Thread by @monicabyrne13

Here’s what the Joe Biden thing reminds me of:

My Dad was a college professor. As I was growing up, many of his friends who came over to the house were fellow faculty.

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One of them was an English poetry professor. He was known for being a womanizer, and though Dad was friends with him, he also resented this guy basically inviting himself over to drink and talk for hours on end, especially during holidays.

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During these visits, this professor would make really inappropriate comments to us, Dad’s four daughters. We ranged in age from mid-twenties to teenage at any given time.

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The one that really stuck in my mind—when I was just starting to develop a social conscience—was when one of us commented that he had a foam mustache from the drink Dad had made him, and he replied, “Why don’t you come lick it off?”

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In front of my Dad. In front of all of us. In our kitchen. Into which he’d invited himself, during our holiday, even though he had his own family.

Dad would just kind of freeze. We often joked it away. I remember leaving the room that time, though.

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Years later, I read a post by @Shakestweetz that hit me like a brick, about how even our supposed male “friends” and “allies” use that status to ignore boundaries:

shakesville.com/2009/08/terrib…

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I sent a link to the professor, along with the following note.

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He responded, “I have learned, yet again, that I can sometimes offend people without trying to, can offend them even while trying to do the opposite, as I obviously offended you.”

I realized that’s the best I’d get from him. I replied “thank you” and dropped it.

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But GUESS WHAT.

He was so angry at the shortness of my response that he WROTE MY DAD ABOUT IT.

This was 2010. I was 29 years old.

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I found out about it because Dad told me. Apparently this guy had said, “This is what your child is doing and I thought you’d want to know because I’d want to know if my children were behaving like this.”

Wow patriarchy wow.

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And to my Dad’s everlasting credit? He responded: “You have a problem with Monica, you take it up with Monica. She’s grown.”

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I never heard from the guy again. Though be sure that—though he fancies himself our family’s friend—he leaves me out of every communication. At my Dad’s funeral, he didn’t speak to me.

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Dad once said, “He’ll never forgive you.” Not that Dad was endorsing that; quite the opposite—he was saying, this guy sees himself as a good guy, and anyone who threatens that self-image is persona non grata. As it remains to this day.

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So this is why @JoeBiden’s “sorry you felt that way” is so specifically grating. If you’re a small-town college professor, whatever, have a nice life. If you’re a presidential candidate? YOU MUST RECKON WITH HOW YOU TREAT HALF THE POPULATION.

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And that’s why I wish he’d drop out of the race and leave it to someone who not just listens to us, but IS us. It is so past time.

Fin.

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Addendum: to be quite clear, I’m very proud of how my Dad evolved on these issues, and up to the day he died, was a constant supporter of and sounding board for all of my #metoo efforts. He was my best friend and I miss him every day. You insult him, you get blocked.

Men: stop telling me you would have acted differently and/or “beat the shit out of that guy” in my Dad’s shoes. It is so unhelpful and so hurtful.

And also: no. You would not have acted differently. I will explain to you why.

These situations *always* have deep context. This man had been a family friend for decades. He had an honored position in the community. It was a tiny faculty and a tiny town. He’d helped us countless times, including when my Mom was sick with cancer and bedridden.

These men perform much good, specifically so that, when they say or do disgusting things, it serves as a cover. It is a strategy.

This man was not a rando off the street. He was the equivalent of YOUR vaguely problematic uncle/brother/father/benefactor/teacher/coach.

So no. You would not have acted differently. Instead, you could aspire to act exactly as my Dad did: he recognized the wrong, refrained from patriarchal power moves and instead listened to/empowered his daughters, and strategically distanced himself from the friend over time.

And again, if you come at me criticizing my Dad I’ll block you without a second thought. I lost him last year and am still deep in grief over it. You were warned.