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Okay, y’all: The SOTU is scheduled to start in about 15 minutes. Tags are #SOTU2019 and #Trump for your following/blocking/muting needs!

(Honestly I don’t know how much I’ll be tweeting, I think mostly I’ll just be sitting here swearing.)
Oh dear. Mike Pence is going to have to sit next to a woman who is not his wife. Will he be able to last the whole speech? Anybody got the over-under on how long it'll take him to lean so far away from her that he falls out of his chair?

#SOTU2019 #Trump
Also, if y'all want to skip my SOTU tweets, go ahead and add #SOTU to your tag list for following/muting needs, please! :)
I am legit scared of what might happen in tonight's #SOTU. #Trump is trying to distract from SO MANY THINGS right now. He's ripe for pulling some kind of disgusting stunt. #SOTU2019
Remember when Obama would do the #SOTU and Congress would be falling all over itself trying to shake his hand/get a greeting? Not the case for #Trump this year. Sure some people have lined up to clap, but it's all old white dudes. Nobody else seems interested. Good.

Speaker Pelosi is doing that "I'm making it look like I'm clapping for this assface but really I'm just barely touching my hands together" clap thing and it's GLORIOUS.

Less than 50 words in and we've already hit lie #1. This bodes well.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Mike Pence is already leaning almost all the way out of his chair to get away from Speaker Pelosi.

#Trump: Victory is not winning for our party. Victory is winning for our country.

So you're resigning, then? Awesome.

Y'ALL. Speaker Pelosi is literally leaning back in her chair and reading the speech while #Trump speaks. It's AMAZING.

#Trump: In the last two years, we've launched an economic BOOM. A BOOM like has never been seen before.

You just wanted to say "boom boom" in your speech didn't you, lying mc stupidface.

Sniffles D'Slurpymouth is back. This can't be good for the people who are counting on him to stick to the teleprompter.

#Trump #SOTU #SOTU2019
#Trump: After 24 months, our economy is the envy of the world.

More of a cautionary tale, really, but y'know, potato potrumpo.

Oh god. A USA! USA! chant. BRB, I gotta go hurl.

#SOTU #SOTU2019 #Trump
#Trump the USA is doing great and the only thing that can stop it are endless wars, politics, and endless investigations.

*GOP goes nuts cheering*

Are. You. F*cking. Kidding.

Dude is ramping up to start yelling at Democrats and everybody knows it. This is going to be horrendous.

#SOTU #SOTU2019 #Trump
Oh god. #Trump is now literally using black people as props to brag about himself and make people clap for him.

There aren't words for how disgusting this is.

Oh here we go. Now he's going to talk about the wall.

#Trump #SOTU #SOTU2019
And, right on schedule, MASSIVE lies about caravans. Calls them "tremendous onslaught."


#Trump #SOTU #SOTU2019
Holy hell, y'all. This is some serious BS.

#Trump #SOTU #SOTU2019
#Trump: and [blah blah number] killings, or, Murders.

If you're trying to show off your extensive vocabulary, "murders" is probably not the way to do it.

#Trump: I will never abolish our heroes from ICE.

You don't actually know what "abolish" means, do you.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand there's the promise to build the "proper" wall. Ted Cruzverine leaps to his feet to cheer. Speaker Pelosi is trying not to laugh.

#SOTU #SOTU2019 #Trump
Oh hey, now he's waxing lie-tastic about walls.

This speech is never gonna end.

#SOTU #SOTU2019 #Trump
#Trump: Simply put, walls work and walls save lives!

Simply put, you're a dumbass.

#Trump is trying to take credit for having more women serving in Congress than ever before.

I wonder if he knows they're there to kick his ass.

#Trump: I don't blame China for taking advantage of us. I blame our leaders and representatives for allowing this to happen.

Pence: nods, smiles, tries to make out with Trump using only his eyes.

Me: *facepalm*

#Trump: I know Congress is anxious to pass an INFRASTRUCTURE bill...

Infrastructure Week is the Groundhog Day of this administration.

Mitch McConnell looks like he's about to cry.


#SOTU #SOTU2019 #Trump
#Trump: I know this is a fight all Americans can get behind. The fight against Childhood Cancer [points out a TEN YEAR OLD cancer survivor sitting with Melania].

Shameless applause hungry jackass is shameless. He's even using KIDS to get his fix now.

And, right after using cancer kids to make people clap for him, #Trump is now insisting on "school choice". So. Gross.

This needs to be done now. And I don't just mean the speech.

After calling for legislation to end late term abortions "for babies who can feel pain in the mothers womb", #Trump says "all children born & unborn are made in the holiest image of God."

I was joking before, but seriously now? I feel a horror barf coming on.

#Trump: If I had not been elected POTUS, we would right now, in my opinion, be in a major war with North Korea.




JFC. Third "USA" chant.

#Trump #SOTU #SOTU2019
#Trump: We now resolve that the United States will NEVER be a socialist country.

And the *FOURTH* "USA" chant. From the people whose salaries are paid with tax dollars.

Okay, we're up to the lie about defeating ISIS. That means we're almost done, right? Please?

#Trump #SOTU #SOTU2019
On Iran, #Trump says: "It truly is a radical regime. It's a bad bad regime."

Oh no. He's starting to ad lib.

They're all singing Happy Birthday to one of the survivors of the Pittsburgh Synagogue. #Trump says "They wouldn't do that for me."

You bet your ass we won't.

#Trump is relishing his descriptions of Holocaust atrocities way too much.

Okay, now #Trump is talking about D-Day. Why is he talking about D-Day?

Why is he still talking at all?!

#Trump: Our biggest victories are still to come. We have not yet begun to dream.

I have a dream. A dream that includes you being perp-walked out of the White House live on TV.

We've reached the "written by Stephen Miller" part of the speech. That means #Trump is almost done speaking, right? Please?


#Trump #SOTU #SOTU2019
Cue a bunch of pundits praising #Trump for his "magnificent pivot".

(Lookin' at you, Cilizza)

Anyway, the #SOTU is done! Thanks for reading my #Trump tweets, everybody! I appreciate it!
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