Thread by @veryheathmiller

Reading a book of ‘life hacks’ someone gifted me, (which is mostly just Women’s Weekly Home Hints like using soda water on stains but MANLY BECAUSE ITS A ‘HACK’) & came across this page which I respectfully call bullshit on. Servers want to back me up here?

The book has something suspect on practically every page, honestly. OKAY AUTHOR, LETS DO A LITTLE EXPERIMENT. I’LL DOWN THESE 11 CUPS OF ESPRESSO, ONE EVERY HOUR AND YOU CAN HAVE THIS BASKET OF GRANNY SMITHS AND WE’LL SEE WHO IS UP AT THE END OF IT.

Why you gotta be so condescending & judgey book? You don’t know my life.

Also I was at a meditation retreat for 5 days where they made us fast (yes it was basically a cult, I got out of there once I realized) so I didn’t eat any sweets & by day five I probably would have killed my whole tent for a mint-slice biscuit.

So I doubt the accuracy of this statement.

Hmmm.....

I am dubious.

Wow this truly is a tome of Sekret Wisdom Unguessed at By Humanity.

I would like to say I am not going to essentially livetweet this garbage book but I cannot make that promise.
LifeHack: if you don’t want me junking up your feeds with it probably best to unfollow me for a few hours.

Well I think we have found this book’s core demographic...

Sure, if you are a stone cold psychopath.

Or I guess if you really get off on houseguests who might crave a snack being REALLY disappointed.

SHUT UP BOOK! YOU’RE NOT MY REAL MOTHER!

YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES, BOOK.

Sorry folks I had to go fry up some bbq broccoli & eat a handful of frozen bananas but I’m back now.

You monster.

Actually I think you’ll find you are misusing the words ‘best’, ‘ever’ and indeed ‘chocolate.’

“Go - and I can’t stress this enough-
to hell.”

Boy, is it! Honestly these days it’s practically ALL I eat. Num num num.

At your nephews 6th birthday party. Slowly. Methodically. Insist no one sings or even talks while you do the entire cake. Make eye contact with the birthday boy throughout.

In case you want a little variation from your usual diet of just fruit stickers.
This guy must be great at parties.

Well I gues therapy is redundant now. And medication. Sorry everyone. Depression has been life-hacked.

I was concerned the ‘health’ section might be lacking in solid science, but my fears were obviously misguided.

I’LL TAKE THIS BET, SIR.

Or a romantic comedy. Or a historical melodrama. The trick is to be on a treadmill.

LITERALLY.
THE ENTIRE BRAIN.

Sure, a jar of Keens Hot English feels great if you scold yourself with a hot iron. For SERIOUS burns though, you’ll want a bottle of salad dressing.

Right. Because its less embarrassing to front up to that checkout with a packet of condoms, a tube of hemmahroid cream & this months copy of Barely Legal Asian Babes if its super clear its a gift for your mother’s 60th birthday.

Preferably at a crowded bar.
To be doubly certain, ask a member of staff to smell your wrist also. Make sure to lick it just before you hold it out to them.

AHAHAHA.
*wipes tears from eyes*
You don’t know my dog, buddy.
Lumen would be on the ferry to the mainland while I was lying in the dirt moaning convincingly & slowly being covered in ants.

Again, best in a crowded bar, restaurant, nightclub, or during a religious service.

Boy do pizza places LOVE IT when you try this.

I’m sorry, what?

Sir, this is a Wendy’s...

Finally, the book gets to something really important.

“Or for really persistent insomnia, try entering your neighbors homes at night to watch *them* sleep. If you have trouble spotting them in a darkened bedroom, night vision goggles are an easy solution.”

Don’t even think about using a sub $30USD bottle though. Grey Goose and up. I tried it with Popov one time and all my hair fell out & my wife left me.

One for any hospital staff out there...

Okay this one actually works, I have a whole shelf full of completely transparent bananas. They look like crystal, fantastic for decoration.

