i have a lot of complaints about my life but i am buoyed by an immense amount of love for myself. i was not always like this
i just finished Evangelion yesterday for the first time. i understood Shinji completely, and I see how, six years ago, that show would have shaken me to the core. but i went through what he went through. minus the robots
so my response was... an agreeable nod, basically. "yep, that's how it goes. sucks! but you nailed it, so. congratulations"
i once thought of myself entirely as an observer, someone who was never the focus of anything but just a sideline participant. this is odd because of how much of my life i've spent being Known as a Personality. Oh That Gravis!
this sort of - reverse-nihilism, the absolute conviction that everyone *except* me exists, lasted most of my life. i shook it off a few years ago, thanks partially to some friends, and probably also thanks to some lengthy thoughts on mortality
i'm not sure what happened. i know that i decided to stop seeing myself as a nobody, that it was a conscious decision. i don't remember the circumstances, or why it worked.
so i guess what i want to tell you is that if you see yourself as a nobody, but you see a way out, take it. yeah, i know, it looks like a road to a lot of performative shit. that's fine as long as you like what you're performing.
one of the things that has started affecting me since this acceptance is that I sometimes see myself in terms like "oh, Gravis really likes fantasy books." i do! i fucking love them! and i love that I am a doofus who loves basic-ass fantasy stories
i realized a few years ago that *I am not a very picky person* when it comes to this. i can just charge through crappy fantasy novels and I have a great time. leaning into that rocks! i don't want to be pickier! i enjoy my Bad Books
i'm playing pillars of eternity (yeah i know they didn't handle the Bad Thing very well but it's been a while and they did take it out) and there's all these characters i can click on to get little slices of Fantasy Life
everyone has their little grim backstory that some writer spent 18 minutes writing and i'm just loving it. yes, give me the little two-paragraph Sad Innkeeper tales. thank you, this is good
