Thread by @HoarseWisperer

Step out of the house to eat a sandwich and escape the hearing.

Dude sits down six seats away from me and starts streaming the hearing on full volume.

Now I’m listening to Trump’s idiots accompanied by Billy Ocean’s Caribbean Queen on the PA system.

I have died. This is hell.

He is streaming it on Fox News.

Hypothetically, what would the charges be if a person were to smash another person’s phone with a hammer?

Hypothetically.

The gentleman in question is a white male, approximately 60 years old.

Despite being indoors in a venue that is not an igloo, he is still wearing his jacket.

That jacket?

A varsity-style coat emblazoned with “Super Bowl Champions - New York Jets”.

For perspective, the New York Jets won Super Bowl III.

Sunday is Super Bowl LIV.

That’s LI years ago.

My entire lifetime has spanned fewer years.

My parents doomed me to being a Jets fan as a child.

True story: I got carsick on a family trip. Puked on myself. Parents ran into a gas station to buy whatever they had to wear.

In a terrible twist of fate, their only inventory was a Jets sweatshirt two sizes too big.

These were my formative years.

Why would you do that to a child?

This is why I have trust issues.

Oh, Sweet Fortune, how you blow in and out of my life like the ficklest of winds. The world grows cold in your absence and warm anew when you return.

My friendly barkeep just bestowed upon me a tablet streaming live soccer - with sound!

I now hear nothing of Fox dude.

Find a relationship as reliable and supportive as my pub-love.

While I have vowed to never remarry, if they someday ease the restrictions on man-tavern unions, I may have no choice but to wed again.

Such is the depth of our bond.

And now the PA system has abandoned Billy Ocean for Talk Talk’s “It’s My Life”.

Everything is coming up Hoarse.