Profile picture
Jeremy Newberger
@jeremynewberger
, 4 tweets, 1 min read Read on Twitter
GOD: Sarah.
SARAH: Mr. Trump is that you?
GOD: No Sarah. It's Trump's boss.
SARAH: Mr. Putin?
GOD: These Huckabees, not my best work. It's God Sarah!
SARAH: God!
GOD: Do me a favor.
SARAH: Yes my Lord?
GOD: Stop fucking lying.
SARAH: But.
GOD: Im just sick of it. Enough already.
SARAH: But you wanted Donald Trump to be president.
GOD: Nah. I was a Bernie Bro.
SARAH: But you called upon us to choose him.
GOD: Those were ROBO calls.
SARAH: How were we to know?
GOD: Because he behaved like literally every villain in my Bible. That was a pretty big clue.
SARAH: But gays?
GOD: Great parents. Never kill dogs.
SARAH: Abortions?
GOD: You think Trump bagged his tiny mushroom whenspilling seed on half of Mar-A-Lago's trophy brides?
SARAH: Religious liberties?
GOD: Your dad is a bass playing minister with a TV show. Oppressed are we?
SARAH: This troubles my heart.
GOD: Not as much as all the butter you put in your pies.
SARAH: So what do I do now?
GOD: Stop lying. Nobody believes Trump any more. You look like a dick.
SARAH: But I work for him.
GOD: Get a Fox show.
SARAH: You think I'm good on TV?
GOD: Radio.
Missing some Tweet in this thread?
You can try to force a refresh.

Like this thread? Get email updates or save it to PDF!

Subscribe to Jeremy Newberger
Profile picture

Get real-time email alerts when new unrolls are available from this author!

This content may be removed anytime!

Twitter may remove this content at anytime, convert it as a PDF, save and print for later use!

Try unrolling a thread yourself!

how to unroll video

1) Follow Thread Reader App on Twitter so you can easily mention us!

2) Go to a Twitter thread (series of Tweets by the same owner) and mention us with a keyword "unroll" @threadreaderapp unroll

You can practice here first or read more on our help page!

More from @jeremynewberger see all

Profile picture
Jeremy Newberger
@jeremynewberger
Here is how we're gonna do this.

1. Trump needs to resign.
2. Pence too.
3. Pelosi becomes President.
4. Government to be opened ASAP.
5. Trump's trial to be on Sundays on HBO after Game of Thrones.
6. Fox News to become music television channel.
7. Don Jr. + Ivanka arrested.
8. Jared Kushner sent to live on a kibbutz in Saudi Arabia.
9. Kirstjen Nielsen tried at The Hague.
10. CPAC canceled.
11. Brett Kavanaugh swapped out for Merrick Garland.
12. Sarah Sanders fired and never hired anywhere.
13. Stephen Miller given a daily wedgie.
15. Lou Dobbs denied food at restaurants.
16. Scaramucci forgotten
17. Kellyanne Conway divorced.
18. White Supremacists forced back underground.
19. Mar-a-Lago shuttered
20. Giuliani institutionalized
Read 4 tweets
Profile picture
Jeremy Newberger
@jeremynewberger
JERRY FALWELL JR: And Jesus did say, blessed are the pool boys, for are we not most humble and pure when frolicking along the shores of the Galilee.
JERRY FALWELL JR.: And the lord did take the pool boy in under his robes and show him the way to righteousness. And so did the Lord's wife, for the private jet trips were long, and the nights cold. And we all say Amen.
JERRY FALWELLL JR.: And with thy giant staff the pool boy did turneth a wilderness into a pool of water and we gathered together in the waters of this pool and made the earth wet. Very wet. Hallelujah.
Read 4 tweets
Profile picture
Jeremy Newberger
@jeremynewberger
ANONYMOUS OP-ED WRITER: Today I had to draw an extra ocean on a map between the US and Canada to stave off a land invasion. It’s all under control.
ANONYMOUS OP-ED WRITER: Just stole the orders for a seal team 6 black ops kidnapping of A.G. Sulzberger off the President’s desk.
ANONYMOUS OP-ED WRITER: No cause for alarm, Karen Pence will not be waterboarded today. She is banned from the Vermeil Room for the time being. Aren't you glad I am on the inside?
Read 11 tweets

Related threads

Profile picture
NotMyPresident
@ironstowe
THREAD

#Trump #TheWall #TrumpFraud
1.The Majority of the presumptive contractors for the #TheWall are companies with questionable records at best.

