2019 has been a bumpy year for the Royal Family. Here’s my take on what what the next decade has in store for our monarchy …
A Thread (1/12)
A Thread (1/12)
2020: Queen dies on Brexit day. Ed Sheeran releases charity single as the nation mourns. Charles controversially chooses the regal name King At Last. Jeremy Corbyn says he watched the Queen’s Speech on Xmas day - despite her passing.
2021: King At Last’s wife Camilla files for divorce, disgusted by her husband’s refusal to call her Queen in public. Gavin and Stacey’s Pam Shipman tearfully asks her husband Mick to stop calling her Camilla in the bedroom.
2022: At Last announces he is to become “100% vegan” as he hosts a Climate Change summit at Buckingham Palace. Donald Trump refuses to attend on the basis that he’ll only negotiate with the Queen. Prince William sells his last strand of hair to raise money for Children In Need.
2023: Pressure mounts on At Last after he is caught enjoying a pheasant sandwich at Sandringham. He suffers a mental breakdown and announces that he is set to abdicate live on the Graham Norton show. Harry steals the headlines for failing to attend William’s coronation.
2024: Labour leader Rebecca Long-Bailey includes the dissolution of the monarchy in Labour’s 2024 manifesto. Despite a spurt of Millennial support for the policy, Boris Johnson romps home once again, this time with a majority of 120 on the promise to “get Brexit done once again.”
2025: Meghan Markle wins an Oscar for her performance as Meghan Markle in season 6 of The Crown. Noel and Liam Gallagher drop their grudges to reform Oasis and urge William and Harry to follow suit. “If I can speak to this c*nt, you can do it too,” says Noel.
2026: In a bid to stay woke and remain relevant, William and Kate announce plans to adopt three orphaned children from Syria. The news is the last straw for Prince Phillip, who finally drops dead aged 105.
2027: Markle announces her intention to run for President in 2028. Jealous of Markle’s fame and bored of being Queen, Kate convinces William to abdicate and move to America so she can become interim head-coach of LA Galaxy. Their 16 year-old son is crowned George VII.
2028: The banished Duke of York, Prince Andrew, is named Protector of the Realm. “His experience with young boys makes him the ideal candidate,” said George. Markle narrowly pips Republican opponent Kanye West in the polls and is sworn in as the first female President.
2029: The palace issue a shock statement that George has suddenly died of ‘climate anxiety’. Rumours of Andrew’s involvement spread after CCTV footage of the pair dining at the Woking branch of Pizza Express the night before George’s disappearance is released.
2030: Andrew leads a coup to seize power and crown himself Jeffrey II. Civil unrest prompts PM Dominic Cummings to call a referendum on the future of the monarchy. A majority of 52% back abolition, as RFEXIT only clears parliament in 2034. The bill fails to pass royal assent.
