Thread by @garius

<Brussels>

MAY: Plan for today?
LIDINGTON: More nationalistic flailing?
MAY: Ha bloody ha. If I'd wanted sarcasm I'd have brought Phil instead of leaving him in charge

<outside Calais>

STEPHEN: She's going to kill us. Again.
HAMMOND: Oh pipe down Cameron. Leave this to Ferris.

<outside Calais>

STEPHEN: Why won't they let us through?!
HAMMOND: Don't know. Stay with Chris's lorry. I'll find out
GRAYLING: Hello!
STEPHEN: Why did we bring this thing anyway?
HAMMOND: Lidington wouldn't lend us the Volvo and Chris insisted
GRAYLING: My CB tag is Papa Ducky!

<Brussels>

MAY: What if we dropped ALL tariffs?
LIDINGTON: That sounds bad
MAY: Let's at least run it past Phil

<Calais>

STEPHEN: What if she calls the office?!
HAMMOND: I left a backstop

MAY <phone>: Phil!
RECORDING: Hello
MAY: If we...
RECORDING: It's a shit idea

<click>

STEPHEN: She'll notice it's a recording.
HAMMOND: Never has before. I call it 'Robophil'
STEPHEN: How long have you used it?

<April 2017>

MAY: Phil!
ROBOPHIL: Yes Prime Minister
MAY: Should I call an election?
ROBOPHIL: Yes Prime Minister

<now>

HAMMOND: It says 'no' more now.

<Brussels>

LIDINGTON: What did Hammond say?
MAY: He swore and hung up
LIDINGTON: That's No Tariffs off the table. Next?
MAY:
LIDINGTON:
MAY:
LIDINGTON: Don't say drones again.
MAY:
LIDINGTON:
MAY: Dro...
LIDINGTON: Jesus FUCKING wept.
MAY: Don't swear David. It doesn't suit you.

MAY: Tech behind the border could...
LIDINGTON: We've BEEN through this. Doesn't work and you STILL have to deal with smuggling!
MAY: Drones could
LIDINGTON: STOP SAYING DRONES!
MAY: They...
LIDINGTON: They'd what?! Fund public services via video sales to 'Police Camera Action'?!

<Calais>

HAMMOND: OK. So they've told me why they won't let us in. It's Chris
GRAYLING: Hello!
HAMMOND: He's banned from Calais
STEPHEN: The Transport Secretary is banned from Calais? How does that happen?!
HAMMOND: Because it's Chris. So of course it does
GRAYLING: Hello again!

<Calais>

STEPHEN: What are we going to do? Leave Chris behind?
HAMMOND: Can't. He's the one with the HGV licence
STEPHEN: We could leave the lorry?
HAMMOND: Stephen, this may be the last Belgian booze run we can do in a while. I'm NOT leaving it here. Call it my Chimay Red line

<Brussels>

MAY: Threaten to walk away? Call Barnier's bluff?
LIDINGTON: Won't work. The 4 freedoms are more important than a short term economic hit
MAY: Let's run it past Phil

MAY <phone>: Phil!
ROBOPHIL: Hello
MAY: If...
ROBOPHIL: It's a shit idea

<click>

MAY: He hates it

<Calais>

STEPHEN: Robophil won't fool her forever
HAMMOND: Don't worry. After two calls it forwards to my mobile. Focus on ideas we... what are you doing?
STEPHEN: Calling Williamson.
HAMMOND: No! Hang up! Hang...
WILLIAMSON: Hello! Cap'n Gavin here! Pew pew!
HAMMOND: Fucksake.

WILLIAMSON: Commander! Our brave boys have been trapped by the Frogs.
CMDR JONES: Sir?
WILLIAMSON: Need you chaps to Dunkirk them.
CMDR JONES: Sir?
WILLIAMSON:
CMDR JONES:
WILLIAMSON: Hammond, Stephen and Grayling are stuck at Calais with a lorry full of booze.
CMDR JONES: Sir.

WILLIAMSON: Think of it as a rehearsal for B-Day. Go and grab their lorry of supplies, bring it back
CMDR JONES: Sir. Shall I send our ROLO ferry fleet or just HMS Elizabeth with a crane?
WILLIAMSON: Is that sarcasm
CMDR JONES: Sir
WILLIAMSON: Was that 'Yes sir'?
CMDR JONES: Sir

<Calais>

STEPHEN: Gav says the Navy won't help
HAMMOND: Okay what if... <ringing> shit!
MAY <phone>: Phil! What if we... why can I hear lorries?
HAMMOND:
GRAYLING: Hello!
MAY: Why is Chris there?
HAMMOND: Playing Eurotruck Simulator with Ken Clarke. Call you back in a bit. Bye!

<Calais>

HAMMOND: We have to get back to London. We need a plan
GRAYLING: I have a plan!
HAMMOND: We need a plan that will actually work
GRAYLING: I use the CB to find us a driver then you curse me back?
HAMMOND:
STEPHEN:
HAMMOND: Bloody hell
STEPHEN: That's actually a good idea

<Calais>

GRAYLING <over CB>: Breaker Breaker. Papa Ducky stuck on a backstroke at the chicken coop. Need a pinch hit. Quack, my fluffy ducklings!
CB: I can bat. Pos check?
GRAYLING: East side Pickle Park
CB: Inbound
HAMMOND: What the fuck is happening?
STEPHEN: I have no idea

<Calais>

GRAYLING: So this is Maciej. He'll drive the lorry back to London with you
HAMMOND: Honestly, this is good work Chris.
STEPHEN: We'll summon you back when we arrive
GRAYLING: Don't forget!
HAMMOND: We won't. Seriously. Well done.

<lorry drives off>

GRAYLING: I helped!

<8hrs later>

LIDINGTON: Calais is grim. Look at all these people hoping to cross
MAY: We should have flown. That one looks like
GRAYLING: Hello!
MAY: JESUS CHRIST! Chris?!
GRAYLING: Hammond and Stephen forgot me
MAY: That lying snake!

<drives off>

GRAYLING: Don't forget me too

THANKS FOR READING! New to these? the Brexit Adventures start WAY BACK here:

https://twitter.com/garius/status/1062983853260918784

Last week's musical special started here

https://twitter.com/garius/status/1090034734523207681

PLEASE RT THESE! And if you really want, you can buy me a coffee here. It's appreciated! ko-fi.com/garius

(ED NOTE: ROLO should be RORO. Spellcheck thinks I eat too much chocolate, apparently)