Thread by @CCCBuryStEd

Understanding Coercive Control

Part 25: Parental Alienation

To understand the prevalence of parental alienation, we first need to understand the dynamics of abuse.
THREAD
#coercivecontrol #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #parentalalienation #children #childcontact #familycourt

This isn’t a thread about whether parental alienation is coercive control or not. Alienation happens for reasons OTHER than coercive control (more of this later).

Parental alienation happens.

I personally know more mothers than fathers who have no contact with their children. I’m not saying this is an accurate reflection of society. All I’m saying is that,in my personal experience, I’m aware it happens to mothers more.

I also know that abusers will also claim alienation for a variety of reasons. Some of it is for pity, but also for tactical reasons in court.

I know that there are parents who don’t WANT to see their children but will claim that they can’t, citing parental alienation.

I know that there are parents who have moved away deliberately, to frustrate contact by making it unaffordable or simply not viable for the non resident/non custodial parent but I also know that parents have been accused of this, when it isn’t the case.

I know parents who live in fear that their children may be harmed and so have stopped contact. Often it’s not fear of physical violence but the fact that drugs are part of the equation. Or alcohol.
And that children might be accidentally harmed.

I know parents who are deeply hurt and betrayed that their partner ended their marriage and found someone else. They have fears that the new partner might replace them and don’t want their child to form a bond with their ex’s new partner.

I know parents who are angry,vengeful and spiteful, who will do what they can to hurt their ex partner for ending the relationship and that means withholding the children from the non resident parent or not returning them to the resident parent.

I know quite a few of these and, in ALL of these situations, domestic abuse/coercive control WAS NOT a factor in the relationship but it is being claimed retrospectively.

So, what is clear from the above is that there are many factors that could lead to an allegation of parental alienation being made, or a parent stopping contact.

And because of all these factors, parental alienation should not automatically be included as coercive control but the reasons for why the allegation has been made or contact has stopped needs to be investigated.

This can only be done effectively if domestic abuse is properly understood and, at the moment, it clearly isn’t.

If domestic abuse was sufficiently understood, we would be able to identify:

1) Whether the relationship was abusive or whether this is a retrospective claim.

2) Why the allegation is being made.

3) Why the contact has stopped/ isn’t happening

4) What is behind the picture being presented?

* Who is the primary victim?
* What is the reason behind the unwillingness to engage?

5) The various ways an abuser can present.

6) The various ways a victim can present.

7) How abusers are being enabled by, possibly, their family or friends.

8) The ways in which an abuser is able to manipulate services.

9) Differentiating between abuse that is reciprocal, that is coercive and controlling, emotionally abusive etc

All of this without resorting to lazy proclamations of:

“ They’re both as bad as the other.”

“ It’s a case of He said:She said”

“ It’s 6 of one and half a dozen of the other”

BECAUSE

Abusers DON’T want to be exposed for what they are and if they can’t present themselves as victims of their victim’s abuse, they will do what they can to muddy the waters so that it LOOKS reciprocal.

And how on earth can anyone possibly know how to tell all this apart, if the understanding around domestic abuse is so poor?

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