Shouldn’t this be in a Pringles can?
DOES HE EVEN READ HIS OWN BOOKS? I DON’T KNOW WHO TO TRUST ANYMORE.

Well it’s almost midnight and I am only like A THIRD of a way through this book...

Hell with it, I’ll eat a bunch of apples & do a few more.

Stickers and all.

....

‘can’. Also ‘might’. Also, ‘probably won’t.’ Also ‘I don’t know I already spent the advance on this book whaddya want okay?’

Who frowns at babies? Why are you furrowing your brows like you are assessing the infant and finding it wanting? Dude.

You can’t spend all of your time frowning at babies to make them cry, sometimes you need to pelt people with water balloons - and when you do - you want them to explode on impact for maximum soaking potential.

What could go wrong?

I feel like I am learning more and more about this author.

Woah woah woah.
Is this true? This can’t be true. My health insurance doesn’t want to reimburse me for actual procedures, medication, or well basically anything.
This can’t be true can it?

Okay so maybe its just that I’m getting tired but this book is starting to freak me out.
WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT? WHAT KIND OF LIFE IS YOUR LIFE?

From: [e-mail]
Subject: I’ll give you $4 for that box of water balloons & used Pringles cans.

I mean, there is a limit though.
Like, unless this guy only patronizes the Chipotle Of Infinite Tortillas.

Make sure to pull all the products in front of the back-most one out and just toss them on to the floor. If an employee notices you do this and says ‘Hey aren’t you the guy who got banned from the Chipotle next door?’ throw a water balloon at him and flee the store immediately.

Make sure to flawlessly imitate any local accent or dialect. Research the local area thoroughly so you are well prepared to engage in smalltalk if it is a particularly long journey.

(Also shouldn’t you be being driven home in a pizza delivery van?)

WHO ARE YOU? WHY DO YOU LIVE THIS WAY? WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST ALL THESE PEOPLE JUST TRYING TO DO THEIR JOBS AND GET THROUGH THE DAY WITHOUT YOUR WEIRD ASS BEHAVIOR? WHAT SPECIFICALLY IS YOUR VENDETTA AGAINST PIZZA JOINTS?

Presumably you are saving water for the gym your health insurance paid for, and boy do the other members love you.

This is a bad idea.
Do not do this.
Not with this guy and his craigslist fraud & his penchant for watching people sleep and his desperate hatred for the employees of pizza places everywhere. Just don’t. You’ve been warned.

Buckle up.

Where to begin...

IF THEY CAN COME RIGHT UP TO YOU THEN YOU ARE IN THEIR ENCLOSURE AND ARE NOT DOING ZOO’S RIGHT.

“So in conclusion, ladies & gentlemen of the jury, I did not kill those women. Now your Honor may we take a 15 minute recess? My irritable bowel syndrome is really acting up...”

Okay to be continued, twitter....
Thanks for keeping me company. I shall sleep and then MORE LIFE HACKS TO COME.

“Sure, Bill. You can use my circular saw this weekend. Yeah its in the garage, no - don’t take it yet. Something we have to do first. Be here at 3pm. Wear something nice, maybe that red shirt you had on at the Suderson’s bbq? Bring a comb.”

Ideally, directly opposite the emergency drop off area at ground level in a major city. Avoid apartment blocks with any soundproofing, you really want to be able to hear the sirens. Give preference to a hospital with a rooftop helipad.

I don’t see any possible downside to this piece of advice.

Always best to start any potential relationships by lying in an attempt to manipulate the person you are interested in. This one almost never fails because women are so utterly predictable.

If she suggests you watch the movie at your place, say you are homeless. She’ll usually say, “Well you should come live with me, then.”

Again? AGAIN?
I’m starting to suspect this guy’s wife left him for a pizza place mere weeks before he started writing this book.

