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Lengthy thread... Long term mental health effects of medical emergencies with your children are real for parents. I’m sharing to normalize mental health and point out that everyone is affected, not matter how “put together” things may seem
This is the first time I have shared this publicly, but I feel it is important to be transparent and open. It is also cathartic to release some of this that we have kept inside for so long. I will be leaving out some of the details. Here’s a bit of my story...
Our youngest, Oliver, was hospitalized two times in the first four months of his life. First time was at two weeks old related to a high fever that ended up being a nasty infection. Admitted to childrens hospital for seven days of IV antibiotics. My wife lived there 24/7
Even though she had just given birth 14 days earlier. Several days of IVs coming out resulted in a PICC line inserted into his little scalp. Xrays. Sleepless nights. All the while, we didn’t have family in town to help watch our older son
So I was going back and for the for a few hours at a time, desperate to find ways to be there. Our friends were huge and stayed at the house after Zachary went to bed so I could go be at the hospital for a bit... but it wasn’t enough...I felt I was letting my wife and son down.
The trauma of that entire week was very real, and I didn’t want to set foot back in the hospital again... but then came June 2017 when Oliver was readmitted at 4 months with a neurological problem that required a neurosurgical procedure. Another week long stay.
That time both of us lived at the hospital, with grandparents home with Zachary. The stress and trauma of that week is still very real. It was made worse by our feeling that the doctors were not looking deep enough to find explanations. The system was failing our son...
This has led to a very real district of doctors, at least until a care provider proves otherwise. Many months of follow up visits with Pediatrics, Family Praxtice, and Neurosurgery just kept the entire experience in our minds and very raw... it wasn’t going away.
And the entire time, my wife and I committed to each other that we wouldn’t let it affect our older son. We kept it hidden, but he still knew something was not quite right. I buried myself in work, and NO ONE there knew the inner turmoil (on purpose).
my work colleagues may be shocked to know all this was happening because I hid it so well. My productivity didn’t slip. My commitment to my students didn’t waver. But that came at a cost that I only realized much later. Keeping it inside meant I didn’t fully process it all.
Thankfully, our sweet Oliver has no long term effects or symptoms. No more follow ups with specialists. The brain is truly a remarkably resilient and malleable organ at that age. So we are happy for the positive outcome...
But the experience still lingers in my mind. And what makes it even harder is I am frequently inside that same hospital for other work related meetings and events. It is so difficult to walk past the ER, and the MRI room, and the OR waiting area...
I have even asked colleagues to move locations of meetings to other places. I realized early on that these experiences are clear indicators of post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD.
I am currently in counseling to process these feelings and my reactions, but the journey is difficult. It gets easier with time, but I still experience the anxiety and mood changes when I think about it, or when I see the hospital, or park in the garage.
Again, the story has a happy ending for our son who thankfully was far too young to remember any of this, and also such a fighter that there are no lasting effects of either hospitalization... for him at least. For us, time will tell.
Mental health issues affect everyone, without discrimination. High functioning, Type A, well-educated, successful professors with supportive families are certainly not invincible. Even those with several advanced degrees in psychology!
The conversation needs to change so people can feel more free to share their stories, and to ask for help when it is needed. I’ll admit that there was a real feeling of shame and stigma for me. I should be stronger for my family. I can “take it”
But that way of thinking is fundamentally flawed. My experiences with Oliver have taught me that. I hope that sharing this lengthy story might resonate with some people. If you want to share anything woth me, you can always DM me.
In the end, mental health is health.
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