@StubbornDogs I always knew I was different & didn’t feel like the ‘girl’ I was told I was. As a kid I was just one of the local lads - had short hair, an Action Man, played footie, war & fought with boys. Was labelled a ‘tomboy’ but secretly hoped one day my willy would grow...
@StubbornDogs It wasn’t so distressing for me as a young kid because I could mostly express my maleness without getting shamed for it. When I was 10 we had a Victorian dressing up day at school & I went as a street urchin lad. No one batted eyelid at me & it felt great!..
@StubbornDogs But body changes approaching puberty made it different. Remember at 11 my mum shouting at me on beach to put a top on & feeling real shame. By 13 I already had depression without the words for it. I wrote in school work about ‘when I am a man’ ....
....but no one spoke to me about it
@StubbornDogs Vulnerability made me a target for bullying & skipped a lot of school. Later tried to talk to couple of mates but none of us had the words & was a disaster so kept it quiet. Also complicated by being raped at 15 & 17. Felt confused about gender & sexuality....
...Was all very mixed up with no info & no role models except Boy George!
@StubbornDogs finally found some language for feelings at college at 21. Was at time Section 28 was coming in (1988) & lesbian felt ‘best fit’ as well as channeling my growing anger about male violence against women...
@StubbornDogs i had a very (wrong) idealised view of women v men which made me feel much shame about own maleness. After several breakdowns & one v dysfunctional/abusive long-term relationship ended up in new relationship with a woman who wanted a child with me...
@StubbornDogs Found a sperm donor & began trying. In 2004 we watched ‘Make Me A Man’ on C4 - a doc about 4 trans men. I said to g/f ‘if I was younger I’d do that’. She said she’d leave me if I did so buried it again & went into another deep depression...
@StubbornDogs It would take me another 5 years before realising I wasn’t dead yet & could transition as adult. Later had another crisis triggered by working with a teen who mirrored my own experience.
@StubbornDogs In 2005 g/f conceived. I’d already started my training to be a counsellor by then & was noticing own reactions more. Despite having no issues with lesbian mums what struck me massively was how I felt like I was going to be a dad...
@StubbornDogs ..With that, and after we lost the pregnancy early on, & I still had to deal with the rapes from teen years, I went into long term therapy.
After that r/ship broke down & a couple of short term flings that went badly inc with one quite butch lesbian -
After that r/ship broke down & a couple of short term flings that went badly inc with one quite butch lesbian -
@StubbornDogs .. which felt strangely ‘gay’ to me & she tried to feminise me, I then met my last g/f by which time I was describing myself as ‘gender ambivalent’ - this was before non-binary was talked about..
@StubbornDogs But still my underlying maleness was there. I’d dealt with the rape issues by historically reporting so I wasn’t carrying the shame of that any more to confuse me. But in autumn 2009 I had another severe breakdown ...
@StubbornDogs This culminated in a suicidal crisis after I had researched trans info online (actually discovering that many Native American tribes had more than two genders) & named that in myself. At that point I was desperate to avoid putting g/f & family through process ..
@StubbornDogs ..& was looking up lethal doses of meds when my manager called ...
I’d been signed off with depression at that point & boss called for welfare check at that exact moment I needed support. She was wonderful & was the first person I told.
I’d been signed off with depression at that point & boss called for welfare check at that exact moment I needed support. She was wonderful & was the first person I told.
@StubbornDogs ..She was so supportive & affirming of me that it gave me courage to tell g/f & then family. They were also brilliant & everything clicked into place for them. I was v lucky!
@StubbornDogs But my first try at talking to GP was awful & had it not been that I took the NHS protocols to her I wouldn’t have been referred to local adult mental health team for initial psychiatrist diagnosis (this was under old protocols now changed)
@StubbornDogs & a referral to the Gender Identity Clinic specialists
@StubbornDogs Then moved GP to a wonderful accepting practice who agreed to shared care with a private consultant so I could start testosterone (T) sooner than the long NHS waiting time would allow me to - in May 2010. Had to get MP’s help for funding.
@StubbornDogs Eventually via GIC referral had chest surgery in 2012.
@StubbornDogs But I have had a v long wait for further surgery since - only 6 weeks ago did I finally get hysterectomy & first stage of surgery on my bits. That’s 3 years after recommended time for health reasons when you’re on Testosterone
