True story: this happened to us.
I thought I was being responsible by not downloading the big 3 that I knew had chat functions, but then I downloaded War Wings without checking for a chat…
…the predator immediately suggested my teen move their talks to Discord.
I thought I was being responsible by not downloading the big 3 that I knew had chat functions, but then I downloaded War Wings without checking for a chat…
…the predator immediately suggested my teen move their talks to Discord.
I have her device parental controlled to the gods, so I didn’t download discord nor could she access the web version… but she could once she gained access on one of her peers’ phones. And then all hell broke loose.
She was so manipulated that, when her birthday came, she asked a friend to borrow her phone so that she could talk to her “boyfriend,” and cried when I wouldn’t let her be alone on her birthday so she could sneak and talk to him.
I’m already DOUBLY paranoid about safety and security because, as I’ve shared on the blog before, *I* was kidnapped as a child.
So I, of course, PANICKED.
I took *several* days outlining and explaining the harm and dangers of this shit to her, and how the internet isn’t like
So I, of course, PANICKED.
I took *several* days outlining and explaining the harm and dangers of this shit to her, and how the internet isn’t like
school where everyone is who they are when you see them, and that there is incentive for people to misrepresent themselves and cause harm. We had in-depth conversations about power (it sounds like a lot, but we’d been talking about power because we talked about bullying, too)
and how some people are gratified, in a perverse way, by taking power from others who can’t/don’t know how to fight back or defend themselves.
And, finally, I asked her for every password she ever had for every account she’s ever created on the Internet.
And, finally, I asked her for every password she ever had for every account she’s ever created on the Internet.
I took her Discord account and locked the two-factor authentication to my phone and the e-mail account to my own, so she couldn’t access it again, but then she only had him contact her on Youtube and Snapchat. Like, he wasn’t going to let go of my child.
I told her, again, maybe with or without a chancleta I can’t remember, that this shit wasn’t safe. I made her read “And Then There Were None” by Agatha Christie and made her write me a ten page book report on it. I made her watch the BBC version of it, too. 
The story really is an illustration of the perversion of justice, sure, but also: who the fuck is allowing an invitation from a stranger to lure them across creation in complete isolation from society just to be murked in cold blood by a—let me not spoil it. But I had her
go through all of them, and then I started having her read this series that the Times is doing in child predation on the internet.
And then, I got a whim to look at the Discord account again, and go through her archives of conversations she was having with her peers.
And then, I got a whim to look at the Discord account again, and go through her archives of conversations she was having with her peers.
I saw a conversation with a girl who was talking about deliberately meeting men on the Internet. I saw another girl who thought she was talking to a boy who was a HS freshman in another borough, but found it weird that he would never FaceTime her.
They joked about him being catfish, but also? Little mama, you might’ve JUST BARELY escaped a sexual predator.
These kids are sending porn to each other, of all kinds and forms, some out of curiosity and kind of commiserating (“Ew, can you believe what I found!?”) and some out
These kids are sending porn to each other, of all kinds and forms, some out of curiosity and kind of commiserating (“Ew, can you believe what I found!?”) and some out
of the fact that, unfortunately, far too many children are exposed to sex by having their boundaries violated early, and now have developed sexual interests in a way that causes them to feel comfortable sharing *far too early* with others.
If you know any middle school /HS teachers and administrators, ask them how many times a month they find children watching porn on phones given to them by parents who didn’t think to lock it. Or, even if they WERE parentally controlled, videos that were screen recorded/messaged?
This is on my heart right now, I guess, because I JUST sat down with my daughter and we read and discussed this NYT article together. She knows I’m longwinded and, when I sit her down, I mean business and take me seriously before I maybe or maybe don't pick up another chancleta.
I made her read parts of it out loud. I asked her about specific parts of it, like a sentient lit exam. And, again, we had more conversation about power and perversion. I told her I know she’s tired of me beating this dead horse, but I reminded her I’d been beating the dead horse
about her period since before ir came, and that was when, when it eventually did, she was as calm as she was.
I told her I can’t control every move she makes on there and I have no interest in micromanaging her life because I have my own shit to do, tbh.
I told her I can’t control every move she makes on there and I have no interest in micromanaging her life because I have my own shit to do, tbh.
But I told her it’s my job as a parent to give her the ability to discern when she is in harms way, and how to make the best decisions to keep herself safe. I ALSO told her that even if we block every stupid fucking app where the devs throw a middle finger to child safety
OR RACISM, FOR THAT FUCKING MATTER
that the kids would always find a new way to connect, and the predators would always figure out what that was and how to get there. So I can’t always be the boundary. She has to know how to set them on her own, and it is my job to teach her.
I have like six DMs asking me about my own kidnapping, and it’s like this: I was kidnapped by a step-uncle who was a drug addict, in the middle of the crack era, who wanted to ransom me off for drug money. My stepdad wouldn’t pay and, in the middle of it all, I escaped.
I’m fine. I’m in therapy. I’m covered.
My kids? They’re really only as covered as we, collectively, make them.
B/c we can lock their phones, but it only takes that one child whose parents DIDN’T whose being groomed and shares the content at lunch time.
My kids? They’re really only as covered as we, collectively, make them.
B/c we can lock their phones, but it only takes that one child whose parents DIDN’T whose being groomed and shares the content at lunch time.
So, parents. Please.