#Trump #TheWall #TrumpFraud
2. One of the contractors was deemed by the Army Corps of Engineers too risky to do future business with, according to public records, a whistleblower lawsuit and FOIA filed by the Project on Government Oversight

#Trump #TheWall #TrumpFraud
Read 31 tweets
Profile picture
Alamo_on_the_rise
@AlamoOnTheRise
Trump: Day 657
-Installs Loyalist 2 Oversee Probe
-Meeting w/ Putin on #VeteransDay
-W.H. Posts Doctored Acosta Video
-12 Killed in 307th Mass Shooting
-Denied by Courts From Ending DACA
-NoKo Cancels Meeting with Pompeo
-#ProtectMueller Rallies Nationwide
Add...
Day 762 since Donald Trump admitted to sexual assault — yet he’s still in the Oval Office
Add...
Day 613 of NO EVIDENCE produced by Trump that his phones were tapped by Obama.

The FISA warrant Trump referenced targeted Carter Page. #TrumpLies
Read 71 tweets
Profile picture
snarke
@snarke
So #Trump is holding a news conference in about five minutes. I’ll be watching (and probably tweeting). Follow/mute at will!
Okay, #Trump has started speaking. He's already slurring. He's already made a joke about "a lot of......MEDIA.".

This does not bode well.
#Trump is now saying that China wants to "see me lose an election because they've never been challenged before."

It's not just China, pal.
Read 63 tweets
Profile picture
Kyle Orton
@KyleWOrton
#Putin's opening to this press conference suggests the takeover of southern #Syria by Asad/Iran is a model of U.S.-Russia cooperation that should be expanded, and flatters Trump that his summit with Kim [which Putin very much liked the look of] resolved the Korean Peninsula.
On #Ukraine, Putin hints broadly that the U.S. agrees with him that Kyiv's intransigence prevented Minsk's implementation, and then carefully lets it be known Trump brought up the election meddling, an assist to Trump politically, before of course dismissing it.
Trump frames engagement around U.S.-Russian co-operation in WW2, notes that unfortunate Cold War business, then says: "Our relationship has never been worse ... that changed as of about four hours ago." Says he is being politically brave to do what's right. Lambastes media + Dems
Read 17 tweets
Profile picture
Paula Chertok🗽
@PaulaChertok
#Putin starts with rare words in English to "Donald": Ok, Shall we start? Then says a new era of cooperation is at hand. "There's no reason US-Russia relations should be complicated. On 'so-called' interference, the Russian state has never interfered in US election & never will"
Trump just slammed "obstructive" Democrats and the press in prepared remarks at press conference with Putin at #HelsinkiSummit
Q: This morning you blamed the US. Do you blame Russia for anything?
Trump: Yes, I blame both countries. Mueller probe is ridiculous. There was no collusion. There was nobody to collude w.

So Trump uses false equivalence to let Russia off the hook for attacking his own country😡
Read 16 tweets
Profile picture
Zach Everson
@Z_Everson
Trump Hotels' website still lists Trump SoHo New York among its properties in the Our Hotels menu. Select its name though to access its page and there's a message about it being renamed

bit.ly/2EPCSy1
National politics correspondent for Newsweek, Nina Burleigh, with a fun find on a TV above the bar at the Trump Hotel DC bit.ly/2E37QRR
Two errors in the 2nd graf of Breitbart's Trump Hotel DC article:
-holdings aren't out of @realDonaldTrump's hands: trust isn't blind & he can profit from it
-Trump Org told Congress it was estimating foreign receipts—not auto donating in full
bit.ly/2CpL7z2
Read 1562 tweets

Trending hashtags

#Bible #sanctions #MAGA #Ukraine #Mueller #Phoenix #Trump #アイマスMR #DeepStateCabal #Putin #Pray4DJT #Uranium1 #Khashoggi #Mobile #Jared #UAE #XE #Kremlin #Afghanistan #Russia #OpDetheaters #Israel #trump #TrumpLies #DivideAndRule
Follow Us on Twitter!

Did Thread Reader help you today?

Support us! We are indie developers!

This site is made by just three indie developers on a laptop doing marketing, support and development! Read more about the story.

Become a Premium Member ($3.00/month or $30.00/year) and get exclusive features!

Become Premium

Too expensive? Make a small donation by buying us coffee ($5) or help with server cost ($10)

Donate via Paypal Become our Patreon

Thank you for your support!