Thread by @vmyths

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson Vice commander Col. Steve Orton set an appointment to tell me the news. "Here's your one-line mission statement," he said. "I want you to buy as many microcomputers as you possibly can, for as many offices in USAFE as you can possibly find, and I want you to cut ALL red tape..."

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson Col. Orton continued: "Now, the system will let you cut a little red tape. They'll tolerate a lot. But you're going to cut 100%. DON'T GET CAUGHT. Help units spend money. If they don't have any, find some for them and spend it. I want microcomputers everywhere in USAFE."

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson Col. Orton continued: "The system won't like you cutting all their red tape. They'll make you hurt worse than the Russians. SO DON'T GET CAUGHT. But if you do, and it's *not* your fault¹, come see me and I'll make the pain go away."
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¹Ethics / legalities

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson Col. Orton continued: "You're going to need an officer for this. I have a captain coming in with a line number to major. Let's just say her reputation precedes her. I can't control her coming here but I can control who she works for. She works for you."

I GASPED!

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson You need to realize: I'm a Senior Airman. Enlisted. "Part of the E-4 mafia," as they say.

"Okay, yeah, on PAPER you'll work for her but in reality she works for you. Your job is to keep her from jiggling the handle to flush the toilet. Because she's really good at it."

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson Col. Orton continued: "Oh, you know Senior Airman Slacker?" Of course, sir. "He was scheduled to take the NCO Prep course. You're going in his slot."

SIR?!?

"If he asks, tell him I rewarded you for making SrA BTZ. But here's the thing..."

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson Col. Orton continued: "Airmen come out of NCO Prep and their supervisors say 'okay, you had your vacation, let's get back to work.' Not you. You'll go straight into your new office and you'll use all those skills you learn."

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson Col. Orton continued: "Send me an MFR every month telling me all the good things you're doing."

SIR?!?

"Ah, colonels always stick their noses in enlisted details. I want MFRs from YOU detailing how many microcomputers your office bought and whatever else your office did."

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson I went to the NCO Prep course. Looking around I noticed the instructors had no computers. "How would you like it if I bought you a couple and set them up for you?"

The MSgt was dumbfounded. "We have no money." I was like, "let me tell you a story..."

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson Far as I was concerned, my first test would be to get them approved for two microcomputers. I was in HQ USAFE/SIPIB -- I can find money galore, right?

I filed an "unfunded ISRD" to get them computers to improve AFCC airmen's instruction. Rubber-stamped!

Then I funded it.

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson The MSgt was dumbfounded. "I thought you were bragging." Hey, I thought so too! But it worked.

It helped that Col. Orton placed me on the ISRD¹ Review Board as its lowest-ranking member. I got alllll sorts of things approved.
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¹ Information Systems Requirements Document

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson HQ USAFE/SIPIB had 15 people and I was the lowest ranking. My phone would ring. "Hi, this is Doctor Ryan..."

Dr. Ryan, SES-4, HQ USAFE/DO. If an aircraft was flying A-1 in Europe, he knew about it.

"Dr. Ryan! Do you want to speak to Capt/Maj Polen? No, of course not..."

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson Col. Orton is obviously passing my name around to all the folks at his level. "Hey, you want microcomputers? Call this kid, he'll get them for you. You don't need to mention me, he loves doing this. Fallout funds are his specialty!"

Dr. Ryan gets fallouts every quarter...

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson "I got a million-two and I need to spend it by COB tomorrow. Can you do it?"

What's my one-line mission statement? "As many as possible..."

"Sir, can you take back a quarter-mil? I can do 900, mayyyyybe 950 for /DO by tomorrow."

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson Dr. Ryan: "I didn't ask if you could spend it all on /DO. I asked if you could SPEND it."

BOOM! A quarter-mil for unfunded reqs.

"Sir, I swear to God I'll get you 950 in microcomputers."

Now comes the RESOURCES. This is the big part.

Dr. Ryan: "What do you need?"

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson "I need a very senior captain who will NEVER say 'no' to me." Dr. Ryan: "Dime a dozen. What else do you need?"

"He needs to drive a good car. We'll hand-carry a pile of Form 9's all over Ramstein." Dr. Ryan: "They all drive BMWs. What else do you need?"

Now for signatures...

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson "Col. Arlyn Schumaker will expect a favor from you to sign all these." The Shoe is a lovable lush and he uses these favors to keep himself moving toward retirement. Happiest colonel I ever met!

Dr. Ryan: "I owe him a million favors, tell him I owe another."

Now for me...