Learn how to put the parental controls on your child’s phone. Lock their purchases. Lock their browser so they can only go to the domains you approve and verify for safety. Block them from making downloads of ANY kind at ANY time. Verify before you buy.
Learn how to put the parental controls on your child’s phone. Lock their purchases. Lock their browser so they can only go to the domains you approve and verify for safety. Block them from making downloads of ANY kind at ANY time. Verify before you buy.
Encourage them to be apart of social scenes in the real world. Children who are some kind of outsider are at risk of bullying, yes, but also they are at risk of being manipulated and groomed by predators. Ask your school to expand their social offerings after school for kids.
Find ways to pull kids away from the margins. Socially isolated children are at risk of this kind of grooming because the predator makes them feel like they “finally have a friend.” The friendship slowly turns predatory. Then it turns flat out dangerous.
Find real world interests for your child and invest in them in safe ways.
The Internet just ain’t it, chief.
The Internet just ain’t it, chief.
One last thing, before I quit:
This isn’t a conversation about parental surveillance. I still do not and will not surveil my child. Surveillance isn’t the point.
Also, I know that there are kids in communities where they *need* to access people who aren’t in their communities
This isn’t a conversation about parental surveillance. I still do not and will not surveil my child. Surveillance isn’t the point.
Also, I know that there are kids in communities where they *need* to access people who aren’t in their communities
b/c their communities are harmful to their identities. That is neither lost on me nor am I pretending to have the answers for that.
But what needs to also be acknowledged is that queer/trans/gnc children, too, are at risk for these same reasons.
But what needs to also be acknowledged is that queer/trans/gnc children, too, are at risk for these same reasons.
As parents, we have to stop marginalizing our own children. We have to stop raising children who marginalize their peers. Raising healthy and happy children has to be a big tent approach, because the world is trying to eat them up in ways we can’t fully quantify yet.
I didn’t really expect this to blow up like it did, I just had it heavy on my heart.
I guess I could do a follow up, huh?
I guess I could do a follow up, huh?
She tried to continue with him, and I expected that. She’s a baby, and she’s human.
But that’s why it was so important to get her to understand how to identify risk and harm in the digital world.
I sat her down and talked to her about the conversations they were having.
But that’s why it was so important to get her to understand how to identify risk and harm in the digital world.
I sat her down and talked to her about the conversations they were having.
I showed her that the pictures of food he was sending her that he allegedly cooked, were actually photos from a generic recipe website. I pointed out to her that he was sending her a cycle of the same four selfies over and over again.
I asked her how it made her feel for him to keep making sexually suggestive comments to her, even as she kept responding in ways that showed clear discomfort? I asked her how it felt to know that he was consistently ignoring her discomfort. I asked if she thought that’s how a
healthy relationship looks, to have your discomfort constantly ignored as if its unimportant. I asked her what she understood about consent, and whether or not someone who is pressured into doing something is actually consenting. That folded into the conversation about power,
because consent is about recognizing that I have the power to determine who has access to my body. To ignore my right to consent is to deny me the exercise of that power. A partner who doesn’t respect your power isn’t a partner, they’re a predator.
I gave her the information she needed to see him in a different light and, thus, she started pushing back on some of the things he said to her, and eventually he got mad at her and he blocked her in mid-conversation; she responded by blocking him everywhere else.
I also worked overtime to find things that she can do in her spare time besides gaming. Not b/c my opinion of it has changed but, since I know my child is thirsty for human interaction, I know I needed to find safe avenues for it.
For those who ask questions like “well what pushed her child to…” Here’s the thing, and I’m not being dismissive when I say this: if you catch an upset child in the right circumstances, as outlined in the article, they can find themselves in the position to be groomed.
The article outlined an 8yo boy who was mad his parents wouldn’t buy him gaming currency, and told a predator, “I would do anything for a $20 credit.”
And, the older the babies get, the more of those “circumstances” there are.
And, the older the babies get, the more of those “circumstances” there are.
You don’t have to try to diagnose my child from a distance. I am blessed with health insurance and an incredible therapist for my child.
If you think I am a “good mom,” it’s because I’m LITERALLY working overtime at trying to be.
If you think I am a “good mom,” it’s because I’m LITERALLY working overtime at trying to be.
If you think I’m being a “helicopter mom,” you’re not reading what I wrote.
Children need boundaries until they develop the discernment necessary to gauge risk. Full stop. You don’t let a child cross the street alone until they know how to look both ways and gauge safety.
Children need boundaries until they develop the discernment necessary to gauge risk. Full stop. You don’t let a child cross the street alone until they know how to look both ways and gauge safety.
I did take her passwords, because I needed screenshots to take to the authorities. She shortly changed them all back, except that discord account. *shrug*
But people need to realize that there’s a spectrum here—on one side is absenteeism; the other, helicoptering.
But people need to realize that there’s a spectrum here—on one side is absenteeism; the other, helicoptering.
Somewhere in the middle is a vast space where variations of the same thing ALL children need can be found—variations based on age, maturity, discernment, empathy, and trust for each child.
In the modern world, it takes a lot of work to get it right. And I hope we all get closer.
In the modern world, it takes a lot of work to get it right. And I hope we all get closer.
Also—the chancleta, it was a joke.
I do make joke threats—meant to add levity to the convo, but also to denote the seriousness of what I’m saying.
I joke about the chancleta, but I don’t use it.
I do make joke threats—meant to add levity to the convo, but also to denote the seriousness of what I’m saying.
I joke about the chancleta, but I don’t use it.
