Thread by @snarke

Okay, y’all: The SOTU is scheduled to start in about 15 minutes. Tags are #SOTU2019 and #Trump for your following/blocking/muting needs!

(Honestly I don’t know how much I’ll be tweeting, I think mostly I’ll just be sitting here swearing.)

Oh dear. Mike Pence is going to have to sit next to a woman who is not his wife. Will he be able to last the whole speech? Anybody got the over-under on how long it'll take him to lean so far away from her that he falls out of his chair?

#SOTU2019 #Trump

Also, if y'all want to skip my SOTU tweets, go ahead and add #SOTU to your tag list for following/muting needs, please! :)

I am legit scared of what might happen in tonight's #SOTU. #Trump is trying to distract from SO MANY THINGS right now. He's ripe for pulling some kind of disgusting stunt. #SOTU2019

Remember when Obama would do the #SOTU and Congress would be falling all over itself trying to shake his hand/get a greeting? Not the case for #Trump this year. Sure some people have lined up to clap, but it's all old white dudes. Nobody else seems interested. Good.

#SOTU2019

Speaker Pelosi is doing that "I'm making it look like I'm clapping for this assface but really I'm just barely touching my hands together" clap thing and it's GLORIOUS.

#SOTU #SOTU2019 #TRUMP

Less than 50 words in and we've already hit lie #1. This bodes well.

#SOTU #SOTU2019 #TRUMP

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Mike Pence is already leaning almost all the way out of his chair to get away from Speaker Pelosi.

#SOTU #SOTU2019 #TRUMP

#Trump: Victory is not winning for our party. Victory is winning for our country.

So you're resigning, then? Awesome.

#SOTU #SOTU2019

Y'ALL. Speaker Pelosi is literally leaning back in her chair and reading the speech while #Trump speaks. It's AMAZING.

#SOTU #SOTU2019

#Trump: In the last two years, we've launched an economic BOOM. A BOOM like has never been seen before.

You just wanted to say "boom boom" in your speech didn't you, lying mc stupidface.

#SOTU #SOTU2019

Sniffles D'Slurpymouth is back. This can't be good for the people who are counting on him to stick to the teleprompter.

#Trump #SOTU #SOTU2019

#Trump: After 24 months, our economy is the envy of the world.

More of a cautionary tale, really, but y'know, potato potrumpo.

#SOTU #SOTU2019

Oh god. A USA! USA! chant. BRB, I gotta go hurl.

#SOTU #SOTU2019 #Trump

#Trump the USA is doing great and the only thing that can stop it are endless wars, politics, and endless investigations.

*GOP goes nuts cheering*

Are. You. F*cking. Kidding.

#SOTU #SOTU2019

Dude is ramping up to start yelling at Democrats and everybody knows it. This is going to be horrendous.

#SOTU #SOTU2019 #Trump

Oh god. #Trump is now literally using black people as props to brag about himself and make people clap for him.

There aren't words for how disgusting this is.

#SOTU #SOTU2019

Oh here we go. Now he's going to talk about the wall.

#Trump #SOTU #SOTU2019

And, right on schedule, MASSIVE lies about caravans. Calls them "tremendous onslaught."

SO. GROSS.

#Trump #SOTU #SOTU2019

Holy hell, y'all. This is some serious BS.

#Trump #SOTU #SOTU2019

#Trump: and [blah blah number] killings, or, Murders.

If you're trying to show off your extensive vocabulary, "murders" is probably not the way to do it.

#SOTU #SOTU2019

#Trump: I will never abolish our heroes from ICE.

You don't actually know what "abolish" means, do you.

#SOTU #SOTU2019

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand there's the promise to build the "proper" wall. Ted Cruzverine leaps to his feet to cheer. Speaker Pelosi is trying not to laugh.

#SOTU #SOTU2019 #Trump

Oh hey, now he's waxing lie-tastic about walls.

This speech is never gonna end.

#SOTU #SOTU2019 #Trump

#Trump: Simply put, walls work and walls save lives!

Simply put, you're a dumbass.

#SOTU #SOTU2019

#Trump is trying to take credit for having more women serving in Congress than ever before.

I wonder if he knows they're there to kick his ass.

#SOTU #SOTU2019

#Trump: I don't blame China for taking advantage of us. I blame our leaders and representatives for allowing this to happen.

Pence: nods, smiles, tries to make out with Trump using only his eyes.

Me: *facepalm*

#SOTU #SOTU2019

#Trump: I know Congress is anxious to pass an INFRASTRUCTURE bill...

Infrastructure Week is the Groundhog Day of this administration.

#SOTU #SOTU2019

Mitch McConnell looks like he's about to cry.

Good.

#SOTU #SOTU2019 #Trump

#Trump: I know this is a fight all Americans can get behind. The fight against Childhood Cancer [points out a TEN YEAR OLD cancer survivor sitting with Melania].

Shameless applause hungry jackass is shameless. He's even using KIDS to get his fix now.

#SOTU #SOTU2019

And, right after using cancer kids to make people clap for him, #Trump is now insisting on "school choice". So. Gross.

This needs to be done now. And I don't just mean the speech.

#SOTU #SOTU2019

After calling for legislation to end late term abortions "for babies who can feel pain in the mothers womb", #Trump says "all children born & unborn are made in the holiest image of God."

I was joking before, but seriously now? I feel a horror barf coming on.

#SOTU #SOTU2019

#Trump: If I had not been elected POTUS, we would right now, in my opinion, be in a major war with North Korea.

EW. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Also?

SHUT UP.

#SOTU #SOTU2019

JFC. Third "USA" chant.

#Trump #SOTU #SOTU2019

#Trump: We now resolve that the United States will NEVER be a socialist country.

And the *FOURTH* "USA" chant. From the people whose salaries are paid with tax dollars.

#SOTU #SOTU2019

Okay, we're up to the lie about defeating ISIS. That means we're almost done, right? Please?

#Trump #SOTU #SOTU2019

On Iran, #Trump says: "It truly is a radical regime. It's a bad bad regime."

Oh no. He's starting to ad lib.

#SOTU #SOTU2019

They're all singing Happy Birthday to one of the survivors of the Pittsburgh Synagogue. #Trump says "They wouldn't do that for me."

You bet your ass we won't.

#SOTU #SOTU2019

#Trump is relishing his descriptions of Holocaust atrocities way too much.

#SOTU #SOTU2019

Okay, now #Trump is talking about D-Day. Why is he talking about D-Day?

Why is he still talking at all?!

#SOTU #SOTU2019

#Trump: Our biggest victories are still to come. We have not yet begun to dream.

I have a dream. A dream that includes you being perp-walked out of the White House live on TV.

#SOTU #SOTU2019

We've reached the "written by Stephen Miller" part of the speech. That means #Trump is almost done speaking, right? Please?

#SOTU #SOTU19

I WAS RIGHT! HE'S DONE! OH HAPPY DAY, HE'S FINALLY DONE SPEAKING!

#Trump #SOTU #SOTU2019

Cue a bunch of pundits praising #Trump for his "magnificent pivot".

(Lookin' at you, Cilizza)

#SOTU #SOTU2019

Anyway, the #SOTU is done! Thanks for reading my #Trump tweets, everybody! I appreciate it!