Thread by @muskieratboi

In the Moist Darkness of the 34th Millennium, there is only Cum.

In this TED Talk, I will be Headcanoning the Sexual proclivities of various Warhammer Races. This is not a shitpost, I've done research. (1/)

First up: Humanity. Surprisingly enough, their sexual mores are *diverse*, if rather vanilla. Gender, Creed, and Sexuality are interchangeable, and one can love, marry, and have sex with any consenting adult they wish, with the following provisos: (2/)

1: One must dedicate their lovemaking to the emperor, for it is with his love that you may love.
2: Kinky shit is okay as long as it doesn't get too Chaos-ey.
3: If you live on a forge-world or are of the Astra Militarum, you must have at least one child to replace yourself.

Relationships with Xenos/Mutants/Psykers are right out, though there have been... exceptions. Love blooms on battlefields, after all. :)

Next up: SPEHSS MERHEENS.
Yes, they can Fuck, though it's.. weird for them. All their sexual drive has been engineered out of them, so one would have to be.. "assisted" either mechanically, Chemically, or Psyonically to get them "in the mood".

Some Xenos, such as Orks, Dark Eldar, and strangely *necrons* of all things, are.. supriringly good at this. Of course, it's also an extremely common way to corrupt Space Marines to Slaneesh...

Speaking of, CHAOS SPESS MERHEENS:
Khorneites Loot, Pillage, THEN Rape.
Tzeenchians are total stalkers and will make the other person make the first move (plus they totally have a bird fetish)
Nurglites give mind-melting orgasms (cause your brain just literally melted!)

And of course, the sheer depths of depravity that Slaneesh Cultists, demons, and CSMs are capable of has been *well Documented*.
Just... Use your Imagination here.

It's worse than that.

No, even that.

Quick Jump back to the Imperium for Two factions I missed:
First up: the Adeptus Custodes.

You thought the whole Emperor TTS thing about the Custodes being a bunch of Oiled up gay Greco-egyptian Adonises in a constant grief orgy was a parody? *Nope.*

Next: the Adeptus Mechanicus. This is kind of obvious, but the Infini-Orgasmatron 5000 attachment that locks skitarii in a timeless state of infinitely powerful orgasm is considered heresy.
It still, however sees occasional use as a prank, or recreationally...

And you should see the average tech-priest's Toy Collection, whoooo boy! More dildos than you know where to put em, and they're MASTERS of Teledildonics.

Next, the Aeldari!
These peeps USED to be the KINKIEST fuckers in the Galaxy.
but then they kinda decimated their population in a giant Murder orgy which birthed Slaneesh in a galactic Orgasm, sooo they're usually not in the mood these days?

They're pretty stuffy when it comes to sex, mainly just trying to keep their rapidly dwindling population from collapsing entirely. though, again, Love blooms on the battlefield, so there are options here for enterprising horny Imperials.

The Drukhari are essentially the remainder of the Aeldari that decided to keep the Murder orgy going. so it's ALWAYS fuck-o-clock for them. they're ready, randy, and willing at a moment's fucking notice. and then they'll fuck the notice.

Genestealers and Genestealer cultists are ALL about the fucking, it's how they infiltrate Human worlds, after all. Lots of Abductions and alien tentacle rape at first, followed by innsmouthian Deep one horror as the hybrids grow more human. lots of space for Storytellers here.

Next up: Necrons.
Oh, y'all think they're just Egyptian skeleton men with robo-pelvises and no bits? Ohhhh no. Most of them definitely have Skele-Dicks, though they can't exactly breed. Why do you think Assholetep is so Insufferable? he's one of the few that DON'T!

The Tau are all about Dat Caste system. Castes are determined at birth and inheritd from the parents. Interbreeding is forbidden by the Ethereals, though there's a loophole here. it's frowned upon, but as long as you don't have mixed-caste children....

also, There's a lot of Inter-caste stuff with the Tau, with Higher ranked members exterting their power over those of lower rank for sex. Definitely a lot of Power-difference play here.

And of course, being chosen as a concubine by a Tau can be considered an honor among the Member-races. Many Kroot start their careers as Tau sex pets...

Next: Tyranids!
Tyranids are... Fucking WEIRD. Bugs. Tentacles. Oviposition. Transformation. Genetic sampling, Hive-mind tactics, breeding for the swarm... There's a loooooot of kinky fucking shit the Tyranids can do to a person.

Mind you, As soon as they're done with you, you *will* be discarded/melted into genetic sludge/just outright killed, so... enjoy the time you have.

And last, but Certainly not least: ORKS.

Hoooly SHIT Orks. So!

First up: yes, they are Fungus. Yes, they can spread via spores. HOWEVER. They can also breed the traditional way.
Yes.
With other Orks.
You know what that means!
Orks are MPreg Central!!

They are single gay bara kink you can think of. Big boys that get bigger as they get more power over others. Mpreg. GIGANTIC Schlongs. Wrestle-sex. Chubs, Bears, Dad-Bods, Hunks, Twunks. Gretchen Cocksleeves. Painting your cock red to thrust faster! Squig Fucking, They'll DO it!

Orks Don't fucking Care what they fuck, as long as it Feels good. they'll usually have the courtesy to give the other guy a reach-around though. Life for an Ork is Short, violent, and full of fucking, and they wouldn't have it ANY OTHER WAY.

And so concludes my TED Talk about sex in the Moist Darkness of the 34th Millennium. I am now going to add the #warhammer40k to this thread, because why not let's see what happens. :)