 1/3rd for 90% of all independent shops, pubs etc - good policy too.
He's still talking. There were some toilet gags you don't need to know about.
Don't watch this. Whatever you're doing, don't switch on the TV. It is very dreadful.
Notable how small all the figures are. This is a standstill Budget, with the odd bit of face-saving tinkering, while we prep for whatever the fuck is going to happen to us in March.
Sweet Lord I think he's wrapping up.
Slipped into a political coma there.
"Austerity is coming to an end but discipline will remain." Meaningless godawful drivel.
It's over, praise god.