Username: ifrownatbabies
Password: DestroyDominoes666

Follow this up by asking for their address. Get a pizza delivered to their house. Hitch a lift with the driver. When you get there put all their dry pasta in Pringles cans then hide in their bedroom so you can watch them sleep.

Why stop at clothes? Randomize distribution of toiletries, shoes & personal items between all available bags. Be sure no one person knows exactly where everything is. When you get to your destination, you can have a ‘where is all my shit’ party. Order pizza. NO WAIT, GET TACOS.

And who even knows what suitcase your clothes are in?
The important thing is to live fully clothed and in constant fear.

*narrows eyes*

I guess he has a really thick neck? Or a really narrow waist? I don’t even know anymore, man.

Aaaand our portrait of the author continues to develop.

And *ONLY* these three.
If one of them dies or moves away immediately source a replacement from among their colleagues. There must always be three, ALWAYS.
ALSO, NEVER MAKE FRIENDS WITH ANYONE ASSOCIATED WITH ITALIAN RETAIL FASTFOOD, JUST DON’T. TRUST ME THEY ARE BARELY HUMAN.

Especially if it’s a black-tie event at high-end establishment.

Make sure to include an additional embarrassing detail about yourself to help ‘sell’ the lie. Whatever you did was highly illegal & the police show up? Jump in the nearest illegally parked car and wait to be towed to freedom.

Shopping for shoes. Never go shopping for shoes, presumably. Important detail.
(Sorry about the stain on the page, obviously I am now weeping uncontrollably as I continue to helplessly read and tweet this book..)

WAIT A MINUTE!
*flicks back through the book*
AH-HA!
YOU SAID I NEVER HAD TO BUY SHOES AGAIN?
HAS THIS ALL BEEN A LIE?

Get a rope.

This guy’s house must be AMAZING. Everything in Pringles cans scattered randomly about the place. His family sullenly guarding the door to whichever room has the modem. The sound of him caressing ten dollar bills & giggling just audible over the sirens from the hospital nextdoor.

“LOOK THEM ALL. FOOLS, UNPREPARED FOR INCLEMENT WEATHER. THEY ARE PLAYING RIGHT IN TO MY HANDS. I CAN TAKE MY PICK OF ANY OF THEM, ANY OF THEM! THOSE IMBECILES AT CUSTOMUMBRELLA.COM SAID I WAS MAD, MAD. WHO’S MAD NOW? MWAHAHAHAH.”

Think of the day you are poised nearby with your umbrella when it begins to rain. Think of how sweet it will be when you lie and say you’ve never seen her favorite movie & she invites you around to watch it. Think of the happy life you will have together. Happy Happy Happy Happy

I am truly awed by his certainty.

Make sure to bring just one compact disc for the car stereo, a copy of Ohio Express’s 1968 hit ‘Yummy Yummy Yummy.’
Play it at top volume, on repeat, for the duration of the journey.

And just like that national home-ownership rates plunge dramatically.

But be sure to remember the correct position, back from life hack #354

Anyone else worried they are in a Pringles can in the icebox along with the bananas & the batteries & he just takes them out and looks at them when he feels lonely?

*rips an incredibly long fart, unencumbered by society’s phony restraints*

Okay I have to step away from this oh so worthwhile task of being silly about a book to do some work but I’ll get to the remainder as soon as possible, folks. Thanks for reading along with me.

He is at it again. Everyone’s customer service nightmare. MORE THAN HAPPY. SO HAPPY. TO ANSWER *ANY* QUESTIONS.
He’s not even going to actually stay there.
I’m honestly just suprised he doesn’t recommend calling a local pizza place ‘as they know the area.’

Wow.

I’m sorry, what? You lost me here. Like check the clock, IN YOUR DREAM? What Inception Nightmare on Elm St Part 3 nonsense is this?
“If the wall clock has become the screaming faces of all those women you lured to their deaths with umbrellas you’re probably dreaming.”

A prince among men.

