Before you enter my mentions to contribute to the single largest pubic hair fire in American history, let me suggest that you not, for the following reasons:
If you are a MAGA or a 2A enthusiast, I legitimately do not care about your life/well-being or the lives/well-being of your family. I don't care if you can't defend yourselves against intruders or whatever. I just don't care if you live or die.
Your opinions on my appearance roll off like water off the Crisco you insist I consume by the handfuls. If I were so delicate and fragile that being called fat would destroy me, I wouldn't mock you for looking as fucking goofy as you yeehaws all look.
There is literally NOTHING you can say to me that's going to make me respect you or care about the myriad things you want to use your shooty-shoots for. I don't care. I just. Don't.
Additionally, trying to shame me for my foul mouth will not work, Deborah. Please complain about it to your fucking quilting circle or your Christian Zumba class.
I do want to address the allegations that I'm an Amy Schumer fan, however. That hurts, guys. That's off-sides. I thought better of you.
In conclusion, I have to go eat dinner. Which my husband cooked. And then I'm gonna get my pussy ate while watching John Oliver in my LIBERAL PARADISE. Suuuuuuuuck it!
