Profile picture
The Wombat Resists @UrsulaV
, 28 tweets, 4 min read Read on Twitter
It's D&D night and the party is being attacked by enchanted furniture. Attempts to intimidate a chair have failed.
There is an evil book in the library.
CORGI PALADIN: I'm going to grab that book and bite it and shake it!
CHEETAH ROGUE: I try to grab the paladin.
BUFFALO: Oh, just let her bite the book. What's the worse that happens?
CORGI: I get possessed by an ancient evil?
BUFFALO: And that will be ADORABLE.
CENTIPEDE ASSASSIN: It'll be just precious.
CHEETAH: Be a good girl. STAY.
GM: Ok, you're being attacked by books. You can get to the evil book, but--
BUFFALO: Books came off the shelves, right?
GM: ...yes. They're wall-mounted shelves.
BUFFALO: I tear the shelf off the wall and use it as a shield.
GM: ...huh.
BUFFALO: Module didn't cover this, did it?
GM: No. Roll strength and--okay, yeah, there's no world where you didn't just rip that off the wall. Okay. I guess you're wearing it like an umbrella now. Hmm.
BUFFALO: I pick up the evil book with a sack so I don't touch it.
GM: You're being followed by a horde of flying books and being harassed by chairs.
GM: What do you do?
BUFFALO: Sorry, I was just savoring the phrase "harassed by chairs."
CORGI: If only there was someone in the party who knew how to HERD THINGS!
CHEETAH: Fine, fine...
CORGI: I charge into the room and begin herding the chairs!
GM: The chairs are unimpressed.
CORGI: I bark at the books! I grab a flying book and break its spine!
BUFFALO: Ooh, bend down a corner! That'll teach it!
TOAD HEALER: Does anyone have a highlighter?
CORGI: Hey now, we're supposed to be the good guys.
BUFFALO: *slowly wades through books to door*
CORGI: I trip the chairs!
GM: Well, that's what corgis do...
BUFFALO & CORGI escape the room, but the books and chairs are now attacking the makeshift door.
CHEETAH: Can't we just burn the room?
BUFFALO: I hate burning libraries. I just don't feel like the good guys.
GM: The table is starting to move now.
BUFFALO: Hmm, if we kill the table, we can use it to block the door.
CORGI: I nip at the table legs to make it chase me!
GM: ...I gotta go take care of the chickens.
CHEETAH: But if the table attacks us--
BUFFALO: I'm willing to get in a headbutting contest with that table. You think I won't?
CORGI: *catches a book*
CHEETAH: Now give me the book--no, give it to me--release the book--
CORGI: *growls*
CHEETAH: Release the book!
BUFFALO: You mean "Drop it!"
CORGI: I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH i drop the book
CHEETAH: I light the book on fire and throw it back into the room!
GM: Okay.
CHEETAH: What does it do?
GM: It falls down and burns.
CHEETAH: Does it light any other books on fire?
GM: No.
PARTY: *elaborate plans to block the door*
GM: You know, you could just...there is one object they're trying to get could just...
PARTY: You mean the evil book?
BUFFALO: No way, man, it's worth money.
TOAD: Let me try to read the book.
GM: It says "This Book Is A Trap."
BUFFALO: I turn the page.
GM: *recites directions for how the book is a trap*
BUFFALO: Okay, but is there a reset function so that we get an army of tame books? Because I want that.
GM: No. The Enchanted Bookseller in Walla Walla Washington doesn't make any money if you can just reset it.
BUFFALO: Dammit. Someone write down that address.
GM: NOW will you destroy the book?
BUFFALO: *sigh* CORGI, do YOU want to destroy the book?
CORGI slowly attacks book.
GM: Would anyone else like to attack it?
BUFFALO: I could headbutt it.
At last, the evil book is dead, and the furniture collapses back into non-animate-ness.
BUFFALO: I'm a little disappointed no one tried to seduce the chair.
CORGI: I ate large quantities of that book and have suffered no ill effects! Although I'll probably throw it up later...
TOAD: On the carpet...
GM (wearily): As is the corgi way.
The party opens another door, revealing two armored golems.
BUFFALO: Goddammit. If we'd kept the book, we could throw it on a golem so the chairs would attack them instead. Hmm. Y'know...look, we know the rooms are full of things that want to kill us, right?
CHEETAH: ...yes...?
BUFFALO: So we know where these two are! Now we go find another set that want to kill us, and see if we can get them to fight these two instead!
TOAD: I see no way this plan can go horribly, horribly wrong.
CHEETAH: Yeah, I'm with TOAD and her sarcasm...
GM: You open the door and there's three statues.
BUFFALO: ...let's not go in there.
CHEETAH: Yeah, let's just that close that now.
PARTY: *moves to the next door*
CHEETAH: *attempts to pick the lock, fails* Okay, BUFFALO, all yours.
BUFFALO: *headbutts door until it opens* They used to call me the Crowbar in college!
The room revealed is a lab with a sickly green mist in it.
CHEETAH: Shut the door! Shut the door!
BUFFALO: I regret to inform you I bashed it down with my head. We can't shut it.
CHEETAH: make a valid point.
CENTIPEDE: *is sent into the lab to locate valuables, being lowest to the ground*
GM: Do you have Scrounging...or Alchemy...or something...
GM: There's...uh...glassware.
CENTIPEDE: Is there one I can wear like a space helmet!?
GM: ...sure. Why not.
GM (with intense relief): Hey, it's almost eleven, that's a wrap for the night!
Missing some Tweet in this thread?
You can try to force a refresh.

Like this thread? Get email updates or save it to PDF!

Subscribe to The Wombat Resists
Profile picture

Get real-time email alerts when new unrolls are available from this author!

This content may be removed anytime!

Twitter may remove this content at anytime, convert it as a PDF, save and print for later use!

Try unrolling a thread yourself!

how to unroll video

1) Follow Thread Reader App on Twitter so you can easily mention us!

2) Go to a Twitter thread (series of Tweets by the same owner) and mention us with a keyword "unroll" @threadreaderapp unroll

You can practice here first or read more on our help page!

Did Thread Reader help you today?

Support us! We are indie developers!

This site is made by just three indie developers on a laptop doing marketing, support and development! Read more about the story.

Become a Premium Member and get exclusive features!

Premium member ($3.00/month or $30.00/year)

Too expensive? Make a small donation by buying us coffee ($5) or help with server cost ($10)

Donate via Paypal Become our Patreon

Thank you for your support!