I was a motorcyclist for over ten years and it never once occurred to me that this was a thing I needed to be worried about BUT IT SURE DOES NOW, LOOKING FORWARD TO MY NEXT RIDE, THANKS, GUY.

Thanks, Keyser Soze.

“And that’s why these days I skip the tape altogether and go for a nice, tightly fitted ball-gag. Fool me once.”

Also wow this took a turn from ‘here’s how to better organize your cupboards.’ Dark.

I’m no bear expert, but this advice sounds... not good. Also while we are color profiling what do you do if its a polar bear? Insult it’s mother and kick it in the elbow and it will become extinct? AT THIS POINT NOTHING WOULD SUPRISE ME.

I don’t think I jump high enough for this to make much of a difference. But hey, if you gotta go, catch some air on the way out, I guess.

Paging HBO & @clmazin, my guy would like a word with you regarding this heinous inaccuracy in your recent television program.

Much like the bear advice, I am 100% confident this comes from his own direct experience.

From kidnapping & wildlife attacks & jumping over oncoming cars like spider-man, RIGHT back to lying to people to get free stuff.

“Again, maintain direct eye-contact with the individual for the duration of the yawn. After, think of being with someone you love so you can flash them a really genuine smile. Now is the time to offer them shelter under your umbrella & lie to them about movies you haven’t seen.”

Holy crap, dude.

“Need a topic for small-talk? Tell them about that time you punched a black bear in the face or the time you gouged out a crocodile’s eyes. Mention that the best place to hit a person is in areas that feel good to be massaged. SAY CHEESE.”

Aaaand back to home hints. He’s like Marie Kondo but he works strictly with Pringles cans and toilet rolls.

This? This you chose to illustrate?
“Love pulling this out while working at the local cafe. Great conversation starter.”

Pupils also expand by 45% when you wake up in a dark basement with only the dim glow of nightvision goggles in the middle distance to see by, your last memory is of a stranger using your phone to take a selfie with you & then telling you about the time he jumped over a car.

Why am I not surprised?

“Not your wife, not your parole officer, not your AA sponser, not your boss, not you children, not the judge, not the pizza delivery guy you get a lift home with, not that woman from child services - no one! NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!”

I mean to be fair this is 100% on theme with the Pringles cans and used toilet rolls, so I at least admire his commitment to an aesthetic.

I am shocked he doesn’t own an ironing board, shocked.

“Conversely- out of t-shirts? Use a pillow case! Its all just fabric. Shapes & intended function have no meaning. Have I shown you my extensive collection of phone cables & dry pasta?”

HAHAHAHA, cute, you have a sense of humor we value that in a potential employee.
Hey, thanks so I got the job?
Oh definitely not your resume is complete nonsense. Also are you wearing a pillowcase & did you just take your ID out of a used toilet roll?
Yes?
Get out.

“*All* around the room. Cover every surface. A casual glance should reveal nothing but tea-bags. Lie down on your bed. Cover yourself in tea bags also. When your roommate arrives home and says ‘What the fuck?’ leap at him wailing THE SMELL IS GONE RIGHT?”

Can you guys do this one? I just... I just can’t.

Foolproof. No teacher could ever see through this ruse. Or, you know, just accept the paper and give you an F.

♢☠ 𝓼όĹι∂ 𝓪𝔡𝐕𝓲𝓬Ｅ, 卂𝐒 𝔲Ş𝐔𝐀ㄥ. 💝🐟

I hate you. There, I said it.

Last one everyone! Drumroll.....

And boy does he go out, just like he came in.

Okay. It is finished. I feel like Bilbo Baggins ‘like butter scraped over too much bread.’ I shall lay the book, and my burden down and fade away into the west. I love you all. Stay golden. Hold tight to your own. Avoid men with giant umbrellas.

I do actually have a soundcloud but it has like one thing from 2013. If you have enjoyed this there is always my patreon (will be more active soon) or twitch, or you can buy a book wot I narrated or one wot @catvalente wrote. Byeeee.