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson Dr. Ryan: "What else do you need?"

"You know The Shoe, he loves to hand out LOAs for doing a good job."

"Have the captain draft it for my signature. What else do you need?"

It's over at this point. Now I lay out the instructions...

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson "Have your captain here at 1700. He'll stay 'til 1930. He'll return 0730 to drive me around. We'll spend $1.2 million by COB."

Dr. Ryan: "Great!" <click>

Capt/Maj Polen: "WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!?"

"Ma'am, I'm an E-4 and he's an SES-4..."

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson I'm donning my Class A blouse to visit Col. Schumaker across the street. Standing in my way: HQ USAFE/SIP executive officer 1Lt Linda Bender.

"You can't go in there."

"I know, ma'am, I'll only be a minute." <KNOCK>

"Sir, Dr. Ryan wants to spend a million-two by tomorrow."

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson Col. Schumaker: "oooh, he owes me like a million favors."

"Yep, said he owes you another one. I'll need 50 or so signatures from you."

"What about you?"

"LOA from his desk."

"oooh, let's make this happen!"

I'm out the door with 1Lt Bender shouting at me...

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson I've three "Diablo 630" daisywheel printers spinning wildly to gen up all the Form 9 paperwork I'll need to satisfy Dr. Ryan. I've $250K lined up in unfunded requests and our onsite finance officer is busy writing a fund cite on them.

It's 1705L. Capt/Maj Polen: "Where IS he?"

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson "Ma'am, I don't control this pilot's TOT. He'll be here when--"

<SLAM> "HEY HEY, TRANQUIL'S THE NAME! GREAT TO BE HERE! SO WHAT'S THE MISSION BRIEF?"

"Tranquil, Capt/Maj Polen, /SIPIB."

"GREAT TO MEETCHA!"

Capt/Maj Polen: "Likewise. I'm out." <door shuts>

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson "Okay Tranquil, I need you to sit down for the mission brief."

"Beautiful chair you got here!"

"Yep, I acquired it from Midnight Acquisition. Did Dr. Ryan explain the #1 rule?"

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson "Yep! Never say 'no' to you. We're gonna spend $1.2 million in fallout tomorrow."

"Great! Because I swear to you, tomorrow EVERYONE we meet will tell you it can't be done. I do this all the time and I assure you it can be. You just gotta do something very special..."

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson "Every time we walk into an office, you gotta drive DEEP into that office with me HIDING behind you--"

Capt Tranquil: "oooh, sneaky!"

"--exactly. Because if they see me before we get our foot in the door, they'll shut it on us and our mission fails. You gotta DRIVE in..."

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson "...because they're all going to freak when they see me. Just keep assuring them it's totally possible to do while I get them to do their job. It's going to be like this all day long. But in the end, we'll spend the money."

Capt Tranquil: "Okay, so when do we start?"

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson "I need you here at 0730 prompt to drive me back to my place so I can shave & put on a new uniform--"

"Wait, you're going to be here all night?"

"Correct. These Form 9's don't print themselves. We'll bring them with us and strike all the targets that stand in our way."

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson Capt Tranquil: "Sounds like a plan! Anything else?"

"I drafted this LOA for you to take to Dr. Ryan about my efforts tonight & tomorrow."

"Whew, he said to do this but I didn't know what to write."

"Well, don't submit it to him if we fail. But I assure you we'll succeed!"

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson It was always the same: the pilot picked me up at 0730, we ruffled everyone's feathers to get the money spent, then he'd drive me back the office. Pilot would give the LOA to Dr. Ryan's exec and I'd report success to Col. Schumaker.

Until one day...

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson USAF declared a snow day at Ramstein & Kapaun. It's only 3" and I got my driver's license IN Chicago's blizzard of 1979. I drive to work. On my way, I help an F-16 pilot out of a ditch, burning my uniform.

I go back but this time I change into civvies. #oops

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson I'm at work pumping out Form 9's on three "Diablo 630" daisywheels to support unfunded microcomputer needs.

A lieutenant who HATES MY GUTS for cutting 100% red tape walks by in uniform. Sees me. Enters.

"Airman, why are you in civvies at work?"

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson I rise up from my desk, come around, stand at attention.

"I can offer a reason. I don't think you'll take it as an excuse."

"I'm listening..."

Retort: "...and you didn't have another uniform?"

"Like I said: a reason, not an excuse."

The lieutenant snorts & leaves.

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson It's Friday. A snow day. I don't have to be at work. One of my lieutenants also came in civvies, worked for a while, and departed.

I got my dressing-down. I said "ouch" (to quote George Carlin). I get back to work.

I walk in on Monday morning...

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson ...and Capt/Maj Polen is prickling. "You have a mandatory with Col. Schumaker NOW. In Class A's. It's not good."

I'm clueless but I know she'll give me no heads-up.

I pass 1Lt Bender. Smiling from ear to ear. Yeah, this is NOT going to be good.

I knock once. "Enter."

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson Col. Schumaker reads out an #Article15 for failure to show in uniform. I'm aghast. "Do you have anything to say?" No, sir. "Sign here."

I'm signing to acknowledge I have 48hrs to weigh my options with the Area Defense Counsel.

I sign. I salute. "Dismissed." I retreat.

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson Now obviously, 1Lt Bender will be high-tailing it to the JAG for processing.

I'm standing in the snow. "Airman of the Year. Below the Zone. Article 15. How did I GET here?!?"

But you know what? I'm standing two blocks from Col. Orton's office.

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson "DON'T GET CAUGHT," Col. Orton told me. "But if you do, and it's *not* your fault, come see me and I'll make the pain go away."

I stagger two blocks to his office where the executive officer loves me.

I'm in tears. "I need to see Col. Orton."

"OF COURSE!" <SLAM> "Rob's here!"

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson Col. Orton listens to my story. I admit one of our lieutenants showed in civvies and I told him the name of the F-16 pilot who will vouch for my ruined uniform.

He's ELATED. I'm serious: Col. Orton could NOT be happier.

"Rob, you are #INVULNERABLE when this goes away!"

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson I'm flabbergasted. "Sir?"

"Okay, look: I'm going to give you a lawful order. Are you listening?"

"Yes, sir."

"GO HOME. Enjoy your day off. And when you come to work tomorrow morning ... I nevvvvver want to hear about this again."

I salute. I'm out!

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson You can't go to sleep with an Article 15 hanging over your head. But I can imagine Orton on the phone with Schumaker: "One of your LTs showed up in civvies too! This kid gets you more favors than anyone else and you're going to RUIN him for working on a snow day?!?"

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson I walked into the office Tuesday morning. <crickets> I went over to Col. Schumaker's office to drop off some paperwork. He's all smiles. 1Lt Bender acted normal. I never again got beef from the A15 lieutenant.

And Col. Orton was RIGHT: I became invulnerable. Let me explain...

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson A pilot would work his way into an office and I'd pop out from behind him. "OH MY GOD WE CAN'T POSSIBLY DO WHATEVER IT IS HE TOLD YOU!"

Now I can *size up* my enemy.

"Aha, that person likes it when I cut red tape. But the other person wants to taste my innards..."

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson I started spending money like a madman. I wrote an insanely popular USAFE doc re: getting microcomputers regardless if you could fund it.

...AND NOW FOR THE REST OF THE STORY.

Why did Col. Orton DO this? What could have possibly motivated the vice to a one-star at USAFE?

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson Back in 1984, HQ HAF/FM split off its data automation function. We were adrift looking for a MAJCOM. The only one that could take us was Air Force Communications Command.

Our orphaned data automaters gathered their colonels at HQ SSG in Montgomery, Alabama for a meeting.

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson There, the colonels decided "it's a 'friendly takeover' when AFCC so let's make the most of it."

There, the colonels decided to "put a desktop computer on every desktop." They'd leverage HQ AFCC's raw power to make it happen across all of USAF.

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson Every MAJCOM had a colonel just like Orton who needed a red-tape-cutting Senior Airman to make it happen. I was E Pluribus Unum.

AND NOW YOU KNOW WHY USAF TOOK THE LEAD IN MICROCOMPUTERS IN THE 1980S WHILE THE OTHER SERVICES STOOD IN AWE & WONDER!

https://twitter.com/vmyths/status/1221189525906522112

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson @threadreaderapp unroll

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson @threadreaderapp @_Desmoden That I pulled it off!

I shed my uniform in '86 for a DoD contract job because TS-cleared #GCOS assembler + COBOL was in $$$ high demand. I delivered the sad news to Col. Orton.

"It's great news!" He cared about my needs above mission's. 🥺

https://twitter.com/_Desmoden/status/1221298635490484224

@stuarthare @rik_ferguson @threadreaderapp @_Desmoden I knew Col. Orton could get me a "by-name request" wherever I wanted in AFCC -- and HQ SSG under Col. Gill, my former /CC, would've been wild!

I didn't apply for a restricted AECP scholarship because I had a 4yr unrestricted scholarship via the Illinois Veterans Grant.