Thread by @JasonKirell

Memorial day is always a conflicting time for me now.

I was fortunate, very fortunate, in my deployment that we didn't have anyone killed. A few got injured, but nobody died.

Then in the eight years since we've been back a half dozen guys I served with took their own lives.

And I know that Memorial day is supposed to be about honoring those who died in war, and also recognize that not every veteran who takes their own life does so bc of factors directly related to service.

Veterans can take their own life for the same reasons civilians do.

But it's still a difficult thing to reckon with. And it's hard to separate whatever factors went into their final decision with what they went through - what we all went through - and wonder what is it that makes you carry on and not end up like them.

And there's no answer.

And that's terrifying.

To me, anyway.

I wish I knew them better. I wish they felt like they could reach out to me. I wish we spent more time discussing our feelings and issues instead of talking about chicks, or sports, or movies.

You end up feeling like you failed them, even if you really know there was nothing you could do...And even if they did reach out you're not sure if you'd make the best sounding board bc you're dealing with your own issues.

I try to stay off Facebook bc that's how I found out all these guys killed themselves. Postings from family members and details about funerals for guys who were 22, 23, 24 years old.

It makes you want to stay away, even though you know you should reconnect.

And I feel bad.

It sucks knowing we've all got issues and part of those issues is the feeling you want to withdraw from the world, to hoard your pain so you don't bring other people down with you - and knowing that only makes things worse, for you and others.

And I'm not sure how to fix that. How to not just take the first step towards opening up, but all the subsequent steps necessary to begin to recover.

It's easy to diagnose the problem and visualize what you need to do to get better.

It's the doing it part that feels impossible.

Like trying to swim through concrete.

You dont feel like you can do it, or that it's worth it bc you feel like maybe you don't deserve to feel any better.

And while you spend this memorial day mourning over those who died, you wonder why a part of you feels like it died too.

Anyway, I'm rambling now.

Just be aware that war hurts everyone, even long after the shooting stops. And the stench of hurt lingers in the air around us.

We breathe it in and try our best to not to choke on it, but some suffocate and don't make it.

War sucks.