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Legs @L3GSV
, 143 tweets, 9 min read Read on Twitter
Twitter, find me a boyfriend, immediately.
1. I cook perfect dauphinoise.
2. I have a jar of haribo, always full.
3. I can park.
4. My cat is called Dave, I named him Dave before having a cat called Dave was a thing.
5. I drink scotch.
6. I can alter my appearance, e.g. the number of chins I have, on demand, like a chameleon.
7. A Greek barman once told me I have "come to bed eyes" on a school trip when I was 17.
8. I can say Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
9. I know many of the words to most of The Beatles songs.
10. I appreciate vol-au-vents.
11. I would never make my own puff pastry. I have good common sense.
12. I can mow my own lawn.
13. I've never experimented with eyebrow shapes.
14. I can make pork crackle.
15. I know the soprano part to most Christmas carols.
16. I can comb my own hair.
17. I cn rite gud.
18. I can count beyond 17. In English AND French AND German.
19. I am good at writing rhymes about the contents of pies I'm baking on the top of said pies.
20. When I was 8, I could do cartwheels, and I can still remember being able to do them.
21. No matter how many people tell me I should enter 'come dine with me', or 'bake off', I will never enter either.
22. I stopped watching the Xfactor years ago.
23. I've never been able to touch my toes.
24. If you don't like my name, I've got others.
25. I've never dyed my hair.
26. I know the words to 'amour ha pouvoir sur le dieux", and I bet you don't.
27. My tutor suggested I'd plagiarised part of an essay at university, but I hadn't. My sister wrote it.
28. I forgive dogs when they steal my sausages. Eventually. Sometimes.
29. Despite not being from Yorkshire, I speak fluent Leeds.
30. I can make Pacman out of cake. And characters from 'trapdoor'. And disco squirrels. And Elmo. And puppies. And cookie monster. And zippy.
31. I've never watched 'made in Chelsea' and I don't even know if they still make it.
32. I read books. Real books.
33. I'm still tweeting reasons to myself. I'm indefatigable. I know the word indefatigable. A habit that could never possibly be annoying.
34. I have total faith that one day, I'll be the inspiration for a plotline in doctors, involving my cat.
35. I eat crispy chicken skin. I bask in the eating of crispy chicken skin.
36. I know how to do a wacca-wave.
37. I once screamed so much, they stopped the waltzer to take me off. I also lost my grip on my doughnut.
38. I was chief librarian at primary school. I had a badge. It said "chief librarian".
39. My roast potatoes are crispy on the outside, but creamy and fluffy in the middle.
40. I ALWAYS have a bottle of red wine in my house.
41. My collection of condiments is vast and varied.
42. I once punched a mini cheesecake for a dare.
43. I never overwhip cream.
44. I fail to understand how people manage to burn rice.
45. I don't care who Ronnie Pickering is.
46. I rarely wash up straight after eating. I drink.
47. I'm pretty sure I haven't even got an indication of jowls.
48. My voice is 'apparently' like many recorded answering services, e.g. welcome to bt1571.
49. I'm not a bloody cougar. Ignore any actors who tell you I am. They're acting, it's their job.
50. If someone doesn't go out with me soon, I'll break Twitter with my stupid reasons to date me.
51. I have 2 lanyards.
52. I'm so short sighted, I wouldn't have a clue how bad anyone looks in the morning.
53. I'll eat pizza in any situation. There's no inappropriate place or time to eat pizza.
54. So far I've found 53 good reasons to go out with me, and I suspect I'll find 53 more. I'm resourceful.
55. I've lost a stone, so I'm less likely to be confused with a sausage role, and more closely resemble a short cheese straw these days.
56. I've never been to zumba.
57. I'm very considerate about the feelings of others, particularly gremlins.
58. As my large family has grown, we've pretty much become a wedding planning firm, so MY wedding would be amazing.
59. I always forget to close my curtains when I get dressed, making the 'York sightseeing tour' bus much more exciting for their customers.
60. I'm always prepared to pay to go into an airport lounge. Particularly the ones which serve fizz, and full fat yoghurt.
61. I tend to start work early, which means I can finish work early and overeat/drink.
62. I've watched, and appreciate, most episodes of Diagnosis Murder, Quincy and Petrocelli. I know the theme tunes. I don't like Ironside.
63. I'm much funnier than you lot give me credit for. MUCH FUNNIER.
64. I have a recipe for gingerbread that's delicious both chewy and crunchy.
65. If I eat a chilli that's burning my tongue out, I'm very unlikely to show weakness.
66. I'm still going.
67. I have all my own toes.
68. I have an unusual ability to remember advert jingles and TV theme tunes from the mid 80s onwards.
69. I have 4 different flavours of fruit curd in my cupboards.
70. A huge spider is running across my carpet and I'm totally ignoring it.
71. I don't steal anyone elses chips, because I get my own chips. And you're not having any.
72. My dressing gown isn't just old, it's vintage.
73. My Christmas tree was so famous, I've been interviewed by the papers, the radio, and for a book.
74. My job title was once "discipline manager".
75. I buy Cotes du Rhone from multiple places. I'm not afraid to try new things.
76. I don't overcook fish pie.
77. I once did VLOOKUP in excel.
78. I always have a ready supply of French mayonnaise. From France.
79. Balls to pivot tables.
80. Paella.
81. I know what Haslet is and I know how to cook it.
82. I have built flat pack furniture and it still stands.
83. At secondary school I was a prefect. I had a badge, it said 'prefect'. They film question time in the hall I received said badge in.
84. When I swear, I do it properly. I ANNUNCIATE.
85. I can turn conversations and/or taunts round to fit to the tune of Copacabana.
86. Robert Webb came from Horncastle, which is where I bought my cutlery and a number of plates. I'm interesting.
87. I make my gravy from the juices in the pan.
88. I know how to open the bonnet of my car.
89. When I lose followers for talking about myself for 24 hours, I rarely cry.
90. I'm going to stop doing this soon. It'll be like the feeling you have when a noise stops and you suddenly realise how loud it was.
91. Joy is my middle name.
92. When I get more cats, I'm going to call them Chairman Meow and Fidel Catro.
93. I can blow smoke rings with cigar smoke.
94. I own a beret.
95. I've only ever been to 1 'pop' concert.
96. I choose glamorous clothes to fly in.
97. I can put liquid eyeliner on.
98. I know what happened to Quintus after his work dried up with the Cambridge Latin learning books.
99. I've got 99 reasons and being a bitch AIN'T one.
100. I will buy a new oven rather than admit I can't change the clock.
101. I have never had a frappucino.
102. My nickname at work is 'the duchess'
103. I've seen almost every episode of Air Crash Investigation, and can re-enact a number of scenes.
104. Over the last 12 months, I've learnt how not to break a thread on twitter. I've also learnt how to create moments, for broken threads.…
105. This summer I gave a prize out at York races on a stage, in front of 40,000 people. I didn't know what the prize was, who the jockey was, or what the race was. And I was very, very drunk.
106. I'm not ashamed to buy egg cups in multiples of 1.
107. I have an electric blanket and I'm not afraid to use it.
108. I have mastered making a Yorkshire pudding wrap and also eating it.
109. I know where to buy the best black, and white pudding in London.
110. I give all the people of the York sightseeing bus a thrill, every time I change my clothes, by not closing my bedroom curtains.
111. Some of my reasons are so good, I've said them twice. And I wrote this reason with my bum out for the sightseeing bus.
112. In my youth, I was a Chuckie egg black belt.
113. I once did the crab, and walked. Like a crab.
114. When I get angry, I swear. A lot. Really really well. See previous tweet relating to annunciation.
115. I know what I want in a man.
116. My car is automatic, so I can never be annoying by driving in the wrong gear.
117. I own many decanters.
118. I can say my name in French.
119. In my teens, my sister's friends nicknamed me "the judge", because my stare of death when they were being wankers, reminded them of Judge Dredd.
120. Apparently my worst quality is that I'm too kind. So I can't be that bloody bad, can I?
121. I'm ironically named. See earlier tweet: Joy... Is my middle name.
122. I don't care if my hair gets wet in the rain.
123. I will never trust myhermes. I'm no fool.
124. I have an unlimited supply of chin related puns.
125. I can make a perfect arctic roll.
126. I can watch endless horror films and still sleep. Alone. In a house alone.
127. I'm naked.
128. I have access to a miniature dachshund puppy, and I'm not afraid to use him to pull.
129. I wear lots of petticoats to make my waist look smaller.
130. My dating profile is a mini series.
131. I sometimes iron my sheets.
132. The threads I've woven through this thread, create a very complicated wiring loom of threads, powerful enough to power a crop sprayer.
133. There is no such thing as cooking wine. This is a fact, and a fact I know to be true.
134. I have some friends. And some of my friends even like me.
135. I'm naked again.
136. In the summer, I get freckles. Freckles on my nose.
137. I love vol-au-vents.
138. Some of the baggage I carry from past relationships is delicious. Like the recipe for pasta al forno I use, acquired from an Italian ex boyfriend.
139. I really like stinky cheese. The kind of cheese that needs a spoon. Blue cheese. But not maggoty cheese. I know where the line is.
140. I love watching air crash investigation. I particularly enjoy the incredible acting within the dramatic reconstructions. I know a lot about pitot tubes and rudders.
141. I have seen a farmer on a bike. More than once. In fact, I once went to centre parcs with a farmer. He took his own bike.
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