Thread by @paushinski

ISIKUTI LOVE: A Thread

Tuko works harusi, 2 teams of a video guy, a photographer and a runner. Squad 1 kwa akina boy child Kilimani, squad 2 tuko Outer, Eastlando, kwa akina gyal dem. Boy child Mhala, Gyal ni Msapere. Si mnajua tu drama za harusi huanza at exactly 7:00am sharp?

Kuna tension tayari, hiyo mapema. Some people are late. Others drunk. Wamama wanangoja sodas na malesos. But we say it's normal tension on wedding days. We are taken to a house, where bride and maids are getting ready from there. Lakini si nyumba ya akina bibi ya harusi.

We check in and sit at the table. Hapo kwa meza buffet haijuani. Some lady sent by our enemies akatuambia 'karibuni chai.' ISSA BIG MISTAKE.
Man, tukaweka menjos chini, tukatoa viatu, tukanawa. Tukasema sala. Tukajirusha uwanjani. Wacha tujipurure. TUKAJIPURURAAA.

My goshness.

Chai kwenye tea, bread on the mkate, sausage kwenye smokie. Omellete kwenye boiled eggs. Weetabix na cornflakes pale. Juice tu ndio ilikuwa quencher. Ata Avocado is Bae pia iko area. 6. Jeshi imejiachilia mpaka sasa Bezo anataka kutoa shati. Tunamwambia acheze chini. Anacheka tu.

Mimi niko kwa sturungi. I am watching my weight. Aki siamini vile jeshi inacheza rugby kwa game ya chess. Stealthily just calculating vile sita work na kula-kula tena maisha yangu yote. Juu ile ilikuwa kula ya kuharibu. Bezo alikula almost menu yote ya Kempinski peke yake.

Tukafyeka meza mzima. Alafu tukainua menjos sasa tunacheza PRO! Kwa kika click unasikia, 'amazing.’ Click. ‘Now give me a smile.’ Click. ‘Niiice.’ Click. ‘Another one.’ Click. ‘WAUUUUU.’ Click. ‘Good stuff.’ Click. ‘One more.’ Click.'

Shoot inaenda poa sana, nyweee. Vile inafaa.

Shortly someone screams, 'Uuuuuwwwiiii. Nani amekula sausage za wageni?'
Hapo ndio nikameza Adam's apple for the first time ever in my life.
Her pal: Nimeziweka hapo kwa meza less than 5 minutes ago.
Screamer: Noooo. Imagine zime-disappear.
Her pal: Oh no. What is this? Surely?

Akasema, 'THE DEVIL IS A LIAR.' Nimeingiza fridge. Ata nimewacha kupiga picha, sasa niko radar. Bridesmaids wananiita. Ata sitaki story yao.

I call the lads niwazushie. 'Jamaa, si niliwashow msiguze stuff kwa meza. Oneni sasa mumeleta mezesha. I am so disappointed in you, boys.'

Bezo opens his mouth.

Bezo: Fadhela, mi naona tufanye hivi. Tuchange change chapaa chap chap, nikimbilie smokie hapo Buru stenje, jamaa anauza ashafungua, nichangamke mara hiyo hiyo na nikuje na boiro ashu tuzime hii nare.

Hapo ndio nikajua kumbe Cyprian Is Not Nyakundi.

Me: (Rhetorically to Bezo) Alafu video zitaji-record?
Bezo: Ilikuwa ni idea tu. Wewe sema yako basi tusikie.
Me: Idea yangu ni wewe unyamaze.
Bezo: Ata hiyo inaweza work.

And then he keeps quiet. I decide honesty is the best policy, so I step into the house to apologize.

A lady greets me:

Her: Muhori wa bisha. Derakunywa Shai?
Me: (Then I channel all my kyuk). Usher. Gotire kunywa chai oyo degwo dhafuni! This is the detergent. Donge?
Her: She is discombombulated. Manauliza, Mamekunya shai?
Me: (In short). Usher!

She almost faints at my kyuk.

Her: Pole. Kuna watu mameingia makakunywa chai yenu, na wageni. Lakini tumewekelea ingine kwa Moto. Mutupatie muda tu.

Nikainua mikono, nikaanza kuimba, 'Kwa Moyo wangu wote, natoa shukrani kwako, Massiah-ah-ah, nashukuruuuuu.'

Hivyo ndio Mungu amenusuru watoto wake.

Ghafla bin vuu umati ya mtu ka sita ikaingia. Wamevalia mavazi rasmi ya chui. Wanadai chai yao. Wamejam na wanazusha. The lady explainssomeone drunk the tea. They are even madder now. She assures us she is sorting it out. We sit at the table.

Kidogo, hot breakfast is brought.

They refuse. 'Hii si chai!'
While deciding what tea is and what it is not, boychild's family arrive for the bride. They call the Isikuti guys, who refuse to get out. It's a standoff. Finally they make their demands known.
They want cham.
Ng'ang'o.
Jetfuel.
Atomic Grade KDF!

Bezo na kimbelembele, 'Nilikuwa najua tu hiyo ndio kitu walikuwa wanataka. Ni vile tu singesema.' The guys ask 3k for 'breakfast.' They start singing after they order the ting. They almost fight each other coz they can't decide where to get it from Kiambio, Kibera or Ongwaro.

Anyway, they put a sloppy performance for an hour. Shortly, the Seven Deadly Sins arrive in a 5 liter kube.
Waka-charge. And then, Armageddon!!!
Man, they sang louder than everyone else combined. Wakashikisha 45 minutes kwa akina dem, alafu all the way to Friends Church Ngong Rd.

Wakaimba mpaka ikabidi the Pastor asked them to do one lap around Prestige just to calm down. They crossed the road and did a 2 hour pro-bono show for pedestrians.
Jasho inamwagika proper, lakini Abaluhya Sol hawachoki ng'oo.

Imagine we come back to eception after photoshoot, one hour, bado jeshi inashikisha. Happiest guys I've ever seen. We last saw them after the sunset shoot on the way home. Southern Bypass, near Kibera. Bado wakiimba na kupiga hutotuchuma na drums twao.

Na kibuyu ata haiko half.

ALSO, Please come for A Tale of Two Weddings: Wedding Photography Masterclass. We'll have actual bride & groom for two days for extreme hands-on learning. You'll be able to shoot a garden & church wedding professionally. It's only 7K for two days, lunch inclusive. DM for booking.