Thread by @UrsulaV

It's D&D night and the party is being attacked by enchanted furniture. Attempts to intimidate a chair have failed.

There is an evil book in the library.
CORGI PALADIN: I'm going to grab that book and bite it and shake it!
CHEETAH ROGUE: I try to grab the paladin.
CORGI: IF YOU DO I WILL WIGGLE

BUFFALO: Oh, just let her bite the book. What's the worse that happens?
CORGI: I get possessed by an ancient evil?
BUFFALO: And that will be ADORABLE.
CENTIPEDE ASSASSIN: It'll be just precious.

CHEETAH: Be a good girl. STAY.
CORGI: GODDAMMIT.

GM: Ok, you're being attacked by books. You can get to the evil book, but--
BUFFALO: Books came off the shelves, right?
GM: ...yes. They're wall-mounted shelves.
BUFFALO: I tear the shelf off the wall and use it as a shield.
GM: ...huh.
BUFFALO: Module didn't cover this, did it?

GM: No. Roll strength and--okay, yeah, there's no world where you didn't just rip that off the wall. Okay. I guess you're wearing it like an umbrella now. Hmm.

BUFFALO: I pick up the evil book with a sack so I don't touch it.
GM: You're being followed by a horde of flying books and being harassed by chairs.
BUFFALO: ...
GM: What do you do?
BUFFALO: Sorry, I was just savoring the phrase "harassed by chairs."

CORGI: If only there was someone in the party who knew how to HERD THINGS!
CHEETAH: Fine, fine...
CORGI: I charge into the room and begin herding the chairs!
GM: The chairs are unimpressed.

CORGI: I bark at the books! I grab a flying book and break its spine!
BUFFALO: Ooh, bend down a corner! That'll teach it!
TOAD HEALER: Does anyone have a highlighter?
CORGI: Hey now, we're supposed to be the good guys.

BUFFALO: *slowly wades through books to door*
CORGI: I trip the chairs!
GM: Well, that's what corgis do...

BUFFALO & CORGI escape the room, but the books and chairs are now attacking the makeshift door.
CHEETAH: Can't we just burn the room?
BUFFALO: I hate burning libraries. I just don't feel like the good guys.

GM: The table is starting to move now.
BUFFALO: Hmm, if we kill the table, we can use it to block the door.
CORGI: I nip at the table legs to make it chase me!
GM: ...I gotta go take care of the chickens.

CHEETAH: But if the table attacks us--
BUFFALO: I'm willing to get in a headbutting contest with that table. You think I won't?

CORGI: *catches a book*
CHEETAH: Now give me the book--no, give it to me--release the book--
CORGI: *growls*
CHEETAH: Release the book!
BUFFALO: You mean "Drop it!"
CORGI: I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH i drop the book

CHEETAH: I light the book on fire and throw it back into the room!
GM: Okay.
CHEETAH: What does it do?
GM: It falls down and burns.
CHEETAH: Does it light any other books on fire?
GM: No.
CHEETAH: Damn.

PARTY: *elaborate plans to block the door*
GM: You know, you could just...there is one object they're trying to get to...you could just...
PARTY: You mean the evil book?
GM: YES.
BUFFALO: No way, man, it's worth money.

TOAD: Let me try to read the book.
GM: It says "This Book Is A Trap."
BUFFALO: I turn the page.
GM: *recites directions for how the book is a trap*
BUFFALO: Okay, but is there a reset function so that we get an army of tame books? Because I want that.

GM: No. The Enchanted Bookseller in Walla Walla Washington doesn't make any money if you can just reset it.
BUFFALO: Dammit. Someone write down that address.
GM: NOW will you destroy the book?
BUFFALO: *sigh* CORGI, do YOU want to destroy the book?
CORGI: I WILL NOM IT TO DEATH

CORGI slowly attacks book.
GM: Would anyone else like to attack it?
BUFFALO: I could headbutt it.
GM: ...I...how...
BUFFALO: BECAUSE FUCK YOU THAT'S HOW

At last, the evil book is dead, and the furniture collapses back into non-animate-ness.
BUFFALO: I'm a little disappointed no one tried to seduce the chair.
CHEETAH: NO.

CORGI: I ate large quantities of that book and have suffered no ill effects! Although I'll probably throw it up later...
TOAD: On the carpet...
GM (wearily): As is the corgi way.

The party opens another door, revealing two armored golems.
BUFFALO: Goddammit. If we'd kept the book, we could throw it on a golem so the chairs would attack them instead. Hmm. Y'know...look, we know the rooms are full of things that want to kill us, right?
CHEETAH: ...yes...?

BUFFALO: So we know where these two are! Now we go find another set that want to kill us, and see if we can get them to fight these two instead!
TOAD: I see no way this plan can go horribly, horribly wrong.
CHEETAH: Yeah, I'm with TOAD and her sarcasm...

GM: You open the door and there's three statues.
BUFFALO: ...let's not go in there.
CHEETAH: Yeah, let's just that close that now.

PARTY: *moves to the next door*
CHEETAH: *attempts to pick the lock, fails* Okay, BUFFALO, all yours.
BUFFALO: *headbutts door until it opens* They used to call me the Crowbar in college!

The room revealed is a lab with a sickly green mist in it.
CHEETAH: Shut the door! Shut the door!
BUFFALO: I regret to inform you I bashed it down with my head. We can't shut it.
CHEETAH: ...you make a valid point.

CENTIPEDE: *is sent into the lab to locate valuables, being lowest to the ground*
GM: Do you have Scrounging...or Alchemy...or something...
CENTIPEDE: No.
GM: There's...uh...glassware.
CENTIPEDE: Is there one I can wear like a space helmet!?
GM: ...sure. Why not.

GM (with intense relief): Hey, it's almost eleven, that's a wrap for